what happened to me when I was between 12 and 16 stopped me growing up.... it replaced my exploration of the world and where i stood within it with a notion that i didn't count. That I was nothing and unimportant, that how i felt about anything was immaterial. That no-one could love me as i was unloveable, that I would not do well as i was stupid, klutzy and just crap.... and that is what i carried with me on my adventures... and rather unsurprisingly they were pretty futile and crappy little adventures....

and so i left home, married, had babies, got jobs and all the while carried my crappy baggage along with me.... and so relationships floundered because if something went wrong i would immediately think it was something i had done... blamed myself... then got cross with myself and so blamed the other as i couldnt work out what i had done wrong.. then got cross with myself as that wasn't right.. so ended the relationship... neither liking myself nor my lover/partner as how could they be a person to respect when they were actually saying they loved me.. and i was obviously such a worthless waste of space.... and so it continued.. i applied for a job.... got it.. then got bored/was lazy.. as i had no expectations of myself and as i put in little effort the job became boring.... justifying my little effort in such a worthless job

at university i left things late, handed in first drafts as if they were complete essays and somehow scraped through... but because i was so lazy and hadn't revised/worked at it.. if i got a pass mark it immediately devalued the course as i had so not put in any effort and had still passed.... so it all became a bit pointless... and afterwards because i so undervalued the course i didn't apply for any worthwhile jobs.. or was unable to sell myself well in job applications.. so i didn't get/apply for anything that would hold my interest....

and all of this became cyclical and repetative... i didn't get a decent job so i went back to university.. got another course under my belt but was still unable to know how to make the appropriate effort in looking for work/finding interesting work...

relationships floundered again and again... i liked myself as a single person.. but as soon as someone became important to me i started trying to be the person i thought i 'should' be... ie someone they could possibly fall in love with but that wasn't me and then i started to not like me.. and how could i love someone who declared they loved this pretend creature and they would soon 'discover' the real me and leave....

and this has been going round and round and round... for over 30 years now.... i move house/leave a job/relationship/ never staying and building on something, always in search of the new... someway that would be different... but i was carrying such a negative self image...

and then i had some counselling.... and now all that has changed... immediatley... a light has been switched on in the dark murky self image basement... and i realise I'm not that bad.... that things could be worse.. that actually i am intelligent, can enthuse myself and others... can be hardworking.... am a reasonable being... weird really.... but have I left it too late?????

Recently I gave in! Capitulated to the Master of conformism, the deity of consummerism and went headlong into Marks and Spencer's in search of.... yes in search of a bra!

Now if anyone reading this wonders as to my age and is a little perplexed please remember I grew up with the instruction of 'burn your bra' being loudly sung all through my impressionable teenage years. I also found them to be particularly uncomfortable and so I have rarely worn one, preferring instead something more relaxed like a vest or t-shirt material teenbra!

But over the years I have ummmm put on a little weight and so thought that perhaps the time had come to sling up what had been unslung as maybe support was required. So Marks and Spencer's is the obvious choice of bra palace and I thought I would even request the services of one of their bra experts and get properly measured and sized up! I was accompanied in my endeavor by a twenty something friend who seemed to have no concept of the whole going braless thing as if somehow all women since history began have 'naturally' worn one of these weird garments. She led the way!

and so I followed got measured, selected two frightful pieces of lace and metal and paid money for the things. Admittedly one was a nice colour but that was a far as my fulfillment as a purchaser went.

and soooo a couple of months down the line am I wearing the dreaded things? Ha of course not! They are so uncomfortable that the only pleasure I get from them is when I take them off... they are now slowly making their way to the back of the drawer where they will eventually become hidden and unseen, deep in the dark recesses of unworn, unliked underwear!

and i am back to wearing an unsupportive cotton fabric vest! and am happy and very comfortable thank you!

What brought this to mind was an article today in the Guardian which actually states that the wearing of the bra actually means more sag rather than less sag so Pah! to wearing something that must have been designed by a man who would never have to wear the thing! and actually makes no sense at all... hoorah for those old burn your bra days! They have saved me from a lifetime of uncomfortable, expensive and completely unnecessary purchases!