and so the process of coming to terms with the death of a difficult person and yet a close family member gets more measured.... i decided i wanted to do the eulogy because it has always seemed strange that an unknown person stands up and sums up the life... how can they do that?
but how to say something positive? and so I mulled this over quite deeply and came up with the idea of our inheritance....
and ended up with the eulogy below and actually it made me feel good
Anna and i had organised the funeral and we actually enjoyed it.... it went well, the church was lovely ... and mum seemed happy with it all
she put 'Rest peacefully' on her card.... and in the middle of last night i suddenly pondered this.... she chose her words very carefully... and i love that she was hoping, asking for peace ... for him....
Monday, September 12, 2011
06.09.2011
Thanks
Thanks for making the journey here, it is lovely to see people although sadly unfortunate too.
Also I on behalf of mum and the rest of the family would like to thank the Rector and the church...initially it was a surprise that dad had requested a burial in a church and here in Newton...... and so Anna and I came exploring ..... the day after dad died.... to actually try to find out more about dad’s request. As soon as we saw the church we felt it was ‘right’ and totally understood why dad had spoken of being buried here.
Dad and God
moving on to the knotty question of dad and christian beliefs... This too was a little bit of a surprise, I wondered how much of a Pascals wager it was maybe but thinking about conversations with dad we also came to realise that how sincere in his belief he had become and maybe had been in his past too... before his marriage he played in church bands... perhaps it wasn’t just about the music??
Childhood
I want to say thanks to dad (and of course to mum here too!) for an ideal childhood It was the best, we had such a lovely foundation and that was thanks to the team that was Mum AND dad as it is difficult to split the responsibility and so once again it is time to say thanks to both of them.... we were encouraged to be independent, adventurous and questioning .... maybe dad didn’t like my questioning of authority when i was challenging his but he really was an excellent role model in this.... perhaps to an 11 yr old it was slightly embarrassing to have a dad drive up in a moskvitch ( a russian car) wearing a little astrakhan hat but that was dad and he was an individual! always an individual.... and what 11 yr old is not embarrassed by a parent so you might as well have one that has strong political convictions who stands up for what he believes in!
Granchildren
photographs.. dad carried a little selection of photographs with him at all times and I looked at this last week... he has managed to get some gorgeous photographs there.. you know the ones where everyone is smiling and looking their best.. those rare ones! and he showed these photographs with almost embarassing regularity to so many people! He was proud of his family and I know his grandchildren will hold very affectionate memories of him ..... I know josh and jake had some excellent conversations late into the night with him that they will treasure.... jaidon and Megan sadly missed this late night side to dad but i know they will also hold affectionate memories of his constant tea drinking and various little pecadilloes! his grandchildren were able to appreciate his sense of humour too!
Music
I must also mention his love of music as it wasn’t just the politics! .... and this too has been our inheritence.... Martin, Anna and myself have inherited this love although once again we have done this in our own very individual ways... and this is the key... and maybe the most important ....... Dad was pretty unique and if we inherit anything then being able to stand up for ourselves, not take any nonsense, and say what we think would be fairly useful!
and so to speak of his passing.... it was as if he chose his time, he had become tired.. his body, which he had always remarked on for its strength and power, had become tired... he was ready.... and his death was thankfully peaceful …. he had reached that acceptance....
Throughout this what i have wanted to emphasise was dad’s uniqueness and individuality.. to us he was and always will be a little bit of a legend!
Goodbye dad
Thanks
Thanks for making the journey here, it is lovely to see people although sadly unfortunate too.
Also I on behalf of mum and the rest of the family would like to thank the Rector and the church...initially it was a surprise that dad had requested a burial in a church and here in Newton...... and so Anna and I came exploring ..... the day after dad died.... to actually try to find out more about dad’s request. As soon as we saw the church we felt it was ‘right’ and totally understood why dad had spoken of being buried here.
Dad and God
moving on to the knotty question of dad and christian beliefs... This too was a little bit of a surprise, I wondered how much of a Pascals wager it was maybe but thinking about conversations with dad we also came to realise that how sincere in his belief he had become and maybe had been in his past too... before his marriage he played in church bands... perhaps it wasn’t just about the music??
Childhood
I want to say thanks to dad (and of course to mum here too!) for an ideal childhood It was the best, we had such a lovely foundation and that was thanks to the team that was Mum AND dad as it is difficult to split the responsibility and so once again it is time to say thanks to both of them.... we were encouraged to be independent, adventurous and questioning .... maybe dad didn’t like my questioning of authority when i was challenging his but he really was an excellent role model in this.... perhaps to an 11 yr old it was slightly embarrassing to have a dad drive up in a moskvitch ( a russian car) wearing a little astrakhan hat but that was dad and he was an individual! always an individual.... and what 11 yr old is not embarrassed by a parent so you might as well have one that has strong political convictions who stands up for what he believes in!
Granchildren
photographs.. dad carried a little selection of photographs with him at all times and I looked at this last week... he has managed to get some gorgeous photographs there.. you know the ones where everyone is smiling and looking their best.. those rare ones! and he showed these photographs with almost embarassing regularity to so many people! He was proud of his family and I know his grandchildren will hold very affectionate memories of him ..... I know josh and jake had some excellent conversations late into the night with him that they will treasure.... jaidon and Megan sadly missed this late night side to dad but i know they will also hold affectionate memories of his constant tea drinking and various little pecadilloes! his grandchildren were able to appreciate his sense of humour too!
Music
I must also mention his love of music as it wasn’t just the politics! .... and this too has been our inheritence.... Martin, Anna and myself have inherited this love although once again we have done this in our own very individual ways... and this is the key... and maybe the most important ....... Dad was pretty unique and if we inherit anything then being able to stand up for ourselves, not take any nonsense, and say what we think would be fairly useful!
and so to speak of his passing.... it was as if he chose his time, he had become tired.. his body, which he had always remarked on for its strength and power, had become tired... he was ready.... and his death was thankfully peaceful …. he had reached that acceptance....
Throughout this what i have wanted to emphasise was dad’s uniqueness and individuality.. to us he was and always will be a little bit of a legend!
Goodbye dad
Thursday, September 01, 2011
hmmmm what do you say about a life?
My dad is dead and words will need to be said at his funeral...
a eulogy no less, a summing up of a whole lifetime into maybe 5 minutes of talking by a stranger in a church. Which is odd to start with as he was an atheist for most of his life, apparently only recently taking on the role of believer??Weird.. there goes the line about integrity....
and then the whole family man thing...
well yes he was married and had three children and four grandchildren. But his marriage was hardly a happy one. He was a domineering bully who put his own needs before any other. His last significant words to me were 'I have lost my power' and that was the last time i saw him alive. He attempted suicide by cutting his wrists and then when that failed possibly took an overdose of warfarin... he could not cope without his power, his identity as a fit athletic, strong man... that identity had withered considerably.
So his marriage was miserable and his children hated him. He neither offered help nor advice in his fatherly role, mostly denigrating his children's achievements and throwing tons of negativity their way.and so on to his grandchildren.. here there is a significant difference; they liked him, mostly, and thought he was funny! He was a funny old man to them mainly because of the loss of power. They saw the husk of his former self and therefore he was not taken seriously and they could laugh at his bluster and nastiness because he could not harm them physically. But he could still hit with his spoken barbs. he had an uncanny and highly accurate knack of judging someones weight and would announce his opinion of their size as a family member arrived to visit... he was hardly ever out by more than a couple of pounds and so he would embarrass his visitor who had maybe put on a little more weight than they wanted. Another uncanny knack was to spot a weakness and bring attention to it, loudly and in full voice... and so if there was a slight thinning of hair it would be mentioned... a lack of confidence commented on or maybe someone had had a number of jobs in quick succession .. he would invariably mention these... and not in a supportive and encouraging way....
but the grandchildren liked him.... and got support from their parents when he was rude and unwelcoming. They needed to be told not to take his insults personally but rather that it was his problem, and that he was a grumpy old man.. and the advice seemed to work...
pity he didn't appreciate their affection....
and so nice words will be said and hymns will be sung
and afterwards the house will feel welcoming and happy
for the first time ever
because he has gone...
My dad is dead and words will need to be said at his funeral...
a eulogy no less, a summing up of a whole lifetime into maybe 5 minutes of talking by a stranger in a church. Which is odd to start with as he was an atheist for most of his life, apparently only recently taking on the role of believer??Weird.. there goes the line about integrity....
and then the whole family man thing...
well yes he was married and had three children and four grandchildren. But his marriage was hardly a happy one. He was a domineering bully who put his own needs before any other. His last significant words to me were 'I have lost my power' and that was the last time i saw him alive. He attempted suicide by cutting his wrists and then when that failed possibly took an overdose of warfarin... he could not cope without his power, his identity as a fit athletic, strong man... that identity had withered considerably.
So his marriage was miserable and his children hated him. He neither offered help nor advice in his fatherly role, mostly denigrating his children's achievements and throwing tons of negativity their way.and so on to his grandchildren.. here there is a significant difference; they liked him, mostly, and thought he was funny! He was a funny old man to them mainly because of the loss of power. They saw the husk of his former self and therefore he was not taken seriously and they could laugh at his bluster and nastiness because he could not harm them physically. But he could still hit with his spoken barbs. he had an uncanny and highly accurate knack of judging someones weight and would announce his opinion of their size as a family member arrived to visit... he was hardly ever out by more than a couple of pounds and so he would embarrass his visitor who had maybe put on a little more weight than they wanted. Another uncanny knack was to spot a weakness and bring attention to it, loudly and in full voice... and so if there was a slight thinning of hair it would be mentioned... a lack of confidence commented on or maybe someone had had a number of jobs in quick succession .. he would invariably mention these... and not in a supportive and encouraging way....
but the grandchildren liked him.... and got support from their parents when he was rude and unwelcoming. They needed to be told not to take his insults personally but rather that it was his problem, and that he was a grumpy old man.. and the advice seemed to work...
pity he didn't appreciate their affection....
and so nice words will be said and hymns will be sung
and afterwards the house will feel welcoming and happy
for the first time ever
because he has gone...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)