what happened to me when I was between 12 and 16 stopped me growing up.... it replaced my exploration of the world and where i stood within it with a notion that i didn't count. That I was nothing and unimportant, that how i felt about anything was immaterial. That no-one could love me as i was unloveable, that I would not do well as i was stupid, klutzy and just crap.... and that is what i carried with me on my adventures... and rather unsurprisingly they were pretty futile and crappy little adventures....

and so i left home, married, had babies, got jobs and all the while carried my crappy baggage along with me.... and so relationships floundered because if something went wrong i would immediately think it was something i had done... blamed myself... then got cross with myself and so blamed the other as i couldnt work out what i had done wrong.. then got cross with myself as that wasn't right.. so ended the relationship... neither liking myself nor my lover/partner as how could they be a person to respect when they were actually saying they loved me.. and i was obviously such a worthless waste of space.... and so it continued.. i applied for a job.... got it.. then got bored/was lazy.. as i had no expectations of myself and as i put in little effort the job became boring.... justifying my little effort in such a worthless job

at university i left things late, handed in first drafts as if they were complete essays and somehow scraped through... but because i was so lazy and hadn't revised/worked at it.. if i got a pass mark it immediately devalued the course as i had so not put in any effort and had still passed.... so it all became a bit pointless... and afterwards because i so undervalued the course i didn't apply for any worthwhile jobs.. or was unable to sell myself well in job applications.. so i didn't get/apply for anything that would hold my interest....

and all of this became cyclical and repetative... i didn't get a decent job so i went back to university.. got another course under my belt but was still unable to know how to make the appropriate effort in looking for work/finding interesting work...

relationships floundered again and again... i liked myself as a single person.. but as soon as someone became important to me i started trying to be the person i thought i 'should' be... ie someone they could possibly fall in love with but that wasn't me and then i started to not like me.. and how could i love someone who declared they loved this pretend creature and they would soon 'discover' the real me and leave....

and this has been going round and round and round... for over 30 years now.... i move house/leave a job/relationship/ never staying and building on something, always in search of the new... someway that would be different... but i was carrying such a negative self image...

and then i had some counselling.... and now all that has changed... immediatley... a light has been switched on in the dark murky self image basement... and i realise I'm not that bad.... that things could be worse.. that actually i am intelligent, can enthuse myself and others... can be hardworking.... am a reasonable being... weird really.... but have I left it too late?????

Recently I gave in! Capitulated to the Master of conformism, the deity of consummerism and went headlong into Marks and Spencer's in search of.... yes in search of a bra!

Now if anyone reading this wonders as to my age and is a little perplexed please remember I grew up with the instruction of 'burn your bra' being loudly sung all through my impressionable teenage years. I also found them to be particularly uncomfortable and so I have rarely worn one, preferring instead something more relaxed like a vest or t-shirt material teenbra!

But over the years I have ummmm put on a little weight and so thought that perhaps the time had come to sling up what had been unslung as maybe support was required. So Marks and Spencer's is the obvious choice of bra palace and I thought I would even request the services of one of their bra experts and get properly measured and sized up! I was accompanied in my endeavor by a twenty something friend who seemed to have no concept of the whole going braless thing as if somehow all women since history began have 'naturally' worn one of these weird garments. She led the way!

and so I followed got measured, selected two frightful pieces of lace and metal and paid money for the things. Admittedly one was a nice colour but that was a far as my fulfillment as a purchaser went.

and soooo a couple of months down the line am I wearing the dreaded things? Ha of course not! They are so uncomfortable that the only pleasure I get from them is when I take them off... they are now slowly making their way to the back of the drawer where they will eventually become hidden and unseen, deep in the dark recesses of unworn, unliked underwear!

and i am back to wearing an unsupportive cotton fabric vest! and am happy and very comfortable thank you!

What brought this to mind was an article today in the Guardian which actually states that the wearing of the bra actually means more sag rather than less sag so Pah! to wearing something that must have been designed by a man who would never have to wear the thing! and actually makes no sense at all... hoorah for those old burn your bra days! They have saved me from a lifetime of uncomfortable, expensive and completely unnecessary purchases!

hmmmmm just feel the need to write and wonder just who should i address a letter to?

You see I am an active supporter of Greenpeace and i think it's a great organisation! It not only highlights environmental issues but it comes up with ways to change wrongs and to suggest a new way forward.... for companies, for individuals for governments

but but but.. oh there is always a BUT!

internships! yes greenpeace has interns!

generally they are lovely people that take up these prestigious roles, they are happy, dynamic and intelligent people full of passion about the world

But but but!

internships are illegal.... no-one should be doing a full time job for NO pay! Nobody!

oh and it does also perpetuate a corrupt system, one that disadvantages so many!

It is wrong.. there is no other way to describe it.. and I am saddened that Greenpeace capitalises on such an illegal, unequal, elitist practice

saddened that they think it is ok

new year new excitements!

already february and the weekend felt slightly springlike...
had two good walks
one near truro....daffodils and waterbirds
the other coastal with dolphins and seals!

splendid!

have a new webpage, a new fb page and am tweeting for wayfind

and it is rather exciting

what wil come of it i just dont know

but the ball has started rolling

feeling dislocated

in a non place

with non people

shifting through the day

invisible

untouched

unheard

non person


and so reaching out

into invisible ether

pointless

pointless

pointless

swimming....

went for a swim monday on the 1st of october.. and it wasn't too cold! the sun was shining and so it seemed imperative to get in the water.. might be the last of the year xx

pondering magic

hmmmmm pondering my recent meeting with the guitarist and comparing it to the internet date i had this week which was unexciting to say the least.. Mr Guitarist man and i talked all night... non-stop... so much to say.. so much to find out... so much to admire... but.. and oh yes there is always a but.. he is married... and actually seemed a good man.. we just talked... and yet i will treasure the meeting... as i realise that such meetings are rare. and should be treasured...

perhaps the advantage of this meeting is.. it cannot be spoiled... the magic will not die.. we will not meet again.. we will not argue.. we will not split up...

it will always be a little touch of magic.... and that is very very special

another catch up

hmmmm and now the whole blogspot thing has changed?? hoping I will be able to resume posting


hmmmm quiet times... sort of....

it is now autumn.. summer disappeared in a puddle of disappointment.. one good week when N and children visited...that was lovely

the cambridge folk festival.. disaster! never going back there.. such a fuddy duddy festival... and there were too many tears... found it difficult to accept A's death.... terrible indeed

returned and had to move NS out of my house.. he so overstayed any original welcome and so didn't understand my need for at least a little space.. another disaster! and it got so stressy!!

and so now M has moved in and there is a certain companionableness (?) that is comfortable and she is away most weekends so i have plenty of time and space...

and work.. another disaster.... hmmmmm think that is the word that sums up this year!.. so far...

today I am heading into Lostwithiel to find a Green Party meeting.. it will be my first.. so it could be interesting to get involved with local politics! and actually the one majorly good thing that has happened this year has involved greenpeace and lots of lovely actions and festivals! that has been my mainstay against complete disarray!

and i have decided that i need a back up plan... i am giving cornwall another year.. and if i haven't found the right work place/hours/creative space... then I am heading back to cambridge and taking a part time degree in archaeology ...


had an hilarious moment in St Ives... somehow found myself at a post gig party and was thoroughly enjoying the company of the guitarist... all very staid and innocent nevertheless.. but snuck out of the hotel at 8 in the morning with the biggest grin ever... ha! made me laugh so much.. and kept me in a nice little bubble for a week or so! need more of those bubbles!

right that's it.. up to date.... no job no man but a nice comfortable house in a seaside/university town... not so bad after all and


more especially hoorah!!! Delilah is almost 10 years old!!!!! might have to re-read some of it...

oh oh oh there are times recently when i feel I have run out of words...

I no longer read anything...

I listen more.. to radio...
but I do not read...

and this worries me.

is it a more general lack of concentration due to internet use over the year, to googling and youtube? or is it a more personal thing?

I am painting more and spending perhaps a little too long tweeting and facebooking...

perhaps my inability to write coherent sentences is a reflection of my incoherent mind wandering and skipping along...

this week has been difficult...

i will write more...

i need to write more...

to restart that incessant chatter that I used to expunge onto these pages...

i will start with last week...

oh dear oh dear think there is a repeating pattern going on with work and relationships.... am uninvolving again and have downloaded a few job apps... but the story unfolds further...

and there is other news

not only a new day.. a new job


but also a new love.....

and its a gorgeous supportive happy love

it feels good and right and... well lovely!

to neil xxxx

it's a new year! a new day! a new ... job

have been in taunton for a couple of days engaged in a big search for a job... and i got offered an 11 month contract... and i am struggling to be happy with it and not to feel sorry for myself... i applied for a permanent position and have built up lots of issues about not getting offered a permanent job..... and once again.... pah!

otherwise it would be good news.. 11 months is better than 1 month.. but i am actually very sad to be leaving the rights of way office... very very sad

ha and as usual... all a bit of a disaster... but I now have a possible climbing partner.... and since then.... have had an afternoon peruse of the Tate modern.... not so impressed by the tacita dean film... but tarryn (?)Simon were quite remarkable.. or maybe some of the non photographs.... lots of austere faces...

and tehn ah ha i almost said 'home' i was back in the south east, the flatlands..... all that sky and arableness.... brief stop over to pick up car.. drove back

and then i have been miserable... am trying to fill job apps as i will be out of work by the end of the month.. and i am tired, very tired with tears brimming at inappropriate times.... almost just want to stop.... and rest

and so the process of coming to terms with the death of a difficult person and yet a close family member gets more measured.... i decided i wanted to do the eulogy because it has always seemed strange that an unknown person stands up and sums up the life... how can they do that?

but how to say something positive? and so I mulled this over quite deeply and came up with the idea of our inheritance....

and ended up with the eulogy below and actually it made me feel good
Anna and i had organised the funeral and we actually enjoyed it.... it went well, the church was lovely ... and mum seemed happy with it all

she put 'Rest peacefully' on her card.... and in the middle of last night i suddenly pondered this.... she chose her words very carefully... and i love that she was hoping, asking for peace ... for him....

06.09.2011


Thanks

Thanks for making the journey here, it is lovely to see people although sadly unfortunate too.

Also I on behalf of mum and the rest of the family would like to thank the Rector and the church...initially it was a surprise that dad had requested a burial in a church and here in Newton......  and so Anna and I came exploring ..... the day after dad died.... to actually try to find out more about dad’s request. As soon as we saw the church we felt it was ‘right’ and totally understood why dad had spoken of being buried here.

Dad and God

moving  on to the knotty question of dad and christian beliefs...  This too was a little bit of a surprise, I wondered how much of a Pascals wager it was maybe but thinking about conversations with dad we also came to realise that how sincere in his belief he had become and maybe had been in his past too... before his marriage he played in church bands... perhaps it wasn’t just about the music??

Childhood

I want to say thanks to dad (and of course to mum here too!)  for an ideal childhood It was the best, we had such a lovely foundation and that was thanks to the team that was Mum AND dad  as it is difficult to split the responsibility and so once again it is time to say thanks to both of them.... we were encouraged to be independent, adventurous and questioning .... maybe dad didn’t like my questioning of authority when i was challenging his but he really was an excellent role model in this.... perhaps to an 11 yr old it was slightly embarrassing to have a dad drive up in a moskvitch ( a russian car) wearing a little astrakhan hat but that was dad and he was an individual! always an individual.... and what 11 yr old is not embarrassed by a parent so you might as well have one that has strong political convictions who stands up for what he believes in!

Granchildren

photographs.. dad carried a little selection of photographs with him at all times and I looked at this last week... he has managed to get some gorgeous photographs there.. you know the ones where everyone is smiling and looking their best.. those rare ones! and he showed these photographs with almost embarassing regularity to so many people! He was proud of his family and I know his grandchildren will hold very affectionate memories of him ..... I know josh and jake had some excellent conversations late into the night with him that they will treasure.... jaidon and Megan sadly missed this late night side to dad but i know they will also hold affectionate memories of his constant tea drinking and various little pecadilloes! his grandchildren were able to appreciate his sense of humour too!

Music

I must also mention his love of music as it wasn’t just the politics! .... and this too has been our inheritence.... Martin, Anna and myself  have inherited this love although once again we have done this in our own very individual ways... and this is the key... and maybe the most important ....... Dad was pretty unique and if we inherit anything then being able to stand up for ourselves, not take any nonsense, and  say what we think would be fairly useful!

and so to speak of his passing.... it was as if he chose his time, he had become tired.. his body, which he had always remarked on for its strength and power, had become tired... he was ready.... and his death was thankfully peaceful …. he had reached that acceptance....

Throughout this what i have wanted to emphasise was dad’s uniqueness and individuality.. to us he was and always will be a little bit of a legend!

Goodbye dad

hmmmm what do you say about a life?

My dad is dead and words will need to be said at his funeral...

a eulogy no less, a summing up of a whole lifetime into maybe 5 minutes of talking by a stranger in a church. Which is odd to start with as he was an atheist for most of his life, apparently only recently taking on the role of believer??Weird.. there goes the line about integrity....

and then the whole family man thing...

well yes he was married and had three children and four grandchildren. But his marriage was hardly a happy one. He was a domineering bully who put his own needs before any other. His last significant words to me were 'I have lost my power' and that was the last time i saw him alive. He attempted suicide by cutting his wrists and then when that failed possibly took an overdose of warfarin... he could not cope without his power, his identity as a fit athletic, strong man... that identity had withered considerably.

So his marriage was miserable and his children hated him. He neither offered help nor advice in his fatherly role, mostly denigrating his children's achievements and throwing tons of negativity their way.and so on to his grandchildren.. here there is a significant difference; they liked him, mostly, and thought he was funny! He was a funny old man to them mainly because of the loss of power. They saw the husk of his former self and therefore he was not taken seriously and they could laugh at his bluster and nastiness because he could not harm them physically. But he could still hit with his spoken barbs. he had an uncanny and highly accurate knack of judging someones weight and would announce his opinion of their size as a family member arrived to visit... he was hardly ever out by more than a couple of pounds and so he would embarrass his visitor who had maybe put on a little more weight than they wanted. Another uncanny knack was to spot a weakness and bring attention to it, loudly and in full voice... and so if there was a slight thinning of hair it would be mentioned... a lack of confidence commented on or maybe someone had had a number of jobs in quick succession .. he would invariably mention these... and not in a supportive and encouraging way....

but the grandchildren liked him.... and got support from their parents when he was rude and unwelcoming. They needed to be told not to take his insults personally but rather that it was his problem, and that he was a grumpy old man.. and the advice seemed to work...

pity he didn't appreciate their affection....

and so nice words will be said and hymns will be sung

and afterwards the house will feel welcoming and happy

for the first time ever

because he has gone...

years and years ago I wrote my undergraduate dissertation entitled 'stepping into nature' it was an exploration of how people had become disassociated from the environment or nature.... and putting it very simply i concluded that for anything to change there would have to be a radical shift within our value system. As the value system puts greed and selfishness in such high esteem that they justified all sorts of behaviour that created problems; climate change, corrupt political systems.. you name it.. the whole basis of our society really.. and that if we could instead value care and nuturing to the same extent then perhaps the world could turn around... that exploitaiton of nature of other people of systems would perhaps seem less plausible, less a part of who we are as humans...

and now since then... members of parliament, bankers, journalists, as well as the disaffected urban youth involved in recent riots are playing out their roles as villians .... but.. we need to move forward to move on and away from this villification.. to find a way to be kinder, to care.. and to show others that this is the only way forward... that raging capitalism is not the answer.. we do not need more and more .. stuff...

there's much in the news about the death of Osama bin laden.... too much braggadocio and crowing really.. and i wonder... what happened to justice? I feel that the event has made a smaller man of Barak Obama... and the world is becoming a scarier place because of the loss of a lack of justice afforded bin laden. It is too easy to say that he didn't treat his victims with any sense of dignity or acknowledgment of their right to live.... why behave in the same manner, how does that make one a decent person, how does it make our system of 'democracy' and 'playing fair' stand up to critical eyes.... Bin Laden was shot in his room, unarmed.... not arrested and tried under a fair judicial system...

president truman after the second world war insisted that the Nazi leaders should be tried in a court of law, a transparent court, where their crimes could be spelt out and understood by all and their guilt decided on in a fair and equitable way..... this was considered the 'right way' to conduct such events

and so more than 50 years on and we seem to have forgotten this sense of justice... a man was shot dead, summarily executed... and thousands crowd the streets to cheer!?? where is the justice? Obama rose to the presidency on a call for change.... he promised to remove the illegal guantanamo imprisonments... he was considered a man of integrity...and now he crows over the death of an enemy? He is reduced by such an act, and becomes no better than the 'terrorist....

justice needs to be done and to be seen to be done... there was no justice here

went climbing again yesterday

and really rediscovered the excitement... recently I have been climbing low gades, v diffs or even a diff and have felt mixed about it as I am learning to overcome vertigo so although the climbs were easy and straightforward I had to come to terms with getting weirdly scared.... particularly at the top of a climb. I can no longer peer over the top of a cliff without a sensation of tumbling over

and so yesterday I climbed a vs, a much harder climb and this one had quite an exposed element to it... half way up i had a panic and thought I'd cop out as there was a diff right next to the route i was attempting, but the rope was coming from too far from the right and actually caught around a crag... so i had no choice but to head back to the right route and actually climb it. I had had some good scrambles earlier and was feeling quite strong and confident so i edged around the rock, feeling my way around a corner unable to see any foot or hand holds... luckily there was a wonderful juggy hold which enabled me to swing around the outcrop and i made it into the small gully that was the actual route.... after that it was a more simple climb upwards and i was, using the emphatic surfing terminology, 'stoked'!!! I finally feel like i am a climber again

April!

how is it time moves so quickly!

moving again.. some stuff hasn't worked.. hours have been restricted to 37 and i needed to earn a bit more, and I am still temping so earning crap... and therefore i cant really afford it... plus.. its still like a building site and has been hard work.. and I have been ill.... hmmmmmm glad it's spring and very happy to put winter behind me

and so i look for somewhere in penryn or falmouth, a place that has more of a community feel and has lots going on.... art stuff, yoga and even a chanting group!

still really enjoying work... map stuff/gis stuff

and trying out the dating thing

and now it's nearly christmas

still working digitising maps
have been ill
shingles
horrible word
alone
tired
cold
and a little


bored

Snow

and

cold

and

ice

It's very cold in the pod, very cold indeed!

It was good to get out this morning and walk to work. By the time I was at work I had warmed through and now I sit almost on top of a radiator, luxuriating in its warmth!

and so.... what is happening

adjusting to living alone
trying to get over JB but not succeeding
thinking, as always, of offloading solomon
started knitting
still kayaking
still in truro
still working on maps
browsing the dating sites
pondering xmas alone
struggling to make the rent

not so different really

moved in

and it is a lovely place

rather unfinished though

another time of waiting

have now moved out of the beach house a place i lived for two years... and am heading for living in a sheltered urban eco-home in Truro but it's not ready yet and so I feel everyday now is a day of waiting...

living in limbo when I want stability and security makes life interesting

but I have been fortunate in that I have been able to store my furniture/belongings in a friend's garage in Redruth and other friends have spare rooms that I can stay in whilst I wait.

and i love living in Penryn.. which is a little unsettling as maybe I should have simply just looked for a place there rather than be swayed by the urban cool of the eco-home....

and so I wait and wonder...

at work and suddenly remembered I saw a deer on my way home yesterday. This is such a rare occurence that I feel it needs remarking on. A small female roe deer in the early evening just simply crossing the road within the valley that leads down into Porthtowan. A swift glance but one that fills the heart with delight! and just as I am about to leave the village to return to slightly more urban living! oddly my only other rare sighting was dolphins on my arrival and now a deer as I leave!

still struggling to sort stuff out, elder j is still living with me, not contributing and being sadly depressed and unmotivated.... so sort of feel my life is not really being lived as I am putting him first in so many ways... but maybe just maybe this is what i should be doing, and that maybe the simple single selfish life will elude me .... we are, after all, supposedly social creatures so why do I want to be alone so much????

and so it is now May.. the election is tomorrow and I'm scared the world will be a blacker (or should I say bluer??) place afterwards... I am voting libdem... but that's mainly to keep the tories out.... crossing fingers that enough people will do likewise.... a conservative majority would be a disaster

its warm and sunny, the beach looks inviting. Went to gylly beach in Falmouth yesterday and sat drawing people and reading about the Lost Gardens of Heligan a very lovely way to spend my time.. but not particularly productive I suppose

applied for a number of odd jobs yesterday, have an interview with an agency for some temping work so I guess I'll be doing something soon. Jon has mentioned doing some butterfly work in June and Lucy has put my name forward to do some scribing... ideally if i could add to those, other non 9 to 5 stuff life could be quite sweet... sell artwork?? do some markets?? get maybe something part -time.. find a much cheaper place to live... there's options out there that don't involve crap work in crap places... I really should give it a go....

and its warmer and sunnier now... heading out to Ms Peapods for lunch

am tired of describing the difficulties of getting anywhere with the phd.... need to move on in some way/somehow...

maybe can push it to keep going until i find a job... and in the meantime try to play ball

and climb, kayak, swim and play.... whilst i am here

well..... more scenario 2 in the outcome although scenario 1 was the one that was acted out.. but my supervisor 1 cannot act alone.. and had to consult with supervisor 2 who basically takes the role of supervisor 1 and has apparently tossed me to one side and cannot see any merits in anything i offer.... and i cannot receive an email from her without going into a 2 day rage... and so Sup 1 consulted sup 2 and sent a thoroughly negative email.... saying no! offering me few choices other than to get out... she insists that an historical geography approach is the only possible one and that's it... will consider nothing else.... and now i feel I can do nothing other than refuse and leave...

a sample from the email

"For all these reasons – commitment to the funding partners, the time left available and intellectual viability – your new proposal is unfortunately not viable. While we accept that it is useful for you to take stock at this time, this must be in the context of the research that was presented at your upgrade. To do otherwise will take the whole project back to the beginning and to certain non-completion. I know that you will find this disappointing news, particularly having geared yourself up towards a new start. However, I hope you will understand that we have a clear obligation to the funders - the AHRC and Porthcurno - to ensure that there is a completed and relevant PhD at the end of their 3 year’s investment.

Please take time to consider the above and how you wish to proceed."

so i will leave and the phd will not be completed....

Right

I have a meeting with my supervisor today... it could go either way...

scenario 1 -i show him new ideas for phd.. he smiles says fine, love it, get on with the work right away...

scenario 2 - i show him new ideas for phd... he sniffs, looks away, says 'what the hell!!!......'

obviously hoping for the former

ideas consist of writing the phd about an image, a sound and an object... all 3 found in museum.... using them as a means to explore the history and culture of the telegraph cable .. that's it.. quite simple really

the image is one of men grappling a cable on a beach
the sound is of a cable under the sea
the object is the cable itself

will have to see how it goes

having to get into action as everything around me is changing again

need to find a job

interrupt the phd (officially)

find various ways of making money... ebay to divest myself of clutter, selling artwork, write, consult??? will have to see.... as i didn't imagine i would need to be doing this for now....

accept that maybe I wont ever be a Dr and come to terms with that

decide where to live

find the money to fly to florida

learn to sail

and ... for now the sun is shining so i am sitting in the garden reading Wolf Hall

woo hoo.. i thought this had been consigned to the internet ether!!! but its back.. delilah is still here!! woo hoo! it means i have not lost details of the last 8 years... my memory is so indistinct nowadays that I cant remember anything

sooooo

an update

am dithering again;

whether to continue phd .....although the topic and the supervisor are driving me bonkers

to write... have got a novel underway and the ideas and research that it is throwing up are exciting me

to travel.... have the chance to sail from Florida to Guatemala with an good friend.. though not sure how much either of us actually know about sailing... i am relying on you Cx!!

to move.... to the south coast of cornwall which has a much calmer climate and lots of excellent swimming places

to find a man/partner.... or continue a close friendship with someone who wants to be single (which in effect means he doesn't want me... but it is now becoming quite comfortable and he is good company)

to sell artwork.... have been inspired by the landscape around here and maybe just maybe could sell some stuff

soooooo its all happening as usual

am sitting gazing across thebeach and pondering the alternatives but one thing that is really really good is that delilah is back as a place to ponder

and now it is september... and I have spent the last few weeks hobbling around with a broken ankle.... did it mid july just as summer was really getting underway... and I am struggling with everything.... at first I was in denial and tried walking on it which only made it worse so since mid aug I have been wearing a cast and using crutches... and am now at the point of crying and feeling very sorry for myself... the weather has been crap too so I haven't been lounging around in the sun doing some reading but sitting inside with a caged cat and now j is back too so the beach hut is messy, full and proving to be wayyyyyyy tooooooo small for three imprisoned creatures... j is imprisoned by his lack of money.... I by the inability to drive and the cat hates the rain.... going mad

and have gone for an extension for my upgrade.... could not work in these conditions and am wondering how to get started....???

Just sent an email this morning and haven't had a reply.... have wanted one but nothing has turned up in my inbox... maybe I have blown it again.... hmmmmm

and now J has got a job and has moved out! well part-time at least... so he's now working in a beautiful National Trust House just outside Newquay... bought him a bike... a very sweet looking 1980's early mountain bike, steel frame but lightweight... hmmm I was quite jealous of it.. and the man that ran the bike shop was ummmmm very interesting!!! ha ha hah like buses.... all quiet for ages then 3 come along at once... but was only window shopping which is allowed surely... feel quite happy with the way things have turned out with jon... well so far anyway... feel it will slowly become public... which is quite funny.... and he thinks I'm 49.. and so far I haven't put that right... 33 -49 is possibly far preferable to 33 -51!! that's a lot of years difference... think my neighbours are confused... between josh and jon... they are not quite sure just who is who and ummmmmmmmmm well.... hey!

also wondering if this will jinx everything.... be really pissed off if next week I am writing about being single ..... crossing fingers, looking for 4 leaved clovers, rabbits feet... the works!!!!!

ahhhhh the joys of spring!!

will be spending my first night this year in my tent tonight... really excited by it... have been running, bodyboarding, cycling and surfing in the last couple of weeks ... feeling sooo much fitter! Living in Cornwall is like living in a giant playground! it's truely wonderful

and and and the love life is running full steam ahead... we have talked, argued, been just friends and then had a clean break... for a day... and since then it has been so much easier.. neither wanted a clean break.. so we are simply seeing what happens... did i say 'we'???? hahahahahaha aha haha hah a manic laughter... it's been awhile since I have said 'we'

somethings just keep repeating... again I find myself, after enjoying a short time of living alone, living with my eldest... circumstances are not ideal and I am hoping it is for a short period until he finds work.... now I just have to stop myself from returning to the naggy woman of his teenage years and remind myself he is no longer that messy teenager ..... that things are different.....

and the phd... made a delightful little connection yesterday .... and feel good about it... archival work can be exciting!!!!!!!!!

and the love life ... pah! harrrumph!

went down to the beach in Porthcurno yesterday though and had words with mother earth... said a few mahalo's and made an offering or two... out loud .... and felt good about it... the old hippy in me is really coming out! and I dont care!! magical mystery tour 2009 has started.... there are many many serendipidous things happen if one opens oneself up to them... so I am going out tonight and well who knows what could happen, who I could meet and where I could end up... heading into Penryn which is alittle town on the river Fal, it has a harbour that has an excellent fishmongers and we are going to have a meal in a place called something like Aqualibra.. then head to a pub called No 20!
Surfers against sewage are doing a beach clean in Porthtowan on sunday so Josh and I will help out there, getting free coffees from the blue bar as a reward... might go climbing tomorrow somewhere near Lands End... and end the weekend off with the pub quiz on sunday night.... all rather splendid really!

there was snow, quite a lot of it in fact. All over the country and it stayed put for a while so made everything white and pure, pristine.... then there were floods... had one night of fighting torrents of water pouring from the cliff into my backdoor... drains were blocked and guttering collapsed so had to fix guttering and unblock drains and then sweep water from one blocked drain towards one higher up the side path.... it worked though ... the following week the backdoor was replaced and so now I have one without draughts! but that was then, seemingly already distant past... now we are nearing the end of feb anad flowers are blooming, temperatures are rising and there is the possibility of spring just around the corner...

the man got funding here in this dept and so is staying... so we are planning climbing trips, kayaking, camping adventures .... but oh well will just have to see what happens... I am hopeful though that eventually maybe we can try again and this time his head might be in a better place.... who knows... it might work...

phd trugging along... handed in a paper yesterday that was a little thin on theory so today I am reading about agency and objects.... great stuff!

ha! god how subliminal!! just noticed at the bottom of the doodle is a heart, dripping and broken!!! completely unintentional!! bloody pathetic will have to fill in that bit... if you click on image you can see it in original size I do believe xx

off today to try out jamie oliver's 15!! they are doing lunchtime specials on offer

I am presuming there is no snow here in cornwall as there's none on the beach... will have to see what happens when I head over the cliffs!! all comments of friends on facebook are refering to snow... so imagine the whole country is covered but cornwall

you might have guessed from thursdays post that I got dumped and yes you would be right... bit of a bugger really as I was really enjoying it all and thought he was too... although was mightily aware that the timing was a bit difficult for him... he is a post doc and his contract runs out in feb... so he has been applying all over the world for suitable funding... on butterfly research!! plus and this is what made it all a bit dodgy was he was quite recently dumped from an 8 year relationship... that's longer than I was married .. he didn't really talk about it too much so I suppose from that I made all the wrong assumptions... and a week before he dumped me he and she had been communicating quite a bit again.... he says he's just not in a place to start a relationship right now... trouble is what actually happened was he started a relationship anyway and now... has ended it... just as i was starting to think hey this is really really interesting! pah! so have tried to keep myself busy this weekend to stop myself from feeling sorry for myself....so drew this today... its the view from my window ... sort of

Alone is default

Wave perfect moment
became fleeting ephemera
once embedded once embodied
feelings denied
Desires that to the other mean nothing
suddenly emerge
to whiz and flit and fly
unaided unabashed
Yet having finally to settle
in the dust of fugged relationships
the mire of the once loved
and the ashes of the blown away

Alone is default
Always alone

god it's been ages!!!

but I feel the need to write... so much going on I don't think I can keep it all in my head at the same time...

and so ... I am no longer in Exeter working on a masters... I have moved on, or time has moved on and I am now in Cornwall (the place of dreams) and working on a Phd wooo hooo indeed....

it gets better...

I have found a little place to live that is all wooden floors, pale limed pine, lapiz blue paintwork and white walls... and out of the windows is ..... a beach complete with waves, sand, marham grass, and a plethora of surfers... particularly in the summer as the lifeguards station is right outside... I even have a cat and a lover... life is good so good that maybe I just haven't had the need to write.. that contentment has overflowed and I have no words left for blogs, private or otherwise....

my phd is interesting,
in a way,
not something I am absolutely passionate about though

and I think this is the nub, the crux of why I am returning to delilah.. I do have a little nugget of angst.... I can make it interesting, I can view it as a job to do, research for someone else... but it is not my own research!!! that is the key..

I am feeling less and less personal involvement... the reason I am back here is because I have just read a blog from someone who is due to do a seminar here in a couple of weeks...ecology without nature and I want to be spending my time researching something like ecology/nature/phenomenolgy/soundscapes/liminal places and that is so where I want to be yet I find myself reading historical documents about whether the Post Office should take over the running of the telegraph industry.. doh! do I care????

I am taking one of the new collaborative doctoral awards that have been set up and funded by the AHRC and the Porthcurno Museum... and University of Exeter... the research proposal was already confirmed and finalised by the time I came along to make my application and I have had to fit in with too many other people's agendas.... and none of them match my own... I had my doubts about this phd when I applied as historical geography was not a favoured arena... it had seemed quite plodding and quite frankly dull! I decided to play the interview my way and just describe how I saw the thing and how my theoretical background was more cultural and material and so I prattled on mentioning merleau ponty's reflexivity, spinozan ethics, chucked in a reference to deleuzian lines of drift... waved my hands around a lot and thoroughly enjoyed myself... I had the idea that if they offered me the place it would be because of my approach and implicit within this is the approval of my approach...

so what has happened since starting?? I have had all sides banging on about the visual, the corporate identity... all words that were in the original title and that a number of colleagues in exeter assured my was only a working title and that I could wrangle it around to something applicable to me.. that, in fact, all I had to do was get the phd funding and then I would be away.. doing my own thing..... this has not worked out so simply

I travel to the museum, last term I went once a week, I read stuff, look at images, feel flippant and peripheral.... this term I am planning to try out staying for longer and 'fully immersing' myself in the archive.... what I realise now is that I dont care enough... it just doesn't mean that much to me.. that I cant be bothered to explain to museum people just what I want to do , because they wont 'get' it and will begrudge my funding... and what I really want to do is explore soundscapes at modern music festivals, to work out just what is going on when the whole crowd at glasto sing along to leonard cohen's halelujah, or what is happen to people at the front in a moshpit when they experience the full physicality of the music's power from the vibrations of the bass coming up through the feet to the fish-like school of moshers moving as one.... or to explore the search for a non-dualistic approach to life, how dualistic hierarchies seem unsurmountable....

unfortunately it's not really anything to do with telegraph cables or historical geography...

oh yes.... and a Happy New Year!!x

feeling unsettled.... with itchy feet.. like it's time to do..... what? something is stirring in the bones and I cant put my finger on just what it is... generally life is going ok.... it is pressured and living in the small post grad mostly female community is a bit like the boiling house of a girls boarding school.... and yes I have my enemies!!! (though find it weird but there's one or maybe even two that send daggerish looks and I seem completely unable to have a civil conversation with them... ie one had sent by email a paper for a group, the ethnography reading group, to read.... it had one of my old favourite inuit stories of the skeleton woman analysed within it's pages... so I went up to her and said.. oh I loved seeing the skeleton woman again... she looked at me aghast and said 'look I do eat, I have a voracious appetite and I'm getting fed up with remarks about my skinniness'...... it took a couple of sentences about inuit fairytales to make her realise I wasn't being bitchy.... and frankly I am a bit fed up with it... there's another an american, who is also applying for a phd so we are in direct competition... and she seems to misunderstand everything I say to her to the point I have given up.... and actually I feel better for getting that out of my system here... if I'd had a moan to fellow masters students then I just seem to come across as moany...maybe I am... what I find weird though is having to deal with this.... other than that- I have had an offer of a place, now I just have to get funding... so I will be here for another 3 years at least....

I am writing my dissertation on walking to glastonbury festival and the lovely thing is we are all going.... J& J and both partners and some of J's friends too...and s from uni and maybe others too..... you'd have thought I would be looking forward to it, and I thought I was looking forward to it but the other night I awoke from a terrifying dream, a dream where I was walking along a pleasant hillside path.... it became fenced off and then barb wire entangled it to the point where I had to turn back, but I saw another path lower down the hillside, headed back to a stile that led to this path and as as I was climbing the stile a massive pack of snarling wild dogs came running up, it's leader the size of an irish wolfhound and sporting a massive lions mane!!!!! I woke terrified!

have just set up a new blog... it's sort of for my masters dissertation but will have to see if anything happens on it... comments would be helpful if only to give the impression that its a vibrant and dynamic blog that is perused by the masses!! the link to it is below


journey to glastonbury festival

faced the demons and did my talk yesterday... and actually enjoyed it, found I had lots to say, could answer questions and, even if I say so myself, it went well... spent yesterday evening on cloud nine and think I'm still there..... all is good with the world (in the academic sense anyway) now feeling so positive about stuff that I'm ready to write a phd proposal!!!

a strange thing is happening to my 50 years of very healthy body.. my liver is complaining!!! hmmmm this is not good tho' perhaps not surprising... and so it's a month of detox for the liver!!! Started this morning with some alarmingly coloured dandelion tea... yes it looked like pee!!!! and no alcohol for a month!!! shouldn't be a problem I thought and then realised it is 'Fair Trade week' and a friend at uni is doing her phd on fair trade wine and yes you've guessed it, today she's doing a tasting session.... my first challenge will be not to listen to the little voice in my head that will politely but smoothly suggest that as it's simply a 'tasting' it's not really 'drinking'.... maybe I'll go to the soporific data analysis lecture instead just to avoid 'the voice'..

it's getting rather intense!! am trying to read a paper but my head is off all over the place.... yesterday one of our group (the youngest a 21 yr old who has just finished her degree) presented a paper ... the module is entitled 'contemporary debates in human geography' and this term each masters student has to select a paper and present it to the rest of the group... K was the first to do this and its me next week... she is meticulous in her work and she arrived yesterday with handouts and a 9 page script!!!! and my god did she know her stuff!!! I am in awe and now consequently in a tearful, depressed state as I know that I have to follow perfection... she was able not only to handle the discussion afterwards but she so obviously knew, on a deep and meaningful level, what she was talking about.... and I feel so fluffy!!!!!!!!! my understanding is barely scratching the surface, and I tend towards flippancy when put on the spot! Next week is going to be terrifying... already I am terrified... my choice of paper... is probably bonkers... but the problem is I dont even know.... oh god oh god oh god.....

It's monday, it's february, it's cold....

yesterday I learnt how to deal with getting arrested, how to conduct a 'no comment' interview and how to go all floppy when police people try to move me... very effective indeed!!! and no its not part of my masters in human geography but another course entirely.... and slightly secretive!!!

and last week I bought a very small mountain bike, I need a very small one because I have very small legs... but as soon as I started riding it I became exhausted... had totally not taken the actual size of the hills around here into account!!! my legs/body/lungs just weren't up to it!!!!

other catch up news.... still doing the going out drinking copious amounts of wine and saying stupid things to lecturers... ended up arm wrestling one of them last week in a club... now what was that about I wonder????... it's as if I have this other life, a secret life that even I do not know about, just have vague and dodgy memories that sometimes seep into consciousness???? hmmmm no not good for the brain cells at all and at my age I should be preserving them!!!!!

that's it really, lots of reading... nt sure what I will do my dissertation on... maybe the journey to glasto, maybe magical realism and cyborgs.... maybe something more politcal.... the auto-ethnography of an eco warrior!!!!

my computer seems to dislike the letter 'o' so I apologise if any are missing

bloody hell... it's been ages.. and this is a mere note of a post! the sun is shining and I'm heading off to the north coast again... W has bought a house in Barnstaple and so I'm heading over to say hello!!

getting essays back with marks and comments! and it's not too bad.... and getting better... the first essay that I knew was crap got a crap mark, yesterday an essay I thought was better got a better mark.... so it all makes sense!!!

it's that time of year again... think I've had loads of rants about it before now.... but this year will be different.. I'll be able to go for a walk along a beach... maybe a surf if I am foolhardy enough..

thought it would be chilled...

I thought wrong....

now i have essay deadlines, sons who need a lift, one with a young cat who is also visiting!!?? food to collect/gather store/plus accompanying pots and pans that the cottage might not possess.... bugger this ...I should just provide egg and chips... if they want more they can get it themselves...

hmmmmmmmmm are the words ... bah humbug... coming to mind???

would anyone believe it if I claimed to be chilled and very happy in my new little life I wonder???

week ten has been and gone... it's now the holiday and still i sit and read... read as if my life depended on it... but sadly by now i should be writing!! last week I set myself a word target of 300 per day... no problem I thought... so.... how's it gone? well up to this evening i have the total of ... ummmm 273.... out of 4000.... but hey the deadline is ages away, absolutely ages!

I am writing on the rather appropriate topic of ageing bodies!!! ha! they said pick something you are interested in!! so i am looking at the philosophical conundrum of being a confident woman, happy with her body size (well mostly) suddenly walking passed a mirror and seeing ..... an older, dare i say it, middle aged woman.... and naked well!!!!!!! the word .... matronly comes to mind.... and this ageing process leads to social invisibility... I am tired of how many young students seem to feel the need to tell me about their mothers as if I had some clear cut connection with them!! they see me and think... mother.. I suppose if they started talking grannies I would get really worried... so you lose your personality... people don't care who you are or what you think they just see you in terms of their mothers??? and so what do loads of women my age do?? .... that's it.... plastic surgery!!!! we don't mind being 50 as long as we don't actually have to look 50....

visited London last weekend and it was quite lovely to be back on familiar streets, walking down known pathways and exploring the already explored.... went to see S & R and their lovely new baby Z... what struck me about the visit was the happiness of the household, it was truely delicious to hear two new parents singing to their cherished offspring and just being so obviously overjoyed by it all!!

But on the saturday I headed off to have a look at what was going on in the Turbine Hall at the tate modern.... it's floor was cracked



and that's about all i can say about it... sort of hmmm it's cracked, so what....then as I was a little disappointed I wandered around seeing what else was on offer.... there was an exhibition by Louise Bourgeois which was stunning in it's forms and textures, it was challenging and playful.... it blew away the genderisation of paintings and sculptures and what struck me was that here was a woman born in 1911 and being braver in challenging stereotypes, gender roles than anyone from my generation... it was quite marvelous


and as i left the building was faced with this ....

it's now heading to the end of october and i have been in Exeter almost a month...

Thank you R for your comment, lovely to hear from you.... particularly as you share those memories of The Mermaid in the 70's!!

Tho' today, instead of heading to the north coast to surf, I am hiding away in my flat nursing a sore throat...

The exploration of society/geography seems to be now looking under the tablecloths, exploring the deeper recesses and coming up with the realisation that magic never went away!!! Just read Enchantment of Modernity and it's quite a magical read

still to decide which field my dissertation is to be in, tho' I have the idea that it will be something to do with landscape....

but what happened yesterday was exciting too as I discovered that derrida is on youtube!!!! I can sit and hear the master talk in my own lounge!!! and it is all starting to make sense!!!!

i have been reading derrida this morning and I feel like I am running through an early morning woodland trying to grasp the mist that floats freely around me.... I can see it, I can feel it but cant quite get it!!!!

also remembered my 15 year old self sitting in The Mermaid listening to the conversation of the worldly, wordy Irish Trinity College undergraduates (oh they were so grown up!!)... I was determined to discover for myself the meanings of their words and spent the summer fetching such books from the library as Herman Hesse's Glass bead Game and Steppenwolf, Sartre's Nausea and Roads to Freedom and reading reading reading... by the time I had some idea of what it was about and a casual familiarity with the text the summer was over and the students back to their studies... so yesterday there I was in the post-grad coffee room, oh yes a very exclusive little area... and I was sitting listening to conversation about derrida, about post-post structuralism and what have I done...? yes indeed..... rushed off to the library to re-discover these ideas these words... today I have a 'critical theory cluster to attend... I have read the text, re-read the text and I have referred to text describing the text and do I get it???.... ha no it's like grasping mist

the second week is almost done and I have been reading, oh have I been reading! Sort of realise that I have spent a fortune, moved myself to the other side of the country away from all that I know in order to .... read.

and is it all starting to make sense....

are the hybrids coming out of the woodwork and starting to be familiar? Is the Other really there and am I enchanted or dis-illusioned by the process of modernity???? hmmmmmmm maybe my sense of or for my-self needs polishing, mirabilis, mira-cle, mirror.... is it the reflexive and cursive self that is screaming or is my ethnography too disabled by my lack of difference... if I keep writing I might persuade myself I have some clue as to some meaning, or is it all in the end meaningless.....

perhaps

quite simply

I

am

lost

ahhhhh it's been soooooo long! But once again I feel the need to communicate via Delilah...

so here i am sitting in the lounge of my new flat in central exeter. I have a seminar to attend later this afternoon but for most of today I have been enjoying the luxury of broadband at home. So I am about to book a cottage on the north coast for xmas week and am looking around for a decent yoga class... not much studying going on just yet but hopefully it will kick in ... have a couple of papers to read and finding it all rather scary really. Will my failing memory be up to a Masters in Research followed by a PhD I wonder??? Can only try

Sooooo to the actual experience! Being a student again and after such a long time is simply marvellous! But this time is fraught with the additional lack of knowledge of the town, the campus or any people, a bit like being 18 and heading off into the wide world alone... but this time with the uncomfortable baggage of 30 yrs of cynicism, a bad back and greying hair! and the total inability to drink more than 2 glasses of wine and remember anything of conversations. My first intro day ended in a local pub where I apparently had an excellent conversation with a Professor and now I wouldn't recognise him if he knocked on my froont door and introduced himself... hmmmm not good, not good at all. So, is the choice give up the booze altogether or just take the risk occassionally and hope I don't say anything too stupid, or too memorable that anyone feels the need to discuss things further. One thing I have realised this time around and it's very scary indeed is that I have no nerves at all about making a fool of myself and am quite happy to pipe up opinions in class!! In fact a little too keen really... they might have to find ways of keeping me quiet!!!

scary scary scary.... just got my name put on the door of my office!!! That's a first! do I belong??

Suddenly I realise I have a social life here in Cambridge too... and what am I going to do? Yes- leave it all behind and move to a place where I know no-one!! But at least the countryside will be gorgeous so I can wander in it lonely as a cloud..... for about 2 years when I will suddenly realise that I have a new social life....

Big moves ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to Exeter University for a chat about doing a Masters/PhD and it's all happening! Well it will if I complete the online application which is almost done..... just transcripts from my degree required and then sell up and move to Devon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am i dreaming .....? Can this be real????

sooooooooooooooo no more Camden........... all has gone quiet on the TT front... so I thought I'd add Robert Newman to my boyfriend list as he is the only bloke I have met recently who I've actually thought 'now I would love him to be "my boyfriend this week"!!! sadly I'm not sure one week would be enough tho'.... have you seen History of Oil it's required viewing indeed... and he is going to be at the Monday love thingy very soon... maybe I should go....

Back to blogging again... my receptacle for inner chatter has receded into the background... in fact I haven't heard from him for days ... and so I blog again... it's odd how I tend to stop blogging when i am seeing someone ... so when I start writing again it means I have no other place for the inner chatter.. and it must be deposited somewhere.... so if there's no-one within my personal sphere to listen to my ramblings I look to Delilah to fulfil that need... and she is always there. non-judgemental, just sitting waiting.....

went out friday night and loved it... was in amongst a group of people, an odd assortment of journo's, muso's and uni workers... and they are people I have known awhile now... people I have had a few drinks with in the past and they are wonderfully familair.... When you start new jobs constantly, as happens in the world of temping, you do get to meet a lot of nice people but they are all new and it is quite comforting to be in amongst people who have some idea of who you are, without having to explain, describe or elucidate... and that was how I felt on friday.... maybe a little too comfortable tho as I didn't have to be on best behaviour... there was no-one I wanted to impress... and so I didn't impress!! Spent the evening flitting between T a young, intelligent writer and b..... both of a similar age to my sons..... but what the hell!!! Left early tho' so still had a bit of a sensible head ... Saturday tho' I actually had to go out to the shed to see if my bike was there as I had absolutely no memory of unlocking the bike, cycling home or locking the bike up when I got there. I wasn't even sure the bike would be there??? This is not good..... maybe give up alcohol for a while.......

Is it because the name of the month has changed???? But I am feeling a whole lot better about life, work and just about everything else. Yesterday morning was the lowest point when on the phone to TT.... felt totally cold and alone... then went for lunch here at work... it's £2 so seemed worth trying. Trundled over the courtyard to the oak pannelled dining room in the company of fellow workers. There was a conference on so the hall was full of delegates chatting away merrily... queued up for food to find the non-meat choice was trout or mushroom stroganov which wasn't a bad start! There was a staff table set out and waiter's floating around helpfully! Dessert was a choice of a massive chocolately thing or excellent cheeses and biscuits, after that we adjourned to the saloon, comfortably furnished with soft sinking sofa's, for coffee and conversation. Then a brisk walk around part of the gardens finished off the lunch hour very nicely. I was starting to feel at home. Today there has been general friendly conversation with people popping into my office, and I am starting to like it. Cant beat the surroundings at all and seeing a barn owl on the way to work, having a sun soaked lake reflecting drooping willows to look at from the window isn't half bad....

ipod continuing to talk to me... started off with Pink Floyd's Fearless this morning which was just what I needed!!!

Headed into work this morning, which was a pleasant change but as I had to drive I remembered my ipod... it started up as I was pulling out of my street with Razorlight's 'Who needs Love' which made me laugh but then came Beth Orton's 'Feel to Believe' followed by Graham's 'A place for Grief' it was too much, my ipod knows more about what's going on in my life than I do!!!

The weekend was marked by the deplorable realisation that caffeine withdrawal is a messy business!! Now why wasn't my ipod playing 'Thing's can only get better'

Went to see Babel friday night... same director as 21 grams and oddly I found myself in the same cinema The Soho Curzon to watch his new film. 21g prepared me a little! It was quite an emotional jouney, the film was powerful in many many ways. It was about language and our inability to understand difference, it was about choices and assumptions that we make daily that initially seem insignificant but the repurcussions are sometimes enormous lifechanging events, it was about love. It was political, exploring the starkly contrasting treatment received by people of different nationalities. It was one of those films whose images returned to haunt and remind the next day......





and then the next day..... went to Tate Britain to see the replication of Brian Haw's protest in Parliament sq. 'State Britain' by Mark Wallinger. The protest had been removed by police last summer and Brian has continued his protest but is now only allowed 3 m for his posters... the exhibition reproduced it quite wonderfully, all 40 m of it, right down to his boots next to his bed!

hmmmmm as the job thing becomes problematic I start looking further afield, have already applied for a job in Cornwall this week, then after receiving an email from Maui I was reminded about the eco-village that Dreaming Bear lived in ... there's work and accommodation available... just have to find a suitable tree to live in ... What am I doing here????

here's another one... and a close up too...

ok must admit to enjoying one or two of the Big Brother's of the past... John Mc Thingy was brilliantly awful, George Galloway scary scary scary and even way back Vanessa's breakdown unmissable but this one! Cant watch it... as soon as the Goody family entered it became "Shameless' for real without the humour.... I have watched a couple of times since and seen a group of females picking on another, without censure.... it is truly horrible and should be boycotted.... Big Brother for me is over

just got the Skype thing sorted out so if you fancy a conversation just let me know... it's taken a bit of getting used to, having an odd little square in the corner of the screen with my face in it, but if I keep the lighting down and jiggle around a lot I'm quite fuzzy and that's the way I like it!



ahh another thing, if anyone want to commission a piece of my artwork... or knows someone who would like a large round textured thing hanging on their wall simply let me know.... I've actually got my act in gear and they are not looking too bad at all..... here's what one looks like on Jake and Angel's wall

hmmmmm getting a little confusing with my posts i think

still talking to TT so that's good.... who knows what will happen there but as it is, it is very pleasant for the moment....

but work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just don't know what to do other than god forbid actually go and sign on !!! shudder at the thought of it... but i have no more money coming in

so if anyone out there knows of any projects that need expert help or maybe a garden that needs care???? ummm a child that needs looking after... or climbing lessons???? just let me know................

odd very odd... just when i think something interesting is starting... it finishes... trying to avoid the almost overwhelming disappointment.... by not thinking about it....

still no work either.... was it something i said? should I be taking this personally I wonder, it must have been something i did????

and so I am trying to be creative, to produce artwork that I have no interest in as someone expressed interest in buying a piece..... feel a little stuck at the moment.... very very stuck in actual fact

what to do next?

So it's all over! The week has been interesting! Life could get very interesting indeed! Went to meet TT again and it was rather lovely!.... now tho' back at home, and trying to find work, it all seems a bit unreal... parties in Camden, good conversation, healthy organic food, sleeping late...

There was one lovely moment amongst the many that made me laugh... the party was full of media types and some very interesting people... one of them was Rob newman who looked across at me and nodded a very friendly hello. I was sure he recognised me and was puzzling out where we might have met... didn't want to say it was recently when I got him to sign his book after one of his gigs!!! But anyway the party oddly reminded me a bit of being in Maui... there was an agelessness about it all and some very dynamic people, lots of political and environmental debate and lots of creatively musical people, not the sort of gathering you get in Cambridge at all!!!

Christmas has been survivied! In fact it all went quite pleasantly! Got the turkey in by 9.00am suitably basted and adorned with spices and peppers... haven't done this turkey cooking thing too often and do remember one year actually cooking the giblets, in their plastic bag, so had a good look in the vast cavity to ensure that there was no sign of plastic. All that was in there was what was possibly the neck??? So removed that, washed the beast poured a suitable mix of salt pepper garlic and lemon over the skin and carefully placed it in the hot oven... every half an hour or so I removed it to baste further and on one of those times noticed something in the neck area...yes I'm afraid to say it was the bag of giblets!!!!!!!!!! Hastily removed them and just hoped the flavour of plastic had not had long enough to infuse the whole bird! Bad enough doing this once but ............ a second time! At least I discovered my mistake before my family arrived and sat around the beast waiting for their slices....
won a minor battle with my father over smoking and he joined the others on the balcony for his cigarettes, whilst muttering under his breath how I should be more adaptable and how it would be the death of him... hmmmm haven't heard from them since.... hope he is ok... don't want to live with anymore guilt than I already have
So we ate, my father fell asleep, we drank, we talked, they left, we heaved a massive sigh of relief..... all done for another year

and now it's my birthday!! and I'm heading into London to meet TT! Think he's cooking me dinner?? but this is early early days, though we have spoken everyday since we met and it all seems rather lovely so far.............

I have just updated my blogger stuff and now will see just what the differences are, if any????

Don't forget tomorrow night!!!

just came across the most wonderfully titled 'Society to Assist Ladies in Reduced Circumstances' Wow isn't it amazing that such a society could exist in this day and age... how wonderful! What a lovely little safety net! must remember it when times get tough! Though I do wonder what defines a 'lady' is it how you make the tea, or whether you can sit cross-legged for hours without your foot falling off.... maybe I'll have to start practising!!

oh what a difference a weekend makes!!

Money is always an issue, particularly at this time of year. I always have this idea that I'm going to concentrate on non-material stuff but you just cant get away from buying presents for people you care about, and how lovely it is to do just that. It is nice to have a tree-full of decorations with packages wrapped in gorgeous paper, ribbons and bows, nestling in sparkly glory underneath. And the food.... nibbly stuff, big filling meals, on tables adorned with christmassy candles and holly sprigs.. oh yes underneath the atheist vegetarian exterior there lurks in me a yuletide monster... just waiting ....

but not this year... I am penniless ... my penury goes beyond pennilessness this year... and then I received an email this morning about bank charges. It has given me a little ray of hope on this vast gloom that is the December fug....I will write a letter to my bank forthwith stating how much they have illegally removed from my bank account over the last six years.... will let you know what happens....

sometimes I wonder about certain events... did they really happen???

yesterday was the work Christmas lunch/away day event.... a simple idea.. take the team off get someone in, have lunch, do more stuff together as a team in the afternoon and then head home...Christmas parties often turn in to rowdy drunken affairs ... that would have been so vastly preferable.... it was a spectacle tho'

I nearly didn't go, as I didn't get the job here I am leaving in a couple of weeks and I wasn't sure I could face it... read the agenda and all it had was a name of the trainer, so I googled her.... the day was to be an exploration of one's inner clown!!! Thought it might be too difficult as I am still upset and I didn't really want to put myself in a position where I would feel vulnerable. But woke up Wednesday morning with a changed heart, did up my Secret Santa pressie and headed off. The bus ride was uneventful and we arrived at a little hotel in woodland.

It started off with a very small woman with a very big laugh talking about sacred clowning. This was not to be a day of learning juggling and uni-cycling but it started off fairly innocuously with standing in a circle and each in turn walking to the centre of the circle and saying their name with an appropriate action. Even at this point some people were having problems. Some just really don't like being the centre of attention in such a focused way... anyway the morning progressed with some trust games, Grandmother's footsteps, a bit of skipping around expressing emotions sort of stuff, then we had lunch, then we did a bit more group stuff but it got very intimate... we had to 'connect' with each other by lying on the ground with your head on someone's stomach and someone else's head on yours! We all got a bit giggly at this stage.... but the strangeness really started happening with the introduction of the red noses... we were told these were a mask to our inner selves, nothing remotely to do with comic relief but an ancient form of healing, we had to 'explore' our noses, come to know them before we put them on, to feel the nose and become one with the nose... it was difficult to suppress the inner giggles when you looked around the room and saw your boss, a highly regarded colleague, wearing his nose with pride, but then he started exploring his nose further than I felt comfortable with, he placed one inside his mouth and dribbled rather a lot, looked more gormless than I would have guessed possible and listed, with glazed eyes. Others at this time were starting to explore the treasure chest of a fancy dress box! Further colleagues donned blond wigs, glitter bra's and pink hats, and this was just the blokes... It was all very free form by now there was no structure, no agenda... and it was here that some reverted to the kindergarten.... the Office manager had a wrestling match with the editor of the newsletter and they were both seriously in earnest! Deadly earnest! The boss took his exploration further and dressed in loo paper, an uninflated toy duck on his head, and a posy of silk flowers, he was now partnered by the deputy head and they became a team of performance actors in some strange frozen pastiche of a couple...... there was a further group who sat at the back of the hall and became quite aggressive about the day... I was mixed... but I have never experienced anything quite so surreal as the afternoon progressed. It grew dark, people were tired, and it was very very weird....

What Is Your Daemon?

CAT - your daemon may be a cat if you are independent and comfort loving. You follow your heart and do what you want to do - no matter what others think. You have a strong sense of your own worth, and an inner dignity. You may be loving and generous in one moment, and then lash out at someone in the next. You have as many moods as there are colours in a rainbow, and you wear them all brilliantly. You always know what you want right now - although in five minutes you may change your mind and set your sights elsewhere. You like to do things with style and flair. When someone else orders you to do something, do you feel an unholy urge to do exactly the opposite? That just might be your inner daemon talking.
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It isn't really getting any better... so I have started looking at useless stuff whilst at work... here's one purloined from Rose

Your Birthdate: December 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

and all so scarily true!... fear of failure has been at the forefront this week as I didn't get the job I'm working in, which is really really crap and now have a leaving date of the 22nd so wont get paid for Xmas or my birthday as I cant work that week!! Crap Crap Crap indeed..... struggling a bit with is all!!!! What is the point?

the day got worse... almost didn't go to London as I was feeling rather negative but thought it would cheer me up a bit, and it did. Had a very pleasant drink in the Barleymow on Curtain Road and an excellent meal in Brick Lane, maybe I was a little too relaxed as I ambled to Liverpool St as I missed the last train but undaunted I jumped on the tube to get to King's Cross thinking I had loads of time... of course that was without the inordinate wait in a tunnel somewhere under Old Street... got to King's Cross only to see an empty platform! really couldn't face a 4 and a half hour wait at King's x so caught the train to Peterborough and dozed the journey arriving there sometime after two thirty... slept on Jake's sofa and returned to Cambridge feeling very tired... went to get the bike and all that was left was my lock, unlocked. My beautiful little Giant was gone........ feel very very .....bereft....

Everything seemed to go wrong this morning! woke ridiculously early as Josh's alarm starts sounding at 5.30... it wakes me not him, it continues until I get up to remind him it is morning ... I usually offer to give him a lift to work, he has to be there at 7.30 so at 7.15 he emerges complaining that he is tired, and yet he has been sleeping for the previous two hours!!!!!!!!!! (you can tell cant you that I am getting a little fed up with this particular morning routine)

this morning all went as usual and I returned home, got out of my car and walked towards my flat only to realise at that point that I had no keys. Last night the ex was round, he is collecting a sofa I have purchased from ebay this morning and so I gave him my keys so he could simply drop the sofa in in the daytime.... so there I was semi-pyjama'd hair tied in last nights scrunchy, unable to get in... so had to drive back into town, park the car and walk across the backs, into Queens College, walking all around in search of Josh, luckily I found him before he climbed on to the roof, where he has been working recently!!!!

Got to work late only to receive an email from sofa people that there would be no-one in as their son had to go to hospital... so had to phone Jake and his dad to say sofa collection was off, god knows when this sofa will actually arrive!!! ... all before 9.00 this morning! Now at work and totally unable to concentrate... and that has nothing to do with meeting an old flame this evening in my old haunt The Foundry.....

had another ridiculous guardian soulmates date on Saturday.... oh and yes by now I should have learned... I should know better!!!

the chappie involved lives in Exeter and despite his absolute adoration of jazz (I utterly hate it) for some reason I thought I might be able to put such massive differences aside .... and so I thought Avebury would be a good half way point to meet... haven't been there in a while and I do love the place so I reasoned that I could cope with an afternoon there even if the date was none too exciting!! Am I cracking up or what, I totally went into this totally not expecting to like the bloke... and guess what........ the date was not noted for the flying sparks!!! It was quiet and sort of muted... I chatted away inanely of course, I can do the verbal diarrhea thing with ease but it was sort of non-consequential stuff... I felt uninvolved... the stones were beautiful the sky a gorgeous blue the sun was beating down, the site is magical... perfect setting heh!!!

and I drove for 5 and a half hours! for a pleasant cup of coffee????????? no hope really.... the 2and a half hour drive back tho' was splendid as I dove passed nearly every town's firework display... catching glimpses of exploding colour all the way home

rushed out of work yesterday to catch a bus to London, it seemed a better (cheaper) thing to do than catch th etrain but as soon as I got on the bus I became aware of a distinctly unpleasant odour emitting from the loo at the back of the bus.... 2 hours of breathing in the foul fetid air... and the bus was running late... not a good start to the evening at all... but as soon as I had escaped the nauseousness of the bus into the fresh London air (?) it got vastly better... went to S's new place and we headded off to Brixton, which was simply a short bus ride away

running late we queued for the obligatory 2 pints, the band came on and we headed into the crowd .... it was full but we managed to get pretty near the front, on the Ladies side, and as the floor is so slopey even I got to see The Raconteurs!!! The set was loud and rocking, very reminiscent of something that was happening in the 70's but with an edge of today there too.... They were good, very very good! It was lovely to be back at a gig with S, particularly Brixton which is easily my favourite gig place

Sometimes I think I am making this up!!! Tell me if you agree...

Friday, after having a Thursday night which involved far too many beers for a woman of my age!, I arrived at work to find my main task of the morning was to go to the bus station, meet a bus arriving from Bedford and help a blind Imam get to the railway station and on his train to Norwich!!! So off I went having been advised I would have no problem recognising him! So the bus arrived, I was totally in the wrong place so ran round to the bay and had no doubt that the hatted suited chap with white stick was my man! The next two hours were full of conversation...he was very pleasant if a little odd company! He liked to be known as the rhyming Imam and certainly had his favourite rhymes... such as 'never fear the Imam is here', which he threw into the conversation more times than you would have thought possible! But despite this we had a conversation about Islamophobia and Jack Straw's recent pronouncements and remarkably we agreed rather a lot. He was totally in favour of Imam's learning and speaking English, he felt that at times even he had found it difficult to communicate with a heavily veiled woman and made the point that it was a cultural choice and not actually a religious requirement......

The afternoon found me in the Old Schools



having a glass or two of wine at someone's leaving do...

Saturday I got up reasonably early and cycled into town, to the museum of Arch and Anth to go to a drawing workshop...didn't really know what to expect but got there in a hurry to find about 20 people in a side room having coffee and biscuits... it was all very friendly... the guy who was leading the workshop explained what was happening... they had covered the floor in newspapers and we were free to draw all over them... we went up to the gallery initially to see what it all looked like, I so wish I'd taken my camera! The floor was liberally covered- all around the exhibits, which, seeing as it was the main room were cultural artifacts from all over the world.... I noticed the newspapers were also from all over the world... when we went in the room I was fascinated by the newspapers as the museum staff had even tried to match the exhibits with their respective newspapers! At one point I realised I was drawing over both El Mundo and the US Times... anyway we were given three felt tip pens and told to go for it! It was odd at first, I started drawing a little Maori boat and got quite carried away with the beautiful patterns... spent ages on it... it was sort of isolating, I had totally switched off from everyone else there.. but after finishing my bit I started wandering and saw other doodles, gorgeous patterns and larger creations and found the whole exercise really rather free... started having fun.... drawing a little Inuit kayak over an advert for a car and an African woman with child on her back over the careers pages of the SA Times... really enjoyed myself ... and so it seems did everyone else!

The afternoon found me in a snooker hall playing snooker with my ex and younger J... very odd... watched the England game there and sadly left disappointed as not a goal was scored! The evening went to the climbing wall which was really quiet and for the first time climbed a 25 ft wall without the aid of a rope and it didn't scare me!! Must be getting better!

So although no new dancing partner has presented himself, I have my exhibition to prepare for and would love to make my job a little more permanent.... it's all good stuff!

it's not often that any asks me if I am a Mathematics student but today it happened... new job took me to the Fresher's Fair here in Cambridge and I was amazed as I walked around as I was not the oldest person in the room and many of today's undergraduates were happy to ask me to join their societies. I was there actually to offer them money which was a pleasant little role to have!!!

Nice job, pity it's just for 4 weeks

Watched a new version of Jane Eyre on TV this week...


the good old BBC has really followed the boook really really well, some of the scenes are just right... the character playing Helen Burns was undoubtably perfect! Thought the actor that played Mr Rochester was very familiar and today realised that he was the same chappy that played the male lead in Tennant of Wildfell Hall which didn't follow the actual plot at all. Oddly the woman that played the female lead in that is also playing the evil aunt in Jane Eyre, makes me wonder ... that a guy is able to continue playing lead roles for lots longer than a woman can??? or maybe it's just me struggling with my age old ageism..... it's a bit shitty to be a massive ageist person getting old... cant happen to racists... they dont get black!!!.. more's the pity

another thing that spoils my enjoyment of Jane Eyre is Jane's massive overbite... she does at times have a distinctly Marge Simpson look about her....