It's monday, it's february, it's cold....

yesterday I learnt how to deal with getting arrested, how to conduct a 'no comment' interview and how to go all floppy when police people try to move me... very effective indeed!!! and no its not part of my masters in human geography but another course entirely.... and slightly secretive!!!

and last week I bought a very small mountain bike, I need a very small one because I have very small legs... but as soon as I started riding it I became exhausted... had totally not taken the actual size of the hills around here into account!!! my legs/body/lungs just weren't up to it!!!!

other catch up news.... still doing the going out drinking copious amounts of wine and saying stupid things to lecturers... ended up arm wrestling one of them last week in a club... now what was that about I wonder????... it's as if I have this other life, a secret life that even I do not know about, just have vague and dodgy memories that sometimes seep into consciousness???? hmmmm no not good for the brain cells at all and at my age I should be preserving them!!!!!

that's it really, lots of reading... nt sure what I will do my dissertation on... maybe the journey to glasto, maybe magical realism and cyborgs.... maybe something more politcal.... the auto-ethnography of an eco warrior!!!!

my computer seems to dislike the letter 'o' so I apologise if any are missing

bloody hell... it's been ages.. and this is a mere note of a post! the sun is shining and I'm heading off to the north coast again... W has bought a house in Barnstaple and so I'm heading over to say hello!!

getting essays back with marks and comments! and it's not too bad.... and getting better... the first essay that I knew was crap got a crap mark, yesterday an essay I thought was better got a better mark.... so it all makes sense!!!

it's that time of year again... think I've had loads of rants about it before now.... but this year will be different.. I'll be able to go for a walk along a beach... maybe a surf if I am foolhardy enough..

thought it would be chilled...

I thought wrong....

now i have essay deadlines, sons who need a lift, one with a young cat who is also visiting!!?? food to collect/gather store/plus accompanying pots and pans that the cottage might not possess.... bugger this ...I should just provide egg and chips... if they want more they can get it themselves...

hmmmmmmmmm are the words ... bah humbug... coming to mind???

would anyone believe it if I claimed to be chilled and very happy in my new little life I wonder???

week ten has been and gone... it's now the holiday and still i sit and read... read as if my life depended on it... but sadly by now i should be writing!! last week I set myself a word target of 300 per day... no problem I thought... so.... how's it gone? well up to this evening i have the total of ... ummmm 273.... out of 4000.... but hey the deadline is ages away, absolutely ages!

I am writing on the rather appropriate topic of ageing bodies!!! ha! they said pick something you are interested in!! so i am looking at the philosophical conundrum of being a confident woman, happy with her body size (well mostly) suddenly walking passed a mirror and seeing ..... an older, dare i say it, middle aged woman.... and naked well!!!!!!! the word .... matronly comes to mind.... and this ageing process leads to social invisibility... I am tired of how many young students seem to feel the need to tell me about their mothers as if I had some clear cut connection with them!! they see me and think... mother.. I suppose if they started talking grannies I would get really worried... so you lose your personality... people don't care who you are or what you think they just see you in terms of their mothers??? and so what do loads of women my age do?? .... that's it.... plastic surgery!!!! we don't mind being 50 as long as we don't actually have to look 50....

visited London last weekend and it was quite lovely to be back on familiar streets, walking down known pathways and exploring the already explored.... went to see S & R and their lovely new baby Z... what struck me about the visit was the happiness of the household, it was truely delicious to hear two new parents singing to their cherished offspring and just being so obviously overjoyed by it all!!

But on the saturday I headed off to have a look at what was going on in the Turbine Hall at the tate modern.... it's floor was cracked



and that's about all i can say about it... sort of hmmm it's cracked, so what....then as I was a little disappointed I wandered around seeing what else was on offer.... there was an exhibition by Louise Bourgeois which was stunning in it's forms and textures, it was challenging and playful.... it blew away the genderisation of paintings and sculptures and what struck me was that here was a woman born in 1911 and being braver in challenging stereotypes, gender roles than anyone from my generation... it was quite marvelous


and as i left the building was faced with this ....

it's now heading to the end of october and i have been in Exeter almost a month...

Thank you R for your comment, lovely to hear from you.... particularly as you share those memories of The Mermaid in the 70's!!

Tho' today, instead of heading to the north coast to surf, I am hiding away in my flat nursing a sore throat...

The exploration of society/geography seems to be now looking under the tablecloths, exploring the deeper recesses and coming up with the realisation that magic never went away!!! Just read Enchantment of Modernity and it's quite a magical read

still to decide which field my dissertation is to be in, tho' I have the idea that it will be something to do with landscape....

but what happened yesterday was exciting too as I discovered that derrida is on youtube!!!! I can sit and hear the master talk in my own lounge!!! and it is all starting to make sense!!!!

i have been reading derrida this morning and I feel like I am running through an early morning woodland trying to grasp the mist that floats freely around me.... I can see it, I can feel it but cant quite get it!!!!

also remembered my 15 year old self sitting in The Mermaid listening to the conversation of the worldly, wordy Irish Trinity College undergraduates (oh they were so grown up!!)... I was determined to discover for myself the meanings of their words and spent the summer fetching such books from the library as Herman Hesse's Glass bead Game and Steppenwolf, Sartre's Nausea and Roads to Freedom and reading reading reading... by the time I had some idea of what it was about and a casual familiarity with the text the summer was over and the students back to their studies... so yesterday there I was in the post-grad coffee room, oh yes a very exclusive little area... and I was sitting listening to conversation about derrida, about post-post structuralism and what have I done...? yes indeed..... rushed off to the library to re-discover these ideas these words... today I have a 'critical theory cluster to attend... I have read the text, re-read the text and I have referred to text describing the text and do I get it???.... ha no it's like grasping mist

the second week is almost done and I have been reading, oh have I been reading! Sort of realise that I have spent a fortune, moved myself to the other side of the country away from all that I know in order to .... read.

and is it all starting to make sense....

are the hybrids coming out of the woodwork and starting to be familiar? Is the Other really there and am I enchanted or dis-illusioned by the process of modernity???? hmmmmmmm maybe my sense of or for my-self needs polishing, mirabilis, mira-cle, mirror.... is it the reflexive and cursive self that is screaming or is my ethnography too disabled by my lack of difference... if I keep writing I might persuade myself I have some clue as to some meaning, or is it all in the end meaningless.....

perhaps

quite simply

I

am

lost

ahhhhh it's been soooooo long! But once again I feel the need to communicate via Delilah...

so here i am sitting in the lounge of my new flat in central exeter. I have a seminar to attend later this afternoon but for most of today I have been enjoying the luxury of broadband at home. So I am about to book a cottage on the north coast for xmas week and am looking around for a decent yoga class... not much studying going on just yet but hopefully it will kick in ... have a couple of papers to read and finding it all rather scary really. Will my failing memory be up to a Masters in Research followed by a PhD I wonder??? Can only try

Sooooo to the actual experience! Being a student again and after such a long time is simply marvellous! But this time is fraught with the additional lack of knowledge of the town, the campus or any people, a bit like being 18 and heading off into the wide world alone... but this time with the uncomfortable baggage of 30 yrs of cynicism, a bad back and greying hair! and the total inability to drink more than 2 glasses of wine and remember anything of conversations. My first intro day ended in a local pub where I apparently had an excellent conversation with a Professor and now I wouldn't recognise him if he knocked on my froont door and introduced himself... hmmmm not good, not good at all. So, is the choice give up the booze altogether or just take the risk occassionally and hope I don't say anything too stupid, or too memorable that anyone feels the need to discuss things further. One thing I have realised this time around and it's very scary indeed is that I have no nerves at all about making a fool of myself and am quite happy to pipe up opinions in class!! In fact a little too keen really... they might have to find ways of keeping me quiet!!!

scary scary scary.... just got my name put on the door of my office!!! That's a first! do I belong??

Suddenly I realise I have a social life here in Cambridge too... and what am I going to do? Yes- leave it all behind and move to a place where I know no-one!! But at least the countryside will be gorgeous so I can wander in it lonely as a cloud..... for about 2 years when I will suddenly realise that I have a new social life....

Big moves ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to Exeter University for a chat about doing a Masters/PhD and it's all happening! Well it will if I complete the online application which is almost done..... just transcripts from my degree required and then sell up and move to Devon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am i dreaming .....? Can this be real????

sooooooooooooooo no more Camden........... all has gone quiet on the TT front... so I thought I'd add Robert Newman to my boyfriend list as he is the only bloke I have met recently who I've actually thought 'now I would love him to be "my boyfriend this week"!!! sadly I'm not sure one week would be enough tho'.... have you seen History of Oil it's required viewing indeed... and he is going to be at the Monday love thingy very soon... maybe I should go....

Back to blogging again... my receptacle for inner chatter has receded into the background... in fact I haven't heard from him for days ... and so I blog again... it's odd how I tend to stop blogging when i am seeing someone ... so when I start writing again it means I have no other place for the inner chatter.. and it must be deposited somewhere.... so if there's no-one within my personal sphere to listen to my ramblings I look to Delilah to fulfil that need... and she is always there. non-judgemental, just sitting waiting.....

went out friday night and loved it... was in amongst a group of people, an odd assortment of journo's, muso's and uni workers... and they are people I have known awhile now... people I have had a few drinks with in the past and they are wonderfully familair.... When you start new jobs constantly, as happens in the world of temping, you do get to meet a lot of nice people but they are all new and it is quite comforting to be in amongst people who have some idea of who you are, without having to explain, describe or elucidate... and that was how I felt on friday.... maybe a little too comfortable tho as I didn't have to be on best behaviour... there was no-one I wanted to impress... and so I didn't impress!! Spent the evening flitting between T a young, intelligent writer and b..... both of a similar age to my sons..... but what the hell!!! Left early tho' so still had a bit of a sensible head ... Saturday tho' I actually had to go out to the shed to see if my bike was there as I had absolutely no memory of unlocking the bike, cycling home or locking the bike up when I got there. I wasn't even sure the bike would be there??? This is not good..... maybe give up alcohol for a while.......

Is it because the name of the month has changed???? But I am feeling a whole lot better about life, work and just about everything else. Yesterday morning was the lowest point when on the phone to TT.... felt totally cold and alone... then went for lunch here at work... it's £2 so seemed worth trying. Trundled over the courtyard to the oak pannelled dining room in the company of fellow workers. There was a conference on so the hall was full of delegates chatting away merrily... queued up for food to find the non-meat choice was trout or mushroom stroganov which wasn't a bad start! There was a staff table set out and waiter's floating around helpfully! Dessert was a choice of a massive chocolately thing or excellent cheeses and biscuits, after that we adjourned to the saloon, comfortably furnished with soft sinking sofa's, for coffee and conversation. Then a brisk walk around part of the gardens finished off the lunch hour very nicely. I was starting to feel at home. Today there has been general friendly conversation with people popping into my office, and I am starting to like it. Cant beat the surroundings at all and seeing a barn owl on the way to work, having a sun soaked lake reflecting drooping willows to look at from the window isn't half bad....

ipod continuing to talk to me... started off with Pink Floyd's Fearless this morning which was just what I needed!!!

Headed into work this morning, which was a pleasant change but as I had to drive I remembered my ipod... it started up as I was pulling out of my street with Razorlight's 'Who needs Love' which made me laugh but then came Beth Orton's 'Feel to Believe' followed by Graham's 'A place for Grief' it was too much, my ipod knows more about what's going on in my life than I do!!!

The weekend was marked by the deplorable realisation that caffeine withdrawal is a messy business!! Now why wasn't my ipod playing 'Thing's can only get better'

Went to see Babel friday night... same director as 21 grams and oddly I found myself in the same cinema The Soho Curzon to watch his new film. 21g prepared me a little! It was quite an emotional jouney, the film was powerful in many many ways. It was about language and our inability to understand difference, it was about choices and assumptions that we make daily that initially seem insignificant but the repurcussions are sometimes enormous lifechanging events, it was about love. It was political, exploring the starkly contrasting treatment received by people of different nationalities. It was one of those films whose images returned to haunt and remind the next day......





and then the next day..... went to Tate Britain to see the replication of Brian Haw's protest in Parliament sq. 'State Britain' by Mark Wallinger. The protest had been removed by police last summer and Brian has continued his protest but is now only allowed 3 m for his posters... the exhibition reproduced it quite wonderfully, all 40 m of it, right down to his boots next to his bed!

hmmmmm as the job thing becomes problematic I start looking further afield, have already applied for a job in Cornwall this week, then after receiving an email from Maui I was reminded about the eco-village that Dreaming Bear lived in ... there's work and accommodation available... just have to find a suitable tree to live in ... What am I doing here????

here's another one... and a close up too...

ok must admit to enjoying one or two of the Big Brother's of the past... John Mc Thingy was brilliantly awful, George Galloway scary scary scary and even way back Vanessa's breakdown unmissable but this one! Cant watch it... as soon as the Goody family entered it became "Shameless' for real without the humour.... I have watched a couple of times since and seen a group of females picking on another, without censure.... it is truly horrible and should be boycotted.... Big Brother for me is over

just got the Skype thing sorted out so if you fancy a conversation just let me know... it's taken a bit of getting used to, having an odd little square in the corner of the screen with my face in it, but if I keep the lighting down and jiggle around a lot I'm quite fuzzy and that's the way I like it!



ahh another thing, if anyone want to commission a piece of my artwork... or knows someone who would like a large round textured thing hanging on their wall simply let me know.... I've actually got my act in gear and they are not looking too bad at all..... here's what one looks like on Jake and Angel's wall