hmmmmm getting a little confusing with my posts i think

still talking to TT so that's good.... who knows what will happen there but as it is, it is very pleasant for the moment....

but work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just don't know what to do other than god forbid actually go and sign on !!! shudder at the thought of it... but i have no more money coming in

so if anyone out there knows of any projects that need expert help or maybe a garden that needs care???? ummm a child that needs looking after... or climbing lessons???? just let me know................

odd very odd... just when i think something interesting is starting... it finishes... trying to avoid the almost overwhelming disappointment.... by not thinking about it....

still no work either.... was it something i said? should I be taking this personally I wonder, it must have been something i did????

and so I am trying to be creative, to produce artwork that I have no interest in as someone expressed interest in buying a piece..... feel a little stuck at the moment.... very very stuck in actual fact

what to do next?

So it's all over! The week has been interesting! Life could get very interesting indeed! Went to meet TT again and it was rather lovely!.... now tho' back at home, and trying to find work, it all seems a bit unreal... parties in Camden, good conversation, healthy organic food, sleeping late...

There was one lovely moment amongst the many that made me laugh... the party was full of media types and some very interesting people... one of them was Rob newman who looked across at me and nodded a very friendly hello. I was sure he recognised me and was puzzling out where we might have met... didn't want to say it was recently when I got him to sign his book after one of his gigs!!! But anyway the party oddly reminded me a bit of being in Maui... there was an agelessness about it all and some very dynamic people, lots of political and environmental debate and lots of creatively musical people, not the sort of gathering you get in Cambridge at all!!!

Christmas has been survivied! In fact it all went quite pleasantly! Got the turkey in by 9.00am suitably basted and adorned with spices and peppers... haven't done this turkey cooking thing too often and do remember one year actually cooking the giblets, in their plastic bag, so had a good look in the vast cavity to ensure that there was no sign of plastic. All that was in there was what was possibly the neck??? So removed that, washed the beast poured a suitable mix of salt pepper garlic and lemon over the skin and carefully placed it in the hot oven... every half an hour or so I removed it to baste further and on one of those times noticed something in the neck area...yes I'm afraid to say it was the bag of giblets!!!!!!!!!! Hastily removed them and just hoped the flavour of plastic had not had long enough to infuse the whole bird! Bad enough doing this once but ............ a second time! At least I discovered my mistake before my family arrived and sat around the beast waiting for their slices....
won a minor battle with my father over smoking and he joined the others on the balcony for his cigarettes, whilst muttering under his breath how I should be more adaptable and how it would be the death of him... hmmmm haven't heard from them since.... hope he is ok... don't want to live with anymore guilt than I already have
So we ate, my father fell asleep, we drank, we talked, they left, we heaved a massive sigh of relief..... all done for another year

and now it's my birthday!! and I'm heading into London to meet TT! Think he's cooking me dinner?? but this is early early days, though we have spoken everyday since we met and it all seems rather lovely so far.............

I have just updated my blogger stuff and now will see just what the differences are, if any????

Don't forget tomorrow night!!!

just came across the most wonderfully titled 'Society to Assist Ladies in Reduced Circumstances' Wow isn't it amazing that such a society could exist in this day and age... how wonderful! What a lovely little safety net! must remember it when times get tough! Though I do wonder what defines a 'lady' is it how you make the tea, or whether you can sit cross-legged for hours without your foot falling off.... maybe I'll have to start practising!!

oh what a difference a weekend makes!!

Money is always an issue, particularly at this time of year. I always have this idea that I'm going to concentrate on non-material stuff but you just cant get away from buying presents for people you care about, and how lovely it is to do just that. It is nice to have a tree-full of decorations with packages wrapped in gorgeous paper, ribbons and bows, nestling in sparkly glory underneath. And the food.... nibbly stuff, big filling meals, on tables adorned with christmassy candles and holly sprigs.. oh yes underneath the atheist vegetarian exterior there lurks in me a yuletide monster... just waiting ....

but not this year... I am penniless ... my penury goes beyond pennilessness this year... and then I received an email this morning about bank charges. It has given me a little ray of hope on this vast gloom that is the December fug....I will write a letter to my bank forthwith stating how much they have illegally removed from my bank account over the last six years.... will let you know what happens....

sometimes I wonder about certain events... did they really happen???

yesterday was the work Christmas lunch/away day event.... a simple idea.. take the team off get someone in, have lunch, do more stuff together as a team in the afternoon and then head home...Christmas parties often turn in to rowdy drunken affairs ... that would have been so vastly preferable.... it was a spectacle tho'

I nearly didn't go, as I didn't get the job here I am leaving in a couple of weeks and I wasn't sure I could face it... read the agenda and all it had was a name of the trainer, so I googled her.... the day was to be an exploration of one's inner clown!!! Thought it might be too difficult as I am still upset and I didn't really want to put myself in a position where I would feel vulnerable. But woke up Wednesday morning with a changed heart, did up my Secret Santa pressie and headed off. The bus ride was uneventful and we arrived at a little hotel in woodland.

It started off with a very small woman with a very big laugh talking about sacred clowning. This was not to be a day of learning juggling and uni-cycling but it started off fairly innocuously with standing in a circle and each in turn walking to the centre of the circle and saying their name with an appropriate action. Even at this point some people were having problems. Some just really don't like being the centre of attention in such a focused way... anyway the morning progressed with some trust games, Grandmother's footsteps, a bit of skipping around expressing emotions sort of stuff, then we had lunch, then we did a bit more group stuff but it got very intimate... we had to 'connect' with each other by lying on the ground with your head on someone's stomach and someone else's head on yours! We all got a bit giggly at this stage.... but the strangeness really started happening with the introduction of the red noses... we were told these were a mask to our inner selves, nothing remotely to do with comic relief but an ancient form of healing, we had to 'explore' our noses, come to know them before we put them on, to feel the nose and become one with the nose... it was difficult to suppress the inner giggles when you looked around the room and saw your boss, a highly regarded colleague, wearing his nose with pride, but then he started exploring his nose further than I felt comfortable with, he placed one inside his mouth and dribbled rather a lot, looked more gormless than I would have guessed possible and listed, with glazed eyes. Others at this time were starting to explore the treasure chest of a fancy dress box! Further colleagues donned blond wigs, glitter bra's and pink hats, and this was just the blokes... It was all very free form by now there was no structure, no agenda... and it was here that some reverted to the kindergarten.... the Office manager had a wrestling match with the editor of the newsletter and they were both seriously in earnest! Deadly earnest! The boss took his exploration further and dressed in loo paper, an uninflated toy duck on his head, and a posy of silk flowers, he was now partnered by the deputy head and they became a team of performance actors in some strange frozen pastiche of a couple...... there was a further group who sat at the back of the hall and became quite aggressive about the day... I was mixed... but I have never experienced anything quite so surreal as the afternoon progressed. It grew dark, people were tired, and it was very very weird....

What Is Your Daemon?

CAT - your daemon may be a cat if you are independent and comfort loving. You follow your heart and do what you want to do - no matter what others think. You have a strong sense of your own worth, and an inner dignity. You may be loving and generous in one moment, and then lash out at someone in the next. You have as many moods as there are colours in a rainbow, and you wear them all brilliantly. You always know what you want right now - although in five minutes you may change your mind and set your sights elsewhere. You like to do things with style and flair. When someone else orders you to do something, do you feel an unholy urge to do exactly the opposite? That just might be your inner daemon talking.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

It isn't really getting any better... so I have started looking at useless stuff whilst at work... here's one purloined from Rose

Your Birthdate: December 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

and all so scarily true!... fear of failure has been at the forefront this week as I didn't get the job I'm working in, which is really really crap and now have a leaving date of the 22nd so wont get paid for Xmas or my birthday as I cant work that week!! Crap Crap Crap indeed..... struggling a bit with is all!!!! What is the point?

the day got worse... almost didn't go to London as I was feeling rather negative but thought it would cheer me up a bit, and it did. Had a very pleasant drink in the Barleymow on Curtain Road and an excellent meal in Brick Lane, maybe I was a little too relaxed as I ambled to Liverpool St as I missed the last train but undaunted I jumped on the tube to get to King's Cross thinking I had loads of time... of course that was without the inordinate wait in a tunnel somewhere under Old Street... got to King's Cross only to see an empty platform! really couldn't face a 4 and a half hour wait at King's x so caught the train to Peterborough and dozed the journey arriving there sometime after two thirty... slept on Jake's sofa and returned to Cambridge feeling very tired... went to get the bike and all that was left was my lock, unlocked. My beautiful little Giant was gone........ feel very very .....bereft....

Everything seemed to go wrong this morning! woke ridiculously early as Josh's alarm starts sounding at 5.30... it wakes me not him, it continues until I get up to remind him it is morning ... I usually offer to give him a lift to work, he has to be there at 7.30 so at 7.15 he emerges complaining that he is tired, and yet he has been sleeping for the previous two hours!!!!!!!!!! (you can tell cant you that I am getting a little fed up with this particular morning routine)

this morning all went as usual and I returned home, got out of my car and walked towards my flat only to realise at that point that I had no keys. Last night the ex was round, he is collecting a sofa I have purchased from ebay this morning and so I gave him my keys so he could simply drop the sofa in in the daytime.... so there I was semi-pyjama'd hair tied in last nights scrunchy, unable to get in... so had to drive back into town, park the car and walk across the backs, into Queens College, walking all around in search of Josh, luckily I found him before he climbed on to the roof, where he has been working recently!!!!

Got to work late only to receive an email from sofa people that there would be no-one in as their son had to go to hospital... so had to phone Jake and his dad to say sofa collection was off, god knows when this sofa will actually arrive!!! ... all before 9.00 this morning! Now at work and totally unable to concentrate... and that has nothing to do with meeting an old flame this evening in my old haunt The Foundry.....

had another ridiculous guardian soulmates date on Saturday.... oh and yes by now I should have learned... I should know better!!!

the chappie involved lives in Exeter and despite his absolute adoration of jazz (I utterly hate it) for some reason I thought I might be able to put such massive differences aside .... and so I thought Avebury would be a good half way point to meet... haven't been there in a while and I do love the place so I reasoned that I could cope with an afternoon there even if the date was none too exciting!! Am I cracking up or what, I totally went into this totally not expecting to like the bloke... and guess what........ the date was not noted for the flying sparks!!! It was quiet and sort of muted... I chatted away inanely of course, I can do the verbal diarrhea thing with ease but it was sort of non-consequential stuff... I felt uninvolved... the stones were beautiful the sky a gorgeous blue the sun was beating down, the site is magical... perfect setting heh!!!

and I drove for 5 and a half hours! for a pleasant cup of coffee????????? no hope really.... the 2and a half hour drive back tho' was splendid as I dove passed nearly every town's firework display... catching glimpses of exploding colour all the way home

rushed out of work yesterday to catch a bus to London, it seemed a better (cheaper) thing to do than catch th etrain but as soon as I got on the bus I became aware of a distinctly unpleasant odour emitting from the loo at the back of the bus.... 2 hours of breathing in the foul fetid air... and the bus was running late... not a good start to the evening at all... but as soon as I had escaped the nauseousness of the bus into the fresh London air (?) it got vastly better... went to S's new place and we headded off to Brixton, which was simply a short bus ride away

running late we queued for the obligatory 2 pints, the band came on and we headed into the crowd .... it was full but we managed to get pretty near the front, on the Ladies side, and as the floor is so slopey even I got to see The Raconteurs!!! The set was loud and rocking, very reminiscent of something that was happening in the 70's but with an edge of today there too.... They were good, very very good! It was lovely to be back at a gig with S, particularly Brixton which is easily my favourite gig place

Sometimes I think I am making this up!!! Tell me if you agree...

Friday, after having a Thursday night which involved far too many beers for a woman of my age!, I arrived at work to find my main task of the morning was to go to the bus station, meet a bus arriving from Bedford and help a blind Imam get to the railway station and on his train to Norwich!!! So off I went having been advised I would have no problem recognising him! So the bus arrived, I was totally in the wrong place so ran round to the bay and had no doubt that the hatted suited chap with white stick was my man! The next two hours were full of conversation...he was very pleasant if a little odd company! He liked to be known as the rhyming Imam and certainly had his favourite rhymes... such as 'never fear the Imam is here', which he threw into the conversation more times than you would have thought possible! But despite this we had a conversation about Islamophobia and Jack Straw's recent pronouncements and remarkably we agreed rather a lot. He was totally in favour of Imam's learning and speaking English, he felt that at times even he had found it difficult to communicate with a heavily veiled woman and made the point that it was a cultural choice and not actually a religious requirement......

The afternoon found me in the Old Schools



having a glass or two of wine at someone's leaving do...

Saturday I got up reasonably early and cycled into town, to the museum of Arch and Anth to go to a drawing workshop...didn't really know what to expect but got there in a hurry to find about 20 people in a side room having coffee and biscuits... it was all very friendly... the guy who was leading the workshop explained what was happening... they had covered the floor in newspapers and we were free to draw all over them... we went up to the gallery initially to see what it all looked like, I so wish I'd taken my camera! The floor was liberally covered- all around the exhibits, which, seeing as it was the main room were cultural artifacts from all over the world.... I noticed the newspapers were also from all over the world... when we went in the room I was fascinated by the newspapers as the museum staff had even tried to match the exhibits with their respective newspapers! At one point I realised I was drawing over both El Mundo and the US Times... anyway we were given three felt tip pens and told to go for it! It was odd at first, I started drawing a little Maori boat and got quite carried away with the beautiful patterns... spent ages on it... it was sort of isolating, I had totally switched off from everyone else there.. but after finishing my bit I started wandering and saw other doodles, gorgeous patterns and larger creations and found the whole exercise really rather free... started having fun.... drawing a little Inuit kayak over an advert for a car and an African woman with child on her back over the careers pages of the SA Times... really enjoyed myself ... and so it seems did everyone else!

The afternoon found me in a snooker hall playing snooker with my ex and younger J... very odd... watched the England game there and sadly left disappointed as not a goal was scored! The evening went to the climbing wall which was really quiet and for the first time climbed a 25 ft wall without the aid of a rope and it didn't scare me!! Must be getting better!

So although no new dancing partner has presented himself, I have my exhibition to prepare for and would love to make my job a little more permanent.... it's all good stuff!

it's not often that any asks me if I am a Mathematics student but today it happened... new job took me to the Fresher's Fair here in Cambridge and I was amazed as I walked around as I was not the oldest person in the room and many of today's undergraduates were happy to ask me to join their societies. I was there actually to offer them money which was a pleasant little role to have!!!

Nice job, pity it's just for 4 weeks

Watched a new version of Jane Eyre on TV this week...


the good old BBC has really followed the boook really really well, some of the scenes are just right... the character playing Helen Burns was undoubtably perfect! Thought the actor that played Mr Rochester was very familiar and today realised that he was the same chappy that played the male lead in Tennant of Wildfell Hall which didn't follow the actual plot at all. Oddly the woman that played the female lead in that is also playing the evil aunt in Jane Eyre, makes me wonder ... that a guy is able to continue playing lead roles for lots longer than a woman can??? or maybe it's just me struggling with my age old ageism..... it's a bit shitty to be a massive ageist person getting old... cant happen to racists... they dont get black!!!.. more's the pity

another thing that spoils my enjoyment of Jane Eyre is Jane's massive overbite... she does at times have a distinctly Marge Simpson look about her....

Another day, another new job... at least it's sort of how life feels at the moment! Actually got headhunted, or should I say temp hunted last week. Had an email from someone I worked with in the press office last year. They are now working for a different but connected dept and she wondered if I wanted to help out for the next four weeks. There was no reason no to jump at the chance. I had become a little tired of working solely on one project and this job is all over the place. There's events to organise, meetings to go to and yesterday I even found myself trying to secure unpaid work experience for a few local ex-homeless ex drug addicts ! Much more interesting indeed

The other weekend I had a moment of pure jealousy and it was not pleasant at all! Bit of a shock really... S had sent a text on the saturday night that I didn't actually see until sunday lunchtime.... and it made me turn completely green... S was at the Scissor sister gig in Trafalgar sq and I sooooo wanted to be there... it's a few years since we first saw the sisters and they were always an enjoyable gig. Think my favourite was the dance tent at Glastonbury! That was amazing and as I had managed t osqueeze my way right to the front it felt a very personal little show!! In fact that's what they have always felt like, somehow the sisters have made it feel like an intimate little gathering and you were a special part of it regardless of how many people are actually in the audience... so I was jealous and there was nothing I could do but get over it...

Went surfing in Newquay last week...



well I say surfing but............. it just didn't quite happen. Arrived wednesday all excited, the waves looked enormous and fairly choppy but standing at the top of Fistral beach they never look too big until.... got up thursday morning donned the rash vest wetsuit outfit that I had not needed in Hawaii and selecting a different board to try out ( a mini mal Bic 6'10) did my excited trot wavewards... the water was cold but not breathtakingly so and it was so clear it was stunningly beautiful. I stood for a moment looking out feel calm and excited at the same time. There was a slight problem in that there was no discernible channel to use to swim out as the waves were breaking all over the place but I walked and jumped through the baby stuff, jumped on my board and started paddling. Then hit brick wall after brick wall, at one point I didn't know whether I was up or down, swimming or simply drowning. Wave after wave pounded me. I tried walking holding the tip of my board but got bashed to pieces, I tried a dive through the waves but got upended and swatted unmercifully. My arms very soon became like dead weights and utterly useless so I retreated to the waters edge and watched others, whilst actually gasping for air.... I wasn't the only one having the same problems but I've never been a particularly strong swimmer and I knew that my arms were actually knackered... so that was it for the first day......... I couldn't even get out to try the board or see if I could still do the standing up thing.

next morning the air was still. It was beautifully warm, there was clear blue sky and it had a balmy summer's day sort of feel.... trouble is that presaged something I didn't even want to consider a possibility... drove down to fistral and stood watching the water...yes it was water.. there were no waves at all, barely a discernible ripple! Had to stand with the surfer's chill and accept it was not to be... so decided that friday night had to be hitting the town night and had a marvellous bop in a place called the Walkabout... felt recognisably female and got chatted up and danced with and one little chap even asked for the slow dance thingy at the end of the night... I had felt I was in my element! No longer the invisible woman at all....

Saturday no waves

Sunday long clean breaks so got on the shorter board and promptly fell off it... turns out it was much too small for me and I didn't do much more that play in the white stuff... then I got a stomach bug, haven't felt so ill since... I cant remember ever feeling so ill... spent most of the night in the camp site loos as the tent seemed like miles away!! So finally monday I had the right size board, the waves were probably the best I've ever seen in the UK.. and I was rubbish... gave up, got my camera out and took loads of pictures of sand...



it's remarkable how similar sand shaped by water is to mountains shaped by rivers... so my surfing in Newquay turned in to a bit of a non surfing trip but hey it was good to get away and it was sunny... drove non-stop home just to see if I could do it.. took 6 hours... have felt completely knackered all week since my return....

it's saturday and I'm in Cambridge, the computer is connected and I have a new job...

so once again a new start a new beginning... I wonder if I should be getting tired of it but so far I'm finding it new and exciting

the oddest realisation is that by doing this I am really putting myself first as when working at Mepal I have been pretty tired in the evenings and although I have a climbing wall at hand I just haven't felt up to using it...now I'm sitting at a desk all day I have bundles of energy left over for me! So am cycling to work, climbing with Jake on a regular basis and now looking out a yoga class and will swim a couple of times a week too... I have actually put on weight this summer too, have quite a bit of a belly so am not eating cakes, biscuits or any chocolatey stuff for a least a month.... and next week I go surfing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

watched Riding giants last night and oddly it made me want to jetski again! There's a sequence at the end with Laird Hamilton



talking about how they surfed Peahi (Jaws) and just seeing them play on the surf reminded me of how I used to love zipping around on one of those things... will have to check out somewhere next weekend maybe

it's my last day here at Mepal.... odd in that I found a job I love and I am leaving it early in the season??????????? trouble is I can see myself getting less and less enthusiastic.... it's the repetetive nature of the role really.... I feel in need of some sort of progression and however good an instuctor I am that's it.... and I want to change things, to try out my own ideas and see if other systems are better... this place is on the way out anyway... either there is a massive input very soon to update everything and move it forward, i.e. make it a caving and climbing centre with new walls, new activities...if not it is going under and I don't really want to watch that....

Went to see A Scanner Darkly last weekend... eminently watchable film, Linklater has filmed so many different films... from A school of Rock(sucky) to Before Sunset/ Before Sunrise (excellent) to Waking Life (utterly mesmerising)... that I was keen to see how this one would work out as it was using the same animating techniques of Waking life.... it worked really well, mostly, Robert Downey jr was fascinatingly brilliant (what were those pink shoes about???) and Woody Harrelson very funny (loved the mountain bike scene) although the animation neither added to their parts nor took anything away. With Keannu it was slightly different as he has always been rather woooden in his performances and somehow?? that woodenness translated into the animation?? god knows how but Keannu animated was still indescribably 2d??? maybe he is an animation in real life??? mmmm maybe it's time for me to go to bed...!

Love the weather at the moment! Spent the morning yesterday with four 11 year olds snorkeling! Actually had two solid hours in the water without getting cold, although my lips did turn blue! The lake here has miraculously clear water as the ground is mainly sand and gravel so the water is continuously filtered. It means that you can actually see whatever is swimming around... and we have some enormous carp, a shoal of about 20 rudd, a couple of pike and loads of smaller perch...and they are happy for us to swim with them... in the afternoon a large group didn't turn up and as it was so nice we simply played in the lake all afternoon. Paddled a surfski thing around most of the time, it's a large flattish floaty thing that is perfect for floating on the lake slowly pootling around, lying in the sun..... aaahhhhh!

This morning up really early and glanced out of my window to see a few rabbits hopping about, accompanied by a greenwoodpecker also hopping around with them, usually see them in the air, was odd to see it so close up.... my reactions are just not too good,I should have got my camera out!

I am a woman in love. and I am happy!

No it's not another 'dancing partner' think I've given up there......... the object of my happiness is quite simply my new ipod!



I bought it in hawaii and have been ploddingly downloading all my music on to it's itunes since and adding gradually to it's memory over the last few weeks....

and now it travels everywhere with me and the shuffle selection brings me surprises all the time. Aamzing how I just don't know my own music! and now I am adding to it by making up some playlists.. oh the pure and simple pleasure of it all.... but one thing I have noticed and time is confirming my suspicions.... i think it has a mind of it's own.... you see it seems to be able to reflect my mood! There are many times that, rather than a random selection chucked out by the shuffle thingy, it selects by moods.... it can play really loud, Nirvana, Foo fighters, Razorlight etc etc just when I am in a very loud and busy mood...othertimes the gentle jack johnson, rufus wainwright, sufjan stevens and the like get played... ??? Does it make sense?

The funniest sight tho' was when I showed my father my photo's from Maui, all now stashed on to the photo's bit, and set up to show as a slideshow... he just didn't get it... he wasn't impressed at all... don't think he realised that these were pictures I had actually taken?

Spent the weekend in the sun on the Isle of Wight at what was a little festival but has pretensions for something much bigger.... and it was good!!! The weather was utterly incredible, for the first time ever at a festival there was no rain, not only no rain but not a threat of rain, nor even barely a cloud in the sky... for the whole four days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooooooooooo new discoveries were 'Delays' and Dirty Pretty Things, though I was expecting much from DPT's I had never heard of the Delays at all...they were a bit hippydippy and definitely a summer festival sound, the lead singer had the most amazing falsetto that sounded actually more choirboy than adult man... it was good- honest!... and Carl Barat from DPT's was solidly good, Bang Bang... their new single, decidedly aimed at the demise of Pete Doherty, came across really strongly. Think they are glad to leave his antics behind and just get on with the music. Lou Reed was a bit grumpy, but then he was Lou Reed and well what do you expect. He did a quick version of 'Waiting for your man' which I rather liked.... Foo Fighters were a very professional top class sort of band, there was a lovely moment when Dave Grohl returned to the drums and Taylor Hawkins took on the vocals...didn't like The Editors at all as they just seemed Morrisey clones... Prodigy got everyone jumping, Placebo and Primal Scream both did solid sets and Coldplay did their most excellent live performance... I find it really odd that a band I never was impressed with in the slightest can be so different live... they really come to life and actually rock, and rock loud! Somehow their songs have meaning and they rock!!??I find it all rather inexplicable....??

Took time returning and sort of went via a beach in Shanklin... getting off the ferry though it would have been so easy to turn left instead of right, those signs saying "The West' were really calling out loud....

but headed back towards Cambridgeshire and am now back working at Mepal and I feel I just don't want to be here.....

Ok so here it is a picture of me riding a wave, hmmmmm yes it is small and I am studying my feet but ...............!

My role was pretty easy.. I had to drive the girls to the beach, unload the surfboards and then join in withthe surf lessons!! Tough heh! Must admit to not actually getting started with the yoga as I found I had gopher type things to do and it was better to get them done during the yoga than miss a surf lesson... we had other things of the agenda too... one afernoon a lady came to do a psychic reading!! I have never been to one of these before so I couldn't resist the tempation to sit in and see what happens. She was a forty something American lady, very pleasant and smiley and she explained that when she was channelling she would actually be 'taken over' by a member of the spirit world so would sound different... she did... she had an accent of a bombay gentleman!! which was a little disconcerting! So people started asking questions and the answers were seemingly very apt, felt the need to ask something as everyone was so I said

'I have sorted out the work thing but can you tell me about my relationships' I sort of left this open as I thought that maybe she/he would give some advice about my relationship with Josh!

A big beaming smile spread across her face and she laughed... she chuckled as she said to me ' Well I can see you have danced with many partners' !!!!!!!!!!!!!! a nice way of putting it I thought, she went on to tell me that I was going to the wrong dancing classes that it was as if I was an advanced salsa dancer looking for a partner in a beginners ballroom class, and that I should really think through the type of 'dancer' I was meeting and maybe change tactics a bit as I became disappointed quickly because I was making the wrong choices!!!!!!!!!hmmmmmmmmmm

The retreat was held on the east side of the island which was considerably warmer that the west and isn't so windy. The sun was shining most days and it had that balmy air of the tropics. Plant life was incredibly flamboyant ad I was walking round in a state of blissful amazement most of the time. In fact I don't think I have smiled so much ever before.

The women on the yoga/surf retreat were an interesting bunch of ladies to say the least and time was spent learning about their lives in a relaxed and beautiful setting. We had one of the larger cottages as HQ and we were dispersed around in a variety of cottages and hotel rooms, so you had your own space to escape to if needed. It was an ideal combination....

So spent a couple of days in Pa'ia wandering around, sitting on the beach at Baldwin, going to Mana foods which was a rather large and very friendly health food shop where all of Pa'ia seemed to come to socialise. Very soon I was starting to recognise people and everyone greeted one another with cheery Aloha's and big enveloping hugs... it was a very very warm atmosphere to be in after the chill of Cambridge

Stayrd with Me-Shell for a couple of days to help in the preparations of the retreat. Had my first driving lessons in a jeep carrying 8 surfboards! Driving for the first time ever in an automatic was excellently easy, driving for the first time everon the wrong side of the road took a little longer to get used to but after a couple of days I was able to negotiate junctions reasonably competantly! Iwas ready in time as I was the main driver and the person to collect everyone from the airport and to ferry them to the Royal Lahaina

Need to write before the trip to Maui becomes such a distant memory that the details get forgotten. This after all was one of the reasons for starting the blog way back when! I have fearful images of forgetting everything and sitting in an old and battered upright armchair in a home, dribble slowly escaping the corner of my mouth and my head empty of all the stuff of life. But stored away electronically here on Delilah are my memories... so better get writing!

Arrived exhausted and excited to be met by Me-Shell at the airport. It was a relief to see a blond haired woman carrying a placard saying Swellwoman as I was beginning to wonder just how I would cope if no-one turned up. Was being quite chilled by that point as I was already there and felt quite comfortable in finding a hostel and just chilling for three weeks. But anyway Me-Shell was there and she took me to a hostel in Pa'ia called Rainbow's End...

Back home, smiling

and there I sooooo many pictures... will have to find a suitable site to load them on.... hopefully the turtles will look as serene... the bamboo as stark ...and the flowers as flamboyant as they are here in this little place of unreality

oh my oh my so in love with the place and today is my last day.... so the agenda: having my ears done with the candle thingy stuff... you know what it's like ... you are walking around the local health food store and someone you met at a reading of Gibran's The Prophet offers to do your ears for you... how can you say no!!!!! After that I have to return my trusty surfboard, kiss it farewell and say mahalo for it's help in getting me riding the waves... then this afternoon will be spent on Baldwin Beach, my favourite beach in this area... then I'm organising dinner for my new friends and we will all go to the airport together where I will catch a flight away from this wonderful little island.... where am I going?? Is this not home? what is this place called Cambridge???? Will all the hippydippyness fall off as I ascend upwards????? Bringing home a bit of a tan and a big big smile.....

Another quick posting from Maui

All has been wonderful here I am so loving it! At the moment I am staying with a very lovely couple called Heather and Rob who have a room. The house is in Haiku which is in Upcountry Maui, an area in the mountains and forest, it has a beautiful view of the sea and bamboo growing in the garden, which is all quite amazing! Have rented a car and yesterday I drove to Kihei to meet new friends made last week on the retreat. Kihei is in the south and much warmer with hardly any rainful, so went a little pink in the sun, swam in the sea which was just across the road from the cottage they had rented and sat on their lanai (porch) and shared a little wine

and today... it is all just so good as I had tried to get tickets to see Jack Johnson last week but the festival was all sold out.. turns out though that Rob, who is a big environmentalist worker on the island has a stall and one of his volunteers has dropped out... so I get to go to the gig!!!! and will be helping doing a bit of raising awareness too!

Amazingly writing this in an internet cafe in Maui! Have time running out on me so will be utterly succinct

Magic!

Awesome!

Incredible!

Every morning I travel through Jesus Green



in Cambridge and there's a flock(?) of gulls idling around, picking worms, squwarking a bit, generally just milling about. Over the last couple of weeks these birds have changed from their winter plumage to their summer one! At first I noticed just one black head amongst them, then a couple, and this week it's all of them!! Does this mean it's now summer and I can't for the life of me think what the advantage is of having a black head in the summer and a white one in the winter... camoflage????? Sadly today though the flock were huddled together, facing the wind, hunkered down to avoid the rain!!!

Hawaii is on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh I am a happy woman xx

ha ha !!! so I made some phone calls, told people what was required and.... I'm still waiting! The original mortgage company deny that the new solicitors requested the deeds, the new solicitors insist they did... so who pays for this?? me.. I have longer to wait, another month's astronomical mortgage to pay and still an unknown completion date gets further and further in to the distance...

on a more positve note I bought a bicycle... and I love it!!! enjoying zipping along! and tonight I buy a beat up old Rover which will last hopefully at least a couple of months... so now I'm all ready to gooooooo! .......... but where???? Think it is time to make decisions, hand in my notice, do up my flat on a full time basis rather than hoping for a burst of energy at the weekends (which just isn't happening) and book at least a couple of weeks holiday somewhere warm....and then spend the summer in my little caravan in Mepal....

really looking forwad to the Isle of Wight festival as the line up includes Lou Reed.. saw him a couple of times in the 70's and he is quite a mesmerising performer...have been looking at pictures of last years festival and it looks sooooo small.. there is just the one main stage... which is great as there wont be that rushing around trying to catch acts thing that is Glastonbury... we'll be able to find a spot, spread the blankets and sit.... cool indeed... the webpage also requests that deckchairs are not taken... wouldn't that be lovely if that is taken seriously! If no-one has them then it all becomes less territoial and a lot easier to see the bands when sitting! God I am really looking forward to it already!!! Have booked the ferry and going a day early, might be able to get a day on the beach in as well!!!!

Got to get to grips with this!! Instead of sitting waiting must do! have phone calls to make people to talk to to make it happen... no sitting trembling, waiting....

It's all happening and it's not happening... a weird little waiting time.... and I'm sitting in a public library with streaming cold ....there's snow outside....

waiting for some sort of decision about what is happening in Mexico/San Fransisco? still no flights booked, no decision made, no idea what is happening

remortgage is supposedly happening but I'm in limbo at the moment, scared to imagine it really will happen, terrified it wont... it will be like my last 10 christmases all come at once if it does... have soooooo much i now feel the need to buy and it's not little stuff! have been looking at digital camera's... very excited by the Olympus SP 350!!!! ipods are jumping out at me from everywhere and I saw a cute little mountain bike (a little Giant, no less!) yesterday that looks perfect!! Dare not breath in case none of this actually happens... feel like I'm about 5 and trying to be good in case Father Christmas is real and true and he really will bring me all I want/need/desire but only if I am good and I'm not sure I know how to be!!!

Got Graham Coxon's new CD last night... love it already... and the interview!!!! He still is so that 6 year old, who's a bit embarrassed by it all, but it's almost like he's accepted who he is now and ummmmm almost happy with it?? Anyway great CD! the music has that raw edge of something new and exciting and am looking forward to seeing him live on the 30th.

had a go at the Guardian netjetters competition yesterday... interesting as it is looking for two new people for 2006 who fit into either a green category or a grey one.. I feel I am perfect for both! which probably meant my entry has fallen in the gap between them both!

Amazing weekend!

Went into town after work on friday and met up with S & R in Villandry where we had beer and good conversation.. headed into camden to the Barfly to see the morning after girls. Nice to be back in a crowded venue spilling my beer when squeezing my way to the front, I'm too short to see anything unless I'm in the front row, but my beer doesn't often survive the trip... musically the band were fine, very velvets, but hey I like the velvets! they didn't quite have ummmmmm that 'it' factor.... can see them doing alright but there was no real spark... not for me anyway... just enjoyed the atmosphere

on saturday headed to Olympia to the One Life exhibition... wasn't sure what to expect but Mahesh, Rohan and Anna had been heroes... our stall was the complete low key, low level, eco-stall... it truely reflected the ideas and aims of Down 2 Earth, Carla would have been proud to see it... there were 'competitors' there with big glossy stands, highly laminated and very very corporate looking... the d2e stall was cosy, with floor cushions, a little field (grass begged from the Innocent smoothie stall) and miniture tepee's and ivy strewn around... really sweet! Our leaflets were printed on home computers and on recycled paper and the approach found it's own individual niche... which was appreciated by many... I was utterly blown over by the number of people who are willing to give their time, effort and money into conservation projects like those that Carla has set in motion... all quite inspiring really and empowering

so I am going to Mexico... feel confident that we will get the appropriate numbers of volunteers... all very very very very exciting indeed!

Met some fascinating people too, from Francis Firebrace to a kitesurfer from the Dominican Republic to Sondra a french dancer with her son Attica... it was all a bit of a mini festival without the music, although Rohan, who makes Tepees and yurts had brought a selection of Irish whistles and flutes along.... a group of us headed off after packing up on the sunday evening to a Persian restaurant to share dips and wine... by that time we had been joined by Mahesh's friend who had just been to the Big Brother audition and had been asked to return for a further audition on Wednesday.. if a blond palm reader ends up in the house let me know!


a great weekend indeed!!

all up in the air!! god knows where I'm going or when, though Mexico looks less likely and California seems to be the most likely ???? So this company (D2E)is having ummmm teething problems to say the least... I have remortgaged my flat, a move i wouldn't ever have got round to if Mexico hadn't been a possibility... and so now it looks like Mexico is off and I want to go somewhere!!! it looks more like I'm going away for a holiday than work and I might be able now to afford a month away???

Options are; fly to San Fransisco meet up with C and go with her to Hawaii, back to San F and then home... this seems a cheaper option than flying straight to Hawaii and back again (£200 less!!!??) or a two week surfing holiday with Will in Morrocco, which maybe I can combine with a visit to my sister in Malta... and Mexico?? god knows... it all went wrong a couple of weeks ago with a personality clash or two between the chappie who owns the land in Mexico and people runnig D2E, then this clash spread between people within D2E... and I have just had to stand back and watch the proceedings, thank god I didn't book my flight to San Luis Potosi in Mexico and as my attempts at learning Spanish sort of ended with 'I do not eat my donkey' I don't need to worry about learning any more inconsequential chatter...

and last friday I had stitches removed from my finger and then spent the next 24 hours terrified that it was all going to open up again... finger still swollen and pretty useless...told not to put any pressure on it for at least 6 weeks!! and at the moment there is no way I'm putting pressure on it as it hurts too much! So maybe it's a good job I'm not climbing trees in 2 weeks time?? Though still reckon I could manage it... but sadly rocks and crags are completely out of the question!

Had an interesting week at Mepal! Went there to climb and do some field archery as well as work there with a group for the week. So I arrived in a ball of smoke as my car had broken down and died and then still on the same day managed to so badly injure my hand that I needed stitches! So wasn't able to climb a thing or shoot one arrow!!!! But still loved the place and the job and am really looking forward to being back there later on this year....

anyone else aiming to go to the Isle of Wight Festival?? Will buy tickets as soon as possible, hopefully will have the money before they sell out!

C has sent some advertising leaflets for Down2earth International the company that I will be working for in Mexico

weekend was interesting! Greenpeace action was fun if a little cold and people were really keen to get involved which was excellent... but sometimes I'm just not too good at getting involved my self..... felt a little aloof, disassociated, apart... its odd when a group dynamic changes.. C has left already for the States and heading to Mexico soon.. R & D just dont turn up for group events any more and so new people have sort of joined in and the dynamic changes, it's different....and I somehow didn't feel part of the change... feeling quite solitary at the moment... happy to be at home in my flat on my own...don't need other company, don't particularly want it, maybe just haven't quite come out of winter's hibernation yet!! so the social whirl can wait a bit ....

excellent article in yesterday's Guardian by Rob Newman... he states that capitalism and sorting out the environment just wont work together... an idea I have propounded a number of times whilst imbibing alcohol late into the night... but he puts it so much better than I could... to put it simply he says that capitalism is all about increasing profits and ever-expanding markets and in a finite world this just isn't possible ... there will come a time, and it's just about there when we will have to adjust our lifestyles to live within boundaries... that carbon neutral behaviour is not some fanciful ideal but a necessity... and what did I buy yesterday whilst ambling around Sainsbury's... strawberries and raspberries! In February!!!!! hmmmm I think I have to re-think... maybe the theme of 2006 is to live within my limits... I have made vast in-roads to sort out my finances with the view of actually paying bills and living within my means... and now I need to look at my impact on the world... can I justify the flight to mexico by the fact I will be working on a project to protect an ancient rainforest??...yes think I can... but will have to look at sources for doing up my flat and make sure it is all kosher! anyway an excellent article!!

Interesting article on The BBC news webpages about some research that shows that the human skull has changed quite significantly and quite remarkably obver the last 500 years.... and if you wander around Cambridge you can see loads upon loads of examples of the 'new headshape'.... you know how the stereotypical image of a scientist always possesses an enormously domed forehead...you know the one... ok this is known as the 'cranial vault height' which is the distance between the eyes and the top of the head.... this height has increased somewhere in the order of 20% since Medieval times... and the researcher suggests the increase in size may be due to an increase in mental capacity over the ages.... and one can only therefore deduce after that, that the cartoon image of the scientist with the large forehead is based on scientific fact....

A month without alcohol!! lighter mornings, snowdrops... it must be the moment before spring and I am feeling reawakened! Alive, sprightly and in need of entertainment!! I need to get out!!! and to modify my use of exclamation marks perhaps!!! it is a sign of exhuberance!!!!! Anything happening anywhere? Is there a social life just around the corner with a space for me to fit in it???

ummmmm Hannah????????? how was New York? and WHERE'S MY EMAIL?????? Sorry to shout!! Hope you are having fun, big hugs to both you and Simon xx

There’s nothing to worry about for all tomorrow’s children you know…. For generations hence there will be no more bad behaviour, no tantrums, no bad eating habits, no rudeness, nor lack of respect for elders, hoodies will be worn safely and happily by all and fear of the hoodie generation will be in the historical past…. And why am I so sure of this, well it’s because we now have two saviours, two people who, if they became a team would be world beaters…. The answer is simple…

Jamie Oliver and Supernanny!! It is so simple…. They can sort out the nations transgressors… supernanny can sort out the behaviour and Jamie can feed everyone properly… then children will love vegetables, their parents and the world and so will become more naturally eco-friendly in the process and in so doing will be awake and aware enough to act on global issues of environmental concern…

and yes went to see Brokeback Mountain on friday..... incredible film! Amazing for its understatedness! It has floated around in my thoughts and the utter poignancy and beauty of the tale it told has settled within my head like the softest silkiest handkerchief. I keep remembering moments, an image, a sentence, a look... god it was a beautiful film!

Jake saw it and his comments were... 'they could have done more with the cinematography and pulled a little more at the heart strings!' I was crying in the cinema, if they had pulled more I would have been audibly sobbing... the mountains were stunning but yes I see what he means but for me the understated beauty of their surroundings was all part of what made it such a memorable film... definitely recommend it to all

Walking in to work gives a moment of time for thoughts… it’s quite a lovely little space in the day when I trot along pondering the ineffable… a time for solitude and peace… and so the brain wanders, meanders the finer points of life… comes up with solutions to anything from kitchen design to why I wanted to be an anthropologist when I was a child…. Went for a job interview yesterday and was asked this question and then had to say why, found myself describing an old Australian atlas that my parents had which was fascinating, it had, in the middle pages, old sepia images of ‘peoples of the world’… photographs of family groupings, of stern Norwegians in patterned woollen clothing, of pygmy men standing proud!, of a Chinese family with the father with pigtail and odd platform sandals/shoes… different worlds, different lives….

Oh yes the job interview was for part time work at Rohan… need more money so have to work more!

Another pondering meandering thought was about accents and dialects… maybe it’s something to do with walking through the centre of Cambridge so often and all I hear are fascinating accents, numerous languages and odd dialects… ok so how come people from all over, initially mostly, Europe, all speaking different languages, having different accents arrive in a vast new continent, settle in regions right across the continent covering vastly differing geographical areas and then other diverse groups from Asia and Africa also arrive and settle, including of course indigenous peoples that have their own languages… and out of all this an accent develops that is distinct and easily recognisable, with even local dialects and variations?? How come they all speak American? Or Australian, the same thing happened there and both continents now have a distinct accent? How or why did this happen?

March looks like it might be an interesting month! Something has been set in motion, you know that feeling... it's almost as if something bigger has taken over and it's rolling, rolling along with a life of it's own. Tonight I go to a travel clinic to see what jabs I need for Mexico, I have been proactive in sorting out my finances and it all looks possible, I have checked with my parents about storing stuff in their loft, I have told Mepal that I'm away for two months and will start in May... it is all happening!!! I am going to Mexico in March. Renting out the flat looks likely to be the most stressful thing though, too many variables and negative possiblilities... do you know anyone that wants to rent out a flat in Cambridge for 6 months?? Someone, quiet, tidy and appreciative!!!

so jumping on that rolling ball with a big smile on my face I will be heading off to .... the unknown

Have been doing lots of reading in this new job! A very nice way to spend one's time indeed and have come across a few interesting things.... generally have to find things that relate to the university but it is sooo difficult to restrict my reading and not wander off on little tangents all the time.... catching up a bit on maybe what, to you, is old news but I haven't read news stories in such detail for ages... so now with all the bird flu stuff happening came across an old news report about Donald Rumsfeld being Chairman of the company that makes Tamiflu, the one vaccine that is recommended globally for this possible pandemic. He has already made millions and is set to make many many more... link that to the story which relates the possibility of replacing the world's global stock of chickens, in all it's diversity, with a monoculture of GM chickens which could be possible within 4 to 5 years! Frightening possibilities indeed, I feel we are turning that corner into a new world!!!! and it is a bit dark and a bit scary!!!!


Mexico looks more and more possible!!! Have now found myself reading up on what innoculations are required and have purchased a 'Teach yourself Spanish in 6 weeks' booklet and CD .... so far I can talk about a black donkey and a fast river! Hopefully my vocabulary will become more extensive!

just a very quick posting as I realise I haven't posted anything this year!! New job is good, walk to work nice in the mornings, so feel loads healthier just for that reason alone... and away from 'Misery' too so life is smiling at me! This job will probably last until Mar/Apr. Mepal starts again in April which gives rather a natural gap between times... maybe Mexico??

New years' Eve found me meeting up with 'old' friends Hannah and Simon, which was utterly lovely.... JJ&H came along with me to the Slug and Lettuce and we had a drink or two there but it didn't really suit. H&S felt like dancing and not been the most keen dancer in the world I felt happier trundling to The King St Run with JJ & H, It does have a good juke box so was quite content.... oddly we had a game of pool when we arrived as upstairs was empty... then at 12 headed towards people gathered at the bar... it was heaving and warm and I was gin-filled and happy.... the actual New Year was a little confused as they had a clock and a silent TV at different ends of the room and the room was split into two depending on what you were watching, one cheer went up but the other side of the bar were still concentrating on the 'time' so it sort of got missed somehow???? Got chatted up by assorted rogues but wandered back with Hayley, J& J got waylaid somewhere on route???? So that was it, another new year....

but all that seems such a long time ago! Now back to work........ cutting and pasting in the old traditional way!! Fingers getting all sticky and black!!!!

lots of plans made last night... met up with W and had a couple of drinks and discussed doing a climbing course, the single pitch award (SPA) in Devon so we can get some surfing in, what festivals to go to... Surfstock will be a definite and the Isle of Wight looks like a good possibility.... climbing in the peak district and really getting to grips with lead climbing... how to deal with the teenagers at Mepal and I'm not talking the ones that come for the courses... and it was lovely! Oddly I have found a good friend, someone to do stuff with at last!!!


and today it's my birthday.... 30 years ago when I was 18 the Sex Discrimination Act came into being. I was excited, hopeful indeed that equality was truely just around the corner...........30 years on and i think the corner is even further away.. women are still raped and barristers question what they were wearing, how much they drank and their previous sexual history... women are still not paid at the same level... within households it is still women who maintain the house doing the majority of cleaning shopping and care.... what I find more insidiously scary though is what has happened to children's toys... toys were just toys when I was younger, I had a football and dolls... nobody thought or said anything of it... nowadays it is all about boys toys and girls toys... there's a fluffy pink girly aisle in Woolworths and a macho camoflage, metal one for boys... they are seperate, different and in fact world's apart... there are boy flicks and chick flicks ... it is all neatly packaged in very seperate boxes.... whereas what I had hoped for at 18 was the freedom to be whomsoever I wanted to be without recourse to stereotypical gender behaviour... maybe that's sort of how I have been... in that I am a climbing instructor... I like working with kids... have long hair but always wear the trousers and pink is one of my favourite colours ... but I do think I might be considered slightly odd by some.... I dont care now but how would I have coped as a child growing up in this boxed and dystopic world!! ??

calmer much calmer........

so wishing everybody a bit of peace for the next week and in fact for the world forever, now wouldn't that be nice! So here's hoping there's no major environmental disaster, no famine, no corruption, no torture, no killings/murders/rapes/any other horrendous stuff.... no illness no suffering no death... ok sorry getting carried away... I know it's all impossible and that we need the whole life/death cycle thing ... without autumn there could be no spring ... without death no life and all that but, well I think I'm just simply trying to say 'best wishes' and may all your dreams be splendidly possible


love H/D

killing time..... at work and have totally lost the will to live... 'Misery's' negativity fills the room and her anger is unrelentless... plus having to deal with crap at home.... larger J has told me I should be grateful to H for doing the housework!!! and if I say 'but it's me that's doing it all' I sound niggardly and petulant!! hmmmm is it pc to even use the word niggardly any more???? bah!

feel as heavy as a 10 ton russian tank rolling into Czechoslovakia in 1968 and as happy as Gollum bah! I have lost my precious and I dont even know what it is, all I know is I have lost it!!!!!!!!!!

it's the winter solstice today and have invited people around tonight to share it with me... most can't make it, well it is a bit of an awkward night, but actually it is immaterial how many are there. I feel a real connection to this celebration in a really old hippyish sort of way! It is ancient, it is part of the natural cycle of life on the earth. I mean it is obvious that it is a very dark time of year and after today it will start to get lighter. So it is all about rebirth, starting over, recognising the past years events and acknowledging the importance of friends in one's life too.... seems to make sense to celebrate ... so am sending loads of best wishes and love to all in celebration of an excellent year just past and an exciting time ahead....

Having fun on Ebay, well it is friday! have two bids in at the moment....very exciting indeed maybe after today I will have all the gubbings needed for my new bathroom, maybe not and I'll have to start again on monday!

Also have been having fun on guardian soulmates with a cool surfer dude chappie and then there's the possibility of heading into london tonight for a greenpeace party, there's field archery on sunday too, so I will be out in a little woodland, bow and arrows in hand shooting at a variety of plastic prey! Going to be a splendid weekend

and there's only a few days left before it the days start to get lighter sooner... can't wait for the solstice this year as next year looks really quite buzzy and I am completely unable to live in the moment as there's so much to look forward to!! buzzy buzzy buzzy!!!!

Another lovely weekend this one full of films, good conversation and a wonderful sense of well-being.... sobbed my way through Before Sunrise and Before Sunset... fascinating filming... two people just talking.... but so many of their words have been mine, so many ideas expressed were so familiar... it was like watching a bit of my life... and yet... i have no Jesse... I took the wrong train I guess....

anyway went to the cinema to see The Constant Gardener which was a very satisfying film on all levels, the cinematography was beautiful, the characters were richly drawn, the storyline was important, the poignancy spiked home and it made me cry, cry for the victims, cry because of the injustice, cry because of the love... ahhhhhh very satisfying indeed... and because of what might be happening later this year I did not come away from that sort of film with the empty despondant feeling of 'what can I do about it all?' as I might well be playing my own small part in the bigger picture

had a drink with Rose in CB2 too and really enjoy the new opening hours too... found this the same on Sunday evening when J & J and I went to The Portland Arms for a game of pool but ended up joining in their pub quiz... a very difficult heavily music based quiz...it finished and we had a couple of drinks after it.... and left the pub around 12 ish. on a SUNDAY NIGHT! Lovely lovely lovely, much more relaxed and civilised indeed

I simply thought that rendition was all to do with singing....


but no I am wrong, I heard the phrase 'extraordinary rendition' through the haze of sleep one morning on R4... I was confused.... no it was not about singing or artistic performance.... it was to do with the US.... and torture... I dozed off.... woke again and pondered my dream... bizarre I thought....

turns out it was not a dream.... I have been horrified by recent reports of US activities... there has been Guantamamo where the US has flaunted International Law... there has been Abu Grave... which was disgusting.... there have been other tales all quite shocking concerning the US and prisoners....

how dare they! Why??? What excuse or reason can be used???? If US soldiers were treated in this way what horror and outrage would be blasted from all media sources!?... are they not putting forward an idea of 'spreading democracy'??... how can they justify any action that treats fellow humans in such a way?? and what of the UK... we have allowed these flights to land , take off and use our airports, are we not complicit in these actions by our 'turning a blind eye'?

it is so horrific a backward turn in ethical actions on behalf of a supposedly 'civilised government' that I am shocked to the core and wonder what is happening to the world....and what can be done

good good weekend! On arriving at King's x saturday morning I jumped off the train and felt wonderfully at home! That buzz! Went on the march, one of the friendliest I've been on so far...


image taken from the Campaign for Climate change webpages Photo by Andy Bodycombe


kept bumping into people I knew mostly either from Greenpeace or Glastonbury....in a way it was an easy non-confrontational march to be on.. I mean who can argue with the principles behind it, well apart from the White House of course, but I had an odd moment at the start of the march... arrived earlyish and sort of volunteered to be a steward... not really sure what this entailed but put the neon tabbard thingy on and stood trying to be helpful, giving directions and stuff.... before the march started there was plenty of handing out of placcards and banners and as a steward I was asked to hand out as many placcards for the 'Campaign for Climate Change' to people at the front of the march so it was all nice and visible!! Trouble was these people were real keenies from other organisations and they had their own issues they wanted to publicise!!! and so most refused my offer of a banner! another odd moment came late as we reached the US Embassy and went towards the park... at first the police said people could go in there and so a number trundled in but then the police changed their minds.... I was asked to direct people away from the entrance and around to where the crowd was gathering to hear speaches... I felt utterly like calling out... 'ok lets take the park' and charging!! but intead I did as instructed and felt utterly disloyal, like I was acting on the wrong side!!!!!..... but that aside it was a very pleasant walk, even the rain didn't diminish the enjoyment too much and I had a hat!!

and the evening looked like it was progressing brilliantly too as we all went to a pub just round the corner form the US embassy, well not everybody that was on the march obviously I mean the Greenpeace lot!! Carla even managed to bring one of the top speakers to join us... and here it gets a bit hazy.... trouble is I had marched all day, withough stopping to get any food, and well I'm never any good at taking sandwiches along! So I hit the pub really buzzy and dying of thirst... they served buckets of wine and I greedliy consumed a couple very quickly... that was enough! I was rubbish!!!!! and although suddenly got buzzy again at about 1.00 am it was a wasted opportunity!! I was out and about and completely incoherent... well nothing new there I hear some mutter!!! ... 'must do better' is all I can think!!


Sunday had a quick sprint around one floor of the Tate Modern...loved the Warhol! What power in an image!!!

Met S and R and had a lovely lunch just chatting, catching up, exchanging views... ahhhh lovely indeed.....

Met some amazing ladies, old women but rather than being grumpy old women they were fairly joyous! But that's more towards the end of the weekend sooooo

Saturday went and rummaged around TK Max, it's a bit like a jumble sale so you have to look.... I have a bit of an advantage in that I can check out all sections really, the women's, obviously, the men's... as I like bloke's trousers!... and then there's the boys section... where I found a delicious Ralph Lauren jumper reduced dramatically from £160 to a much more affordable £14! It's age 12 but fits perfectly!!! Even started the christmas present purchasing and got J a Man bag!! It even tells him where the webpage is so he can marry his bag??? The other J disapproves completely and thinks it was far too much money for a bag !!!!

Sooooooo caught the train into King's X... zipped down thnorthernrn line and headed for the Tate Modern to check out the boxes




ok yes they were white there were a lot of them... it felt cool, particularly as everyone was already well wrapped up from the cold.... but that was it... it didn't grab with delight like the weather project, it didn't annoy like the sound thingy.... it was just there....

headed into Brockley and to the party and on arrival all my ageist prejudices came to the fore... it was Kate's Mum's party and I have met her before and she seemed pleasant enough, others were going from Greenpeace so I hadn't really thought about who would be there.... well it was full of 'old people' and my prejudice immediatelyly kicked in and I thought 'oh my god' and spent my time talking to people I knew previously and didn't really bother with getting to know anyone else... it was fun anyway even if Kate got me a drink which turned out to be red wine and coke!!! and I actually enjoyed it!!!! Anyway was up until 4 putting the world to rights but woke in the morning at my usual hour, which is so annoying... Some of Ginny's friends had stayed over and we all joined in sorting the place out, making breakfast sort of stuff and I realised I was in the company of some really rather dynamic women.... they talked of following the hippy trail in the sixties to San Francisco, of sailing down the Amazon, of the diversity of animals seen in Madagascar!! It was quite inspiring... talked of the business I want to set up in Cornwall and I have my first booking! Now I have to get cracking! It is a real proposition and people are interested! I can do this!!!

oh yes think I also agreed to instruct tree climbing in Mexico next year for scientists/volunteers working in the rain forest canopies!!!

an excellent weekend and I will feel very fortunate if I meet up with these people again!!!

Back in the world of the bicycle again and I had thought I was reasonably fit. Arrived at work yesterday the colour of the ripest strawberry and so very very hot! Looking back on the summer's activities though I don't think my legs were ever put to any strain, arms yes in climbing, belaying,archery, windsurfing, kayaking, yes the arms are good, but that doesn't help much on a bicycle! and I must get a comfortable saddle!!!

woman sharing my office space reminds me of the Kathy Bates character in Misery... scary!!!!

well after a brief and intense exchange of emails they stopped....and haven't heard from him in days. He has now reached the heady heights of No. 10 in the Mr Popularity ratings!

He just doesn't know what he has missed out on!!!!

found this intelligent quiz today with intelligent questions....
this is 'what type of humanist I am...

Handholder

You go out of your way to build bridges with people of different views and beliefs and have quite a few religious friends. You believe in the essential goodness of people , which means you’re always looking for common ground even if that entails compromises. You would defend Salman Rushdie’s right to criticise Islam but you’re sorry he attacked it so viciously, just as you feel uncomfortable with some of the more outspoken and unkind views of religion in the pages of this magazine.


You prefer the inclusive approach of writers like Zadie Smith or the radical Christian values of Edward Said. Don’t fall into the same trap as super–naïve Lib Dem MP Jenny Tonge who declared it was okay for clerics like Yusuf al–Qaradawi to justify their monstrous prejudices as a legitimate interpretation of the Koran: a perfect example of how the will to understand can mean the sacrifice of fundamental principles. Sometimes, you just have to hold out for what you know is right even if it hurts someone’s feelings.

What kind of humanist are you? Click here to find out.

Hadn't realised frosted leaves actually clatter as they fall to the ground, but that's what they are doing this morning and it presages all that winter represents... gloom, biting cold, a search for the other glove, scraping ice off various things ahhhhhh it is no good I just don't like this time of year at all. Yes we have had a gloriously warm October and yes the skies have been a crisp cerulean blue for the last few days but it is getting darker earlier and noticeably so and there are those glittery things appearing in shop windows, things that have baubles and other glittery things dangling from them ahhhhh it's bah humbug time indeed!

Time for a change! Using one of Rowena's pictures for the header and I hope you like it...seems totally appropriate as it is soooooo cambridgeshire! that landscape is the background of my life.... one wonders how I became a climber!! The remarkable thing about Rowena's work is that it is appliqued work.... in a gallery it looks like an oil painting and then you are drawn in to look closer until you realise that each block of colour is an individual piece of fabric and each piece of fabric is sewn together to make the composite whole.... really lovely work indeed!

ok .... does this bloke seem real?!? I have exchanged a number of fairly esoteric, succinct emails with him... and see that he is now in the 'popular' list, oh yes even dating sites reflect the hierarchical nature of our society!!! even 'Guardian soulmates!! a site supposedly for politically correct, intelligent lefties !! oh yes it is deeply embedded within whatever we strive to do and don't get me started on the ageism that is prevalent here too!!!!.... anyway.... just read this and then give me advice... is this man for real? should I even attempt any sort of correspondence or is it some make-believe fantasy profile and the guy in reality lives with his mum on an estate in Luton and works in a wellington boot factory???

read on:
I'm deeply curious/frequently filled with awe, laughing lots, frequently silly. Enjoying fine/visual/performance arts; playing guitar/singing. good listener/learning to be a better communicator.

HUMBLING MOMENTS:
PHYSICALLY: Trekking Himal with 50 pound backpack, watching 4' sherpas carrying 140lbs of pepsi cruising by...or... INTERSPECIES: being attacked by a alpha male howler monkey after cataloguing harem, collapsing from impact of guanacaste fruit it threw at my head, camera smashing, paralized, calling to my students for help, the alpha male screaming from the tree limbs 5 feet above... EMOTIONALLY: Being present at births/deaths of people I love...and even those I don't know so well.

for fun:
tundra alpine zones, rainforests temperate/tropical, coral reefs/turtle grass beds, roped friends dancing high ridges, somersaults descending reef walls weightless, gazelling tropical savannahs by sand rivers; backpack, scuba, telemark, sea kayak...alpine mountaineering, climbing...long-distance hiking...

my job:
Natural/Biocultural History, Environmental Sciences/Studies. Community-based participatory action research. Traditional Ecological Knowledge/Processes of Inquiry. Protected areas studies. Internationalist. NGO Director, GOV, university. Fine art fotographer/printer, writer, foto journalist, national geographic society expert lecturer, nomad professor...
nature, nature, nature... My sense of self/life's meanings are deeply interwoven with my lover, nature, my friends/family and communities in which I live/work. I'm atheist fascinated by others beliefs, myths and faith. Nature/nurture, power/wealth, resonance/dissonance. Evolution is like gravity, there it is! Exploring beyond post-modernism. nature/metropolis inspiring me.

favorite things:
sultry jazz w/female vocalist, chet's sax, ball mozarella w/plump organic tomato smothered in virgin olive oil, dark French chocolate w/ 92% Ecuadorian cacoa, making love in the tropical intertidal, splashing, the million star hotel...

wow!

I am utterly crap at working in an office... do the bare minimum and then spend the rest of the time exchanging emails or surfing the net for imponderables... last night though returned to Mepal and it was lovely... miss them/it all! realise that the job was so good for me in that there were no short cuts, no time off, no fudging stuff... you had to do the job properly because it changed people's lives and that was such a different criteria!!

Anyway went climbing last night and woke up some atrophying muscles but it has made me feel alive and bouncy today!!! So much so that I walked into reception to collect stuff for the seminar room, someone commented on how alive and bouncy I seemed I said I'd been climbing and the receptionist told me about a new climbing wall at her gym! It is on the way home!! So tonight I will have to check it out!... Think what this little waffle was all about was that once you get into a positive frame of mind, things start happening, things that increase the positivity and it's all for the good! Wish I could get this across to my eldest...his negativity is boundless, his anger intense and he brings a lot of what happens to him because of it! I really don't know how to get him to see the world in a different way, it all seems so embedded in his psyche??? Will he grow out of it, I can only hope so....

have been flirting with Guardian soulmates again and am 'corresponding' with a few hopefuls... and they seem very nice and very positive....hmmmm but all are based in the west country?? Is this a coincidence I wonder????

just browsing stuff and planning the next few weekends activities, one of which includes a march and I found this picture....



see the blurry smiley face in the background... wearing a pink scarf!! yours truely!! and the chap in the foreground... well that's another story!!!! sadly you cant see the Mongolian flag I was carrying....

have occasionally checked out my blog on the bloggernity site and usually it has had one or two ratings a few hits nothing terribly spectacular at all.... until today!!! suddenly readers have started rating it and my god what awful ratings!! has my haphazard writing style and execrable spellings suddenly taken a downturn, please tell me... let me know.... or is it anything to do with shooting at lifesize plastic deer and really enjoying the experience??? it was plastic!!!

So looking forward to the weekend! Have been working in my new office since monday but worked the full weekend at Mepal so it seems like ages since I didn't have to get up to go into work!

The last weekend at Mepal was really pleasant although the whole fortnight prior to that I had felt 'out of sorts' you know that indefinable not too happy feeling. But heard from the university temp agency on thursday that there was a job for me starting on monday and that took the whole uncertainty thing away and I could enjoy my last few days there unhindered by niggling worries... and I certainly did enjoy it, particularly saturday!!!

We had a couple of chaps from Ely archery booked in to check out how suitable the site was for field archery and I had been given the task of showing them around... I wasn't too sure about the whole thing, didn't really know what it entailed but they duly arrived and I was absolutely horrified to see them take from their car a life sized 3D plastic model of a deer!! They had a couple of other 3D shapes too and some splendid looking bows and kit!! Soooooo started wandering around the site, their enthusiasm was quite infectious and very soon they had picked an appropriate first spot and they used a 3D ball shape, chucked into an open spot on the grass and shot at it.... I sort of got the itch to have a go myself so I went in search of my favourite bow, rushed back and had a go! Hit it first shot and felt very pleased with myself... we then went into a little woodland area we use as a trust trail, ie a group of paired people, one blindfolded the other acting as their guide go around a course of obstacles, it is quite hilly and very wooded and so the deer was placed half hidden by foliage.. I just couldn't resist and took aim.... it was rather like reverting to childhood and playing 'bows and arrows' and yes I hit the deer. It has a little 'kill zone' marked in the chest area and if you hit it you score maximum points!!.... we all got rather carried away with it and ended up shooting from the fork in a tree, the top of a climbing frame, through a number of tree branches and my god it was fun!! Quite buzzy indeed!!!

and so now I sit in an office at as a 'postgraduate secretary' dealing with the day to day admin of one of the departments in the university... so far so good, quite like my little role!!

Went to see Rob Newman and Mark Thomas on sunday night.



Amazing!! Rob Newman was incredible, he stumbled a bit at the start, was that because his Mum was in the audience?? He soon, though, hit a very fast paced, fact filled diatribe against climate criminals, the US policy in Iraq, the real reasons for the start of the First world war and countless other politically important issues and it all made sense and it all made everyone laugh!! Oh yes there was gaylord tennis too!!! He is a very watchable man and seems quite authentic in his environnmental concern.... Amazing indeed!

Mark Thomas on the other hand was oddly less stridently political and less effective... so I went to queue to get a copy of Mr Newman's book after the show, had a little wait, successfully purchased a copy of The Fountain at the centre of the world, found J& J, they suggested I get the book signed as RN was standing nearby... went over and got caught in between one of RN's friends introducing other people so felt the need to introduce myself..... and ask for his signature.... hastily made my escape straight afterwards....also very pleased at J & J's reaction to the show too... proud of them as they are both political animals too!

Back at home and cleaning!!! Listening to my launchcast radio station and realise that I can put a link to it so, if you fancy trying it out, take a listen to all my favourites... love it as you can update it constantly and it chucks in other recommendations too so you can hear new stuff as well... plus if there's an oldie that isn't in my collection I can select the particular song and it will be played!!! So it is even better than my own music collection!!!hmmmmmmmmmmm do i sound like an ad???

It's Saturday night and I have been working today with a sixth form group taking their D of E awards. They have been pleasant people to work with and it has generally been a nice day. Lunchtime though I found time to give youngest J a call and discovered that two days ago he was hit over the head with a brick whilst on his way home from work and had his wallet stolen. I felt I could have cried and immediately wanted to rush to his side and administer chicken soup or something similar!!!!! But I feel sad that I have heard this news two days later, that I'm out of his social loop to such an extent that I didn't get to hear sooner... feel particularly crap actually... I'm not only out of J's social loop I am out of the whole world's social group and stuck here in my caravan enjoying work but that's it... there is nothing else!!!!! The highlight of my social calendar is the pub quiz in Mepal on a sunday night!!!!! The only bloke that's showed any interest in me recently was the new caretaker of Soham Village school and we all know what happened to the old one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that I'm actually in search of a bloke... oddly a night out with friends is more desired, feel I left London and life behind.... there were people I could talk to relate to drink with have a laugh with just normal stuff... here I sit in my caravan watching either my surfing and yoga video or Channel 4 (my TV only works on one channel!) Last night I succumbed to getting a knot book off the shelf and teaching myself how to tie a bowline!!!!! How sad is that!!! (Though it will be useful!!!!)And tonight, well tonight could be a repeat performance. Reading Birds without Wings a book by the chappie who wrote Captain Corelli's Mandolin which was a book I didn't really get past the second chapter as the characters all seemed utterly pointless... this book is better by far and the story seems intricately woven and the characters have meaning... but I need more....

Jake's ok by the way and not too badly hurt just shaken up a bit