Been a busy week! Most amazingly won the pub quiz!!! Maybe because it was a quiet night, it was raining hard when we headed to the Mayflower and we realised that competion might be lessened because of teh weather but I think actually it was the fact that this week we joined forces with 4 other people! Romped home to a win and I do so like winning! Trouble was that I'd already had my alloted sensible amount of red wine and as we won just about the right amount for a round of drinks it seemed appropriate to celebrate our victory with a large glass!! Sadly I barely remember the walk home, but woke with the taste of victory in my mouth the following morning, or was that............?
Then to the comedy cafe with Pete on wednesday night. Now wednesday night is a bit of a dodgy one to choose..... it's free to get in which is good but you get to watch 5 or 6 virgin comedians stutter and stumble their way through their, obviously well prepared, little 5 minute pieces. Hhmmmmmmm some of it was excruciatingly painfull, one poor chap launched himself on the stage, voice barely audible and blurted out his punch line for the first joke before he'd actually managed to relate the joke, you could almost see his brain scrambling to rejoin his head and fight to regain control of his mouth... but he was better than The Canadian who became so obnoxious and abusive that he left the stage with everyone now with a well defined hatred of any canadian whatsoever... Tim Styles was good and I even remember his name! Actually it was a very enjoyable evening!

Life has an odd way of imitating TV at times! Last night I felt I was totally immersed in a soap plot. Sometimes it is all truely unbelievable .... so ........ last week had me down to my last 90p and it was 4 days from pay day. Oddly I resigned myself to my, somewhat habitual, penury as I walked out of the tube station late that night. I felt totally calm and just shrugged my shoulders and decided not to worry about it as I could always cycle to work and I had enough food, so philosophically reconciled I turned the corner and there, right in front of me, lit by the glow of the street light was a £5 note! So I had more than enough to get me through the week and felt very grateful to life for supplying my need.
and then last night..... got home from work really tired but a friend phoned to say could she come swimmming, flatmate Sarah was up for it too so the three of us headed around the back of the building to the pool. Must admit to not actually swimming for more than 5 minutes before heading for the heat and bubbles of the jacuzzi.... ended up all three sitting in there and conversation turned to my friend's next date, she has a boyfriend but has been asked out by a mega rock star to go to lunch..... I suddenly realised the vast contrast ... last week I was picking up someone's lost change and being really in need of a few extra pennies This week I am lounging in my jacuzzi with 2 friends discussing the dilemma of dating rockstars!!! Life is a bit weird at times! But at least it isn't dull!!!

Last night after cycling home, and as usual getting lost, I went out........ wandered up Rotherhithe Street and eventually came to a part of Rotherhithe I have never been before, discovered a job centre, health centre and the object of the search, a library! It was brightly lit and the doors were welcomingly open so after taking a deep breath I headed up the steps. Inside I could see a gathering of people so I aimed for that, chairs were set out in a circle and a number had already been claimed. In one corner a couple of women were pouring wine into glasses and chatting, after a couple of seconds of taking in the scene I introduced myself to a wine pourer and was welcomed into the fold, offered wine and asked to find a chair. I had made it into my first reading group experience!!!! The group was larger than I anticipated and quite diverse though I guess the majority were 50 something women there were exceptions.. the young Chinese man and 40 ish gay bloke being the most obvious. The book they had read last month was Washington Square by Henry James, obviously I was at a bit of a disadvantage as I hadn't read it but it turned out I wasn't the only one and the conversation was lively at times challenging at others and dire on a couple of occassions. Turns out that next month they don't have a book to read but are having a Christmas party, so it will be January before I can really expereince the whole reading group thing... I have to produce a list of my favourite 10 books before the Christmas Party though, so that will take some thought!!

Interesting article in The Onion about what to do if Mom discovers your Blog! Think I have tackled this one in reverse....... when living in Cambridge I had my blog in my favourites list. Then Josh started using my computer, he looked and read about himself!! He wasn't too happy about my interpretation of his actions! It was about the time they told me of Hayley's pregnancy and so I had written about it (April?) ....... it's difficult to totally avoid the personal and so my policy is to put stuff that I would say to the person involved and if I wouldn't do that then it's best not to include it in the blog.........

Had a weird conversation about acid with J&J recently which I didn't write about as I have at times been a long way away from an available computer...... suffice to say the conversation was about shared experiences and how some stuff just hasn't changed!! Must admit I had never thought I'd be having a 'my favourite trip' conversation with my boys!!!

Home at last and it is utterly lovely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel very very lucky to have found it. The flat is gorgeous and already we have pictures on the wall, books on the bookcase .... it is a home! Even been very efficient in sorting out the phone line so am in touch with the world, just need a computer and life is complete.... and the swimming pool is a bit of a bonus!!!! As I haven't been sleeping too well and have been wide awake very early I am now able to don big hoody and trackie bottoms and with just a quick walk around the building I am at poolside within a minute of leaving the flat..... I have had the pool to myself, well it was 7.30! but actually being alone in a pool gives a real sense of pure enjoyment and freedom...... dived in, swam a few lengths and then realised I didn't need to just go up and down but could go in circles. Amazing what years of ingrained behaviour can do in that it took me a while to work this out!! So I swam and loved it........ will work on a few breathing techniques over the winter and then maybe that triathlon wont seem so impossible!!!!!! Life is good!

Ha! Now I know what I have been doing for the last three weeks... Sofa surfing!!!!!!!!! well I have surfed the internet, surfed the sea, surfed a set of concrete stairs on an ironing board, windsurfed, surfskied and now I am an accomplished sofa surfer too!!! It's amazing the skills you can clock up without even realising... Read an article in th Guardian yesterday about the phenomenon of sofa surfing and luckily my experience has just been a temporary blip but there are others out there who for various reasons, mostly to do with cost of housing and lack of decent references, have to rely on the support and kindness of friends for long periods of time. Must be awful to have no home and no personal space for a protracted period, three weeks has been enough for me ... though I don't know how to say a big enough thank you to friends who have given me space and time........ Many many thanks

and tomorrow I move into my new flat... will bring news of life with flatmate...

Was just looking through the archive as this blog is over a year old now... longer than I ever managed to keep a journal going... but what a year to record! Personally it has been a very dramatic year... this time last year I was working for an obscure scientific charity producing two highly regarded scientific journals in the field of fertility so I was reading some fascinating articles about elephant sperm and the like!! But it got a little dull.... then I met someone fell in love and moved to London, whilst in the process of moving my youngest was involved in a hit and run, my eldest became a potential father and my lover was held up in a bank robbery.... and now after the longest hottest summer on record I am working on the fringes of the fashion industry organising the travel back and forth from various fashion shows, have crashed a car, drunk my way through countless bottles of wine, realised I have got some very very good friends, been clubbing and gone to Glastonbury for the first time, moved out, and found a flat with a swimming pool attached! Youngest still having problems with his broken collarbone but he has found a very sweet and supportive and handsome boyfriend, eldest still inthe same relationship, they have just celebrated their first anniversary though without the potential child and both sons are working!!.... hmmmmmmmmm some year and I'm only 45 still!!

Hidden away from the world for the last couple of days, many thanks to Neela for providing not only a sofa but a bed too!!! So only a week to go until I move into my new flat, god this has been traumatic and totally draining... have hidden away in books too this last two weeks. Have devoured Vernon God Little, Astonishing splashes of colour, The divine secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood and the not to be forgotten Who moved my cheese! plus started Brick Lane when I was in Bethnal Green and left it behind... is it a form of escapism I wonder to immerse oneself in a fictional world for a day or two?? Pondering the possibility of finding a reading group so that I have to really focus my reading a bit more and have something to say about the experience afterwards..... any suggestions?
A week to go...... so far I have bought a mattress, sorted a few things out in Cambridge and have tried desperately hard to remember the size and proportions of the place that we so briefly saw in what seems like an age ago and to think next week I'll be living there!!!!

Still living on people's sofa's and becoming very tired of it all.... will not get the keys to the new flat until the 7th which seems to be getting further away rather than closer, it is now 10 days away. But it's one of those arrangements that keep getting put off and seems forever to be 10 days away ... starting to wonder if I'll ever actually have a home again! It's also making stuff like cooking in one's own kitchen seem like the most desirable thing in the world.... was wandering around M&S last night and getting excited at the thought of a microwave dinner for one!!! Heard from Sarah this morning my new flatmate to be, she mentioned the mini-mirrored balls and pink sheepskins that are available on Deptford market hmmmmmm well it will be a laugh no less!!!
Reading Vernon God Little which is perhaps not ideal reading for a footloose and homeless transient to read but I love his ummmm what do you call them ... misreadings? misconceptions? such as 'Adult Hitler' and 'powerdime shifts'.... a world of little depth, subtlety or understanding... angst ridden humour!

Find myself living in Bethnal Green as a temporary measure and actually find I really enjoy the area, there's a vitality here that is utterly missing in Rotherhithe and I feel very alive and full of energy. It might be a little shabby but it's colourful and vibrant. I am walking to walk which is a delight and there are sights along the way that make you smile. Not only John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson all suited as in Pulp Fiction holding bananas at arms length on Old St but also the bridge over Old Street with the uniformed smiley faces and the words KEEP LEFT centrally positioned.... but there's also wonderful little bits of stencilled graffitti such as the punk with little purple wings on Ion Sq Gdns and a number of pavement sketches that you smile as you walk over...

Time zipping by again and its now October!!

Had another look at The Blaine....... looks a tad thinner but still up there perplexingly?? Dead odd! Still haven't really worked out my ambivalence, but anyway..... went on the London Eye last sunday and it was all that I expected! well as I hadn't really had any expectation that's not as good as it sounds. went with sons + partners and Pete.... good views indeed and the sun was just setting so the light was really interesting.

Other things recently worth a remark or two have been Holmes Place in Kensington.. very nice gym/leisure centre ... had a long swim, a bit of a jacuzzi, a moment of steam room and lots of lusciously hot powerful showers....... cool indeed! I will be back! That is if A keeps working there and sneaks me in for free!!

Had a look at Friendster yesterday and thought it worth a few moments of registering so have attempted that today but its not sending out the email verification and as I'm Billy-no-mates I can't really look around the site until someone else does too??? am I understanding this correctly??? Neela what was the thing about the 5 words to describe someone.. could not see that anywhere???? Five words to describe me......short hapless alcoholic.... hmmmmmm thats only three, must put on my positive hat!!....... !!

hmmmmmm just received an email from Travel Italia asking for reciprocal links so I have complied.. will it make a difference to my site I wonder.... any emails from anyone else about this would be good

Anyway the weekend......... had another wander up to see David Blaine on Friday, it was afternoon very pleasant weather and he was obviously enjoying it all... waving smiling and looking remarkably relaxed for a man that hasn't eaten for a week. A friend though went to look later on friday and described a very different atmosphere, he said that people were abusive and there was a general feel of aggression in the air, at one point a firework was released and the glass cage visibly rocked. DB must feel somewhat vunerable!

After having a look at the man we wandered around the Design Museum which has some fascinating bits of stuff in it as well as the ubiquitous Alessi kettle! Wanderings continued to Browns- newly opened in Shad Thames where we had dinner, a very efficiently produced and tasty meal ... Pete had driven up in an electric car so we headed home following the Thames path in a narrow Noddy-like red car, unfortunately the batteries are not very efficient and any slight upward gradient meant the lights dimmed and the car slowed to worse than walking pace!! Luckily we were not on the road holding up vast queues of maddened London drivers!

Yesterday was spent in hard labour on the boat! It is now empty, we must have moved 20 tons of rubbish, assorted metal pieces, bags of gravel and all manner of tat.. it is now empty! and we will be living in it by the end of October, dont know whether to be excited or horrified at the prospect... at the moment I'm just feeling exhausted

Forgot to mention about the surfing with Ruby Wax!! Bank holiday weekend Pete and I headed to Cornwall... weather was wonderful, St Agnes just utterly lovely I really want to move there right now!! People were really really friendly and unlike Newquay it hasn't lost its Cornish charm at all...... so we booked a surf lesson, turned out that it was fully booked by Ruby Wax and family/entourage..... so I watched Ruby's first attempts at surfing !! Which is an odd way to spend a bank hollday monday, we did get to have a go though as we stayed an extra day....... waves were the biggest I've ever seen in Cornwall and my underwater somersaults were spectacular!!! Decided this should be a new sport, particularly as I am soooooo good at it. I managed loads of 360's a few forward flips and even the occassional back flip, plus the ungainly sideways 3/4 flip to land face first in the sand, not elegent I grant you but utterly spectacular!

Went to see David Blaine last night, well he is in walking distance of home so it would seem churlish not to! So we wandered as a group, Pete and his kids, me and my boys and Steve a friend planning to have a drink in Shad Thames whilst in the area. It's a very pleasant bit of London and DB has chosen an excellent view for his sojourn into the self. We arrived on the other side of the bridge and it took a few moments to spot anything different but saw the crane first. So we wandered to far side of the bridge past a hot dog seller, will DB gets smells wafting up to him of bland frankfurter sausages and magnificent fried onions?? Above our heads in a narrow glass casket was a sort of duvet bundle, very reminscent of the bundle of the fusty grey homeless that lurk in doorways all over town. As there was little proof that an actual person was even in there it also reminded me of the duvet bundle that is placed under normal bedding by teenagers (well I did it anyway!) when they have gone out without permission and rather hope that the parents wont look too closely into a darkened room. But I digress we made lots of comments like it could be a robot, a lookalike and other similar suggestions and then there was movement from above and all heads turned upwards as DB slowly stood up. This was accompanied by a rousing cheer, the man in teh glass box proceeded to remove his jumper hang it up and wrap himself up in his bundle again and then subside once more to the bottom of the box. As far as I could see the person looked remarkably like David Blaine so I would say it was him!? Such an odd spectacle though, very zoolike in its voyeuristc qualities!! A man has chosen to place himself above humanity?? Is he watching the crowds that gather with the same sense of unease that I watched him?? Obviously his unease will be far greater as he is supposedly doing this without food, though I think it would very stupid if the water doesn't have some colourless nutritional addition to it, vitamins and supplements and maybe a sedative or two would make survival of 44 days sort of possible. DB's view of the Tower of London though, from across the river, is absolutely gorgeous with its floodlit turrets and ancient stone walls, it might help though probably after a few days you would stop appreciating the sights!
But, and there is always a but.... traffic was appalling last night as anyone crossing the bridge slowed to look and I would guess that by the level of traffic everyone who was travelling anywhere in the vacinity decided to take a look too. This is going to make driving utterly unbearable if it carries on for 44 days!

Travel by tube is generally an unexciting thing, it's often too warm and horribly crowded but recently I have noticed the phenomenon of the button pusher and it has intrigued me.... the whole tube experience is very automatic and probably for the first time ever I have felt utterly ant like in my insignificant crawling through tunnels along with vast numbers of fellow travellers. but there are amongst that number some who appear to believe they have some control over the system. They display this idea of control by pushing the button to open the train doors Ha! have they not seen that the doors open automatically regardless of human interaction?? that the whole movement is completely pointless?? that they are completely wasting their time?? or do they blithely wander around truely believing that unless they take part in this action the door will not open and the twenty or so people also waiting to get on board would just stand there looking at an unopened door???? What a wonderful sense of self importance they must have!!

off to see Morcheeba at Somerset House tonight.. will get the riverboat too which is a very pleasant idea as an alternative to a cab or the tube ........ still in London........... still part of a couple...... stiill pondering


saw Terminator last week..... all a bit of fun really! must admit to enjoying watching Arnie as the terminator and taking the piss out of it all.. he is obsolete but at least is aware of it and his older model was a pure parody of a former one

in serious run away mode..... Cornwall is beckoning even harder than ever and I just want to run............................surf.............. climb.....................

have started looking at jobs and houses... on my own........... my own place........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

and tonight it's Astanga yoga!!! yet another course I have signed up for, this one is a 6 week beginners course in power yoga!! Should be fun and as I am so stiff and achey from last night the stretching should combine well with climbing..... by the end of the 6 weeks I might even be on my way to a reasonable level fitness again which means I can eat vast dinners and drink copiuous amounts of alcohol with impunity!

Went climbing last night and scared myself silly but it was sooo good! Did the course a couple of weeks ago and have been down to the centre a couple of times since to try out all the exciting new techniques.... hmmmmmm boy can I smear well now!! Anyway sort of realised that my confidence is fine with top roping, I can happily climb to dizzying heights and make interesting moves if I have a rope attached.... but without a rope I have been a little wuzzy, until last night that is! There are a couple of sort of slabs (walls leaning away from you as you climb, makes it loads easier!) and I have free climbed these though must admit to pounding heart and liquid knees at first.... so the confidence has been growing a bit.. and I have progressed to doing the harder climbs on the easy slab...... last night........ wandered around and tried free climbing a wall that we had top-roped on the course. It has massive bolt-ons and chunky holds mainly because it has a very severe overhang at the top of the wall... so I looked at it and remembered how easy it was to climb with a rope.... actually felt a bit like walking up a ladder sooooooooo I decided to free climb but only up to 15ft when I planned to jump............. thing was when I was up there I was really enjoying the challenge and decided to continue.... and it was fun, not too difficult and even at the overhang bit the holds were solid ....... until the end.......... the wall ends on a platform, a flat platform with a couple of bolt-ons to grab and pull yourself up with.... trouble was there was nowhere for my left foot to go to push myself up from... and I was at this point about 25ft up dangling on an overhang with steadily growing panic /adrenaline coursing through my veins! hmmmmmm luckily someone saw my plight and offered a hand (how embarrassing but very very useful) sooo next time I am determined to do the same climb tho' this time I will look first before I start climbing to see exactly where my left foot can go. This is totally the advantage of using a climbing wall, you can go over and over the same climb until you get it right whereas climbing outdoors you generally do a route once and move on to something else...........

hmmmm the little Glastonbury bubble that I have been happily floating in for the last few days seems not to have burst but gently landed........... it was an excelllent, wonderful, chilled festival I am totally converted and want to return again and again, in fact I want to live that life.... though with fully flushing toilets as an addition!

So much was going on a time machine is a real necessity.. you could easily have so many different festival experiences with the use of a time transporter....... one could be where you squeeze in to see all the big named bands that are on, another could be spent in the Greenfields and Healing space getting wiped out and amazed, another could be trying out the new bands in the plethora of smaller stages and drinking beer and having a laugh with yer mates, and yet another could be wandering around the lost space and marvelling at the fully intentioned mayhem that is Lost Vagueness

Glastonbury

an excellent weekend....definitely the best festival I have ever been to...... the sun helped but it was so much more!! will add more later but as my blog has been updated I'm off to explore

I realised this morning that I have a 'pet hate' odd term but that was the one that came to mind, so it's the one I'll use for now, unless you can suggest a better term.... anyway my particular pet hate concerns the use of grossly oversimplified, often gendered, generalisations......... you know the sort -sentences that start 'women (or men) usually do/think/react...... ' I really resent being herded in with half the population and expected to behave in just one particular way.. I do feel this biologically deterministic viewpoint irritating to say the least, surely the spectrum of behavior is inordinately diverse and although there are differences the differentiation between gendered behaviour is so overemphasised with such generalisations being commonly repeated that it sort of becomes too difficult to step away from and people start to believe that the behaviour is set in stone and irrefutable. i.e that men do behave in one particular way and that women do behave in another particular way with no leaway for looking at behaviour patterns more along a spectrum rather than distinctly grouped........

anyway moving on... have signed up for a refresher climbing course at Mile End Climbing club. went the other night and was pleased at the friendliness of the place and the diverse range of people there... so have paid up for a 2 day course in early June!

AND have got tickets for Glastonbury!!!!!!!!!

Finished reading 'If nobody speaks of remarkable things'....... a lovely book quite the best read I've had for absolutely ages, a totally absorbing and poetic journey, a journey through a day, a journey through the mundane, a look at the detail of people's lives in such a way that the mundane becomes extraordinary... even the title is a delight in that in the book the sentence 'If nobody speaks of remarkable things' is completed by the words 'then they cannot be so'..... wonderful! a pure delight indeed! It even made me cry! Right from the start you knew something dreadful was going to happen.. there was much exploration of life and death issues and how they affect the individuals. The characters were described in perfect detail but without names, all the people in a street were watched in absolute detail and described in an innovative way, conversation was not demarcated. it flowed along with all the other flotsam of the street..... it WAS a good read.. definitely recommended as a truely remarkable book

What a weekend! It seemed to start thursday.. with a visit to Highgate in the fun car, met up with Pete's two brothers and girlfriends in The Flask which was a really nice pub where we sat outside and drank copious amounts of wine and ate pistachio's! Very nice indeed, we than went on to an Indian and then it becomes a little blurred, well to be exact I fell asleep so it is less than just a blur it's not even a remote and hard to reach memory! Even managed to sleep all the way home which in an open topped no suspension 2 seater buggy is remarkable really! So friday I thought I'd give up alcohol as I don't seem able to do the sensible stopping after 2 glasses sensible thing.

Friday night was the Club Moto BBQ night and I was a bit of a party pooper really ....... though the one advantage of not drinking was that I drove myself home in the fun car having decided that I didn't really fancy the trip to Chelsea Bridge to watch old bikers and lads on scooters....

Saturday was meant to be the big day for moving the boat! It didn't happen, Enfield dock were just not ready! Jake came to visit though so I went to meet him in Kings Cross and we had a quiet evening with a BBQ .. sunday I had booked a jet ski so Pete and I left Jake in London and headed to Wyboston Lakes. had a wonderful ride there. the A507 was a lovely road all sweeping curves and picturesque countryside.. Pete enjoyed the trip down which I was pleased about as he didn't seem too excited about jetskiing!!

But we got there and we got kitted up in wetsuits and went to play! Loved it and so did Pete... we were both zipping around the lake in the sunshine until somewhat from nowhere it went horribly dark and the heavens opened up and tipped buckets on us and at speed on a jetjski rain hurts...had half an hour of play and was unable to work my arms properly! Muscles just gave up, getting the wetsuit off afterwards took ages!

Just had a look at Rose Darling (see link on the left under 'Blogs') Rose agrees with me about a recipe for youthfulness... forgot to mention the gig we went to ... the 'Godfather' boys were excellent in their usual sleazy way...... bit of a problem with their CD though ... the music is excellent, the CD design is very very polished I was really impressed and then I played the music video on my computer! All I can say is............ Lip sync ....!!! It really didn't work .. in fact it made me think of a A level art student who had big intentions but then just smoked too much weed and didn't quite get to finish the project off... but still had to hand in something!! Oh dear....

it's monday and I feel like spending money!! have an need to buy hmmmmmmmmm well anything really, though I'm trying to decide what I actually need...... after getting soaked yesterday in the fun car a waterproof jacket seems like a good option. Went to Chelsea in the sunshine, well almost sunshine and had a walk along the King's Road, looking at shops, had a coffee and sat in a pleasant little Italian place drinking my Americano and the heaven's opened up! It was pointless rushing back to the car as it's not really a convertible, there is no roof! So we just had to linger over the coffee watching the rain. When we finally got back to it we were presented with a crowd of people looking at it and two good size puddles in the seat wells!! Oddly after borrowing a sponge from another little Italian coffee house we managed to soak up most of the puddles so we weren't actually sitting in water but nevertheless it was still very very damp....... rather than driving via Hoxton on the way back we went straight home.

In the evening watched Twelve Monkeys as Pete had never seen it and was reminded how good a film it is as I'd forgotten most of it anyway.....

so might pop along to Field & Trek to purchase a suitably expensive waterproof...........

Feeling very lively and bouncy today and suddenly amazed that I am 45. How on earth did that happen?? Anyway decided to impart the secrets of eternal youth..... well this is what has worked for me anyway! And without being too vain or stuff like that I reckon I'm not doing too badly for someone who has attained this age......... oh dyed my hair red this weekend.... mmmmmmmmmm not too sure about it so giving it a week to either get used to it or decide to go back to the more 'normal' brown!

Anyway I digress........ what has got me feeling sprightly and youthful mid forties......... is a recipe made up of;

a plentiful supply of alcohol
sitting under a hot sun whenever possible
drugs (a bigger variety the better, spread over at least 30 years!)
financial hardship.... (the more of a struggle the better i guess... cuts out unnecessary expenditure on stuff like cakes )
and loads of frenetic shagging

seems to have worked for me

Well I like the new look, seems much neater and cleaner but I'm really struggling with the top line! can't find an appropriate code to complete the border?? Oh well! Nice font I think. Gill sans.... very clean indeed

I'm keeping the stones, and no I'm not refering to that band but to the image at the top of this blog... it was part of the original template .... and still in keeping somehow....... a nice link to the weekend ahead.. Pete and I are off camping, heading off tonight on a Honda Hornet with tent in panniers! We really haven't given too much thought as to where we are going, it's more a 'getting away from' idea rather than a 'going to.. ' so this afternoon I have randomly selected some maps and Dorset seems to have landed on top!........ there are stones there are there not? Big ones! and fossils on beaches and a coastline and beaches and cliffs and beaches ......... ahhhhhhhhh cliffs.......... seems a good choice! Hardly heading off in search of stones but hopefully will trip over a few.........

Time to start working on this blog, a bit of an update is required and as the boss is out today it seems the ideal oportunity.......

just did a google search for Delilah's Palaver and it came up!! Whether this is because blogger and google are now inextricably linked or because there are a few more links to the actual page I guess I just wont ever know, but I like to think it's the latter!!

profound thought of the weekend was:

'There is a little bit of a rebel even in the most innocuous looking biker'

came about because I was in the shop and realised that even the dullest of biker must have a bit of ummmmph about him just because he actually is out there riding a bike! Ergo they can't be completely dull!....ok maybe I was a little bored!!

hmmm its tuesday afternoon and sadly I am bored....... new job is sort of ok.... getting busier mostly but but but (and my god is there always a but !!!) can't really motivate myself to go looking for stuff to do as it's all fairly inconsequential

oh well...... life is trundling along, getting used to some stuff but have this underlying feeling that I want to go home. I have had a bit of fun but now I want it to return to normality and hide away with my own things, in my own place... the only way to describe the feeling is by saying I want to go home. Trouble is I left home and am supposedly building a new one here but its not emminently comfortable yet, it's not utterly familiar, so I feel a little like a spare part yet to discover my niche.

London is a good place to be though, I am not miserable and wallowing in despair here far from it. life is fun, dynamic and very sociable!! with lots of accompanying exclamation marks. god I sound like a true whinger! I want a bit of normality, of familiarity. though I suppose when it comes when this place does feel like home I will start looking elsewhere..... endless striving is particularly pointless -as is endless waffling. so I will go now and find something useful to do

Walked home from work Tuesday night. and it was thoroughly pleasant! Hadn't intended to walk quite so far. Originally planned to walk to London Bridge but discovered The Thames Path, so enjoyed a little stroll along by the river. Then realised that to get to London Bridge I would have to back track quite a bit..... as Tower Bridge was in sight I decided to head for that so had to walk around the Tower which was very pleasant if a little touristy!! The walk after Tower Bridge was mostly continuing along the Thames Path, it was sunny and most enjoyable, a vast improvement from the walk home in Cambridge which included mostly council estates!

Where to start??

Have now been living in London for a week and a half and already it is becoming more familiar. Feel more relaxed about stuff now, the job seems ok.... maybe not utterly dynamic but pleasant enough which at the moment is as much as I need!! There are still worries about the boys in Cambridge as Jake is still off work and Josh hasn't got a job yet but I am trying not to focus too much on that and to concentrate on stuff that is happening here.

Four days left here....... difficult to fully absorb the enormity of finally leaving Cambridgeshire! Maybe London isn't too far away but it's a whole new world to explore and experience

The weekend has been utterly lovely, with Friday night starting off at the shop in Bermondsey, not so many people turned up but it was decided at some point around 11 to head to Chelsea Bridge. Now, in my naivity, I just assumed that the half dozen or so of us would go to this bridge maybe one or two of them would try the wheelie thing and that would be it. Well, we did all ride down there together, though Pete decided to go on the Quad bike which was hilarious. He led for most of the trip -people were being very polite and not just racing past him. It was really quite odd to be part of a group of 'bikers'..... very buzzy! So we arrived at Chelsea Bridge and it was a full, heaving mass of bikers!! They ranged from grey beardy blokes on big Harleys to teenagers on scooters. The lads on scooters spent most of their time wheelying across the bridge ... there was a strange smell of burning rubber and the buzz of a large gathering! Very odd, and it happens every friday night!
We then, as a team, headed into Soho and found coffee at 'Bar Italia', sat on a doorstep and watched the world go past at 2 am

Congratulations to Neela and Sacha for the arrival of..... a new person

How about Nezzah! Ok so maybe I have used the last bit of Nebuccanezzah! but I think it looks like a proper name!!!


and I have managed to get a job, starting on the 14th of April!!!! working ....... don't laugh! .........for a fashion company! Well maybe not at the height of fashion as they make silk ties and cashmere scarves but its better than reproductive biology!!!! Its in the grubby part of London that hides in the shadow of the Barbican which actually isn't too difficult to get to from Rotherhithe..... so that's the job thing sorted now we just have to fix up the boat!

Monday again .... and once again the weather has been wonderful! Even dozed off in the sun on saturday afternoon!


It has been a quieter weekend, went to a party in Maida Vale friday night...... it was Jamie's, Pete's mechanic, 30th birthday...... fairly pleasant affair, nice to see Nina again. As Nina is Matty's girlfirend and Matty has been in Dubai for 5 or 6 weeks she hasn't been around but she will venture to the bike shop for next friday's bike do...... definitely want more females to go as the conversation does become rather biased towards biking things with a pile of leatherclad bikers discussing weird stuff about the greasy workings of supermotards....... ?

Sunday was Mothers Day so I had to go home and be a mother! J &J cooked roast lamb... it was very pleasant though I found their insistence that I could not help quite difficult to cope with!

the afternoon

what is going on in the world of knickers????? Is it that long ago I bought new ones? but had a little wander into the Grafton centre to purchase a number of such items and find the choice is limited to thongs or big pants, there seems little in between and maybe I'm just too old or not so very adaptable but thongs are a laughable commodity and I can never forsee the day when I would purchase something that will sit uncomfortably in my bottom all day long, it just doesn't make sense and so I am unable to conform to that present little fashion pecadillo. But big pants! ahhhhhh cant cope with them either??

hmmmm yes H had a scan but didn't see it herself, though J did... this must be so traumatic?? a very difficult time for both of them

and on to another matter only somewhat ambiguously linked...... favourite babies names! well maybe not all of them are serious, or any in fact!

Murdo......... can you imagine a child at school being called this!!!!!
Mungo......
Shebah........
Yitsak........ had to have that one on the list
Noah... met one the other day, he was tall and extremely skinny with a very big nose
Murdoch....... seem to be having a run on names starting with Mu for some reason
Lili...........
Neemah......think I made that one up?
and last but not ever forgotten
Nebuccanezzah....... though think this one could be spelt in sooooooo many different ways

Its probably a good job I am planning no more myself!!!

Friday and the sun is shining....... had another job interview this week and once again didn't get it. next week I'm going for yet another one, this time as a receptionist! But it pays as much as anything else I've applied for, it's in Moorgate which will be 20 minutes away and so I will go along for the interview... dont really want it though, I dont want to be an invisible person. Sometimes wonder if I will ever be regarded, in employment terms, as anything more than fluffy... dont ever seem to get interviews for jobs I actually want, for positions that will challenge and not leave me bored to tears after a couple of months?? Will have to concentrate on stuff outside work but I do feel that I am a vast underdeveloped potential..... I managed to get a good degree whilst working and being a single parent of two kids. so why am I only considered capable of 'meeting and greeting' ordering lunches and shuffling paper around? How on earth do I get a foot into a more interesting world?

the weekend has been good........... weather has been more than springlike, there have been positive hints of summer about some of it. I was actually wandering around with naked shoulders! and this is still March! Actually cleaned up Pete's patio furniture and basked whalelike on his balcony for a while which was very pleasant.......

Had a new toy to play with... a quad bike that is 'street-legal' it has indicators, lights and is registered for road use!!! Very nippy between cars! Ok to drive/ride it with a car license but still need to wear a helmet......

The boat........... it moved!! it didn't really go far but is now facing the opposite direction! Unfortunately because there is so little ballast the rudder is out of the water...... so you cant steer it!! As this type of boat is basically meant to carry tons of cargo it is easier to steer when full..... so we need to either pour concrete into it or some similarly heavy stuff! Apparently for the purist concrete isn't such a good idea ......... I guess because once set its impossible to move?? Anyway Island Hope is rather a heap at the moment -an unsteerable heap!! hmmmmmmmmm it's going to be an interesting summer.

so whilst I'm worrying about what bathroom to install and what colour flooring, this country is at war. At war not defending anyone or any principle, but at war because ........ why? Because the US wants to retain power.... and the UK just follows along....... and people in Baghdad write blogs describing their daily lives. We are told we are on terror alert but the threat doesn't come from the people of Baghdad, the very people we are bombing, they are more concerned with survival and Iraq, as a nation, does not have the weaponry to damage our lives. And yet we are at war...........

Just added a new blog to look at ... this one is a blogger in Baghdad, definitely an interesting perspective!

Get the boat tomorrow! We're busy having conversations that include stuff like, 'well just how big is a bathroom?' and 'howabout purple rubber flooring?' hmmmmm

The weather is so glorious at the moment I'm struggling to stay inside at work, desperate to be outside.

Taking my CBT very soon, so I will be able to ride up to a 125 cc bike which should be cool!! Do I need leather trousers I wonder, can I face the thought of leather trousers???!!!!

Godfather gig tonight, to go or not to go, that is the question........

Reading 'How to be good' by Nick Hornby

....... (continuing the theme of past events and catching up)......

friday found me watching some of the comic relief stuff in the offices of the Flying Squad!! This provided as much interesting conversation as was on the TV! In fact it was a bit like being in The Bill or some such similar cop programme, with burly blokes wandering around in t-shirts and bullet proof vests, ordering pizza's and discussing the rights and wrongs of shooting villians! Ended up there simply because Pete had been putting some cheques into his bank account when the bank was robbed. He got out and the area was cordoned off as the bank robbers were stuck inside the building. Trouble was his motorbike was left outside the bank not locked to anything..... so he imagined that as soon as the area was 'uncordoned' (? now is that a real word?) the bike would be stolen. So we went back in the evening to see if we could rescue it. As soon as the police discovered he was an actual witness they decided they needed a statement from him, even though he really hadn't seen anything, hence my hanging around watching tv ......anyway we got the bike back, the robbers were arrested and comic relief was its usual somewhat antclimatic self..........

More importantly!!!!!!!!!!!! finally got to see inside the boat 'Island Hope'... and Pete is buying it at this very moment in time (I hope) so my new home will be a 70 ft by 14 ft Humber barge!!! Needs lots of work too! mmmmmm will have to develop new skills... like welding!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday. and the last couple of days have been interesting indeed, in a somewhat dramatic way! hmmmm where to start??

Last posting was thursday..... soon after that I phoned home and discovered that Jake had been run over!! A hit and run no less!! Ahhhhhhh apparently the previous night J,J and Hayley were out, Jake set off for the Cow to get a carryout and got hit by a car, he doesn't seem to remember much about it, but apparently he actually got thrown over the roof and landed head first behind the vehicle which sped off into the night. This was on Kings Street a quiet little one way street in the centre of Cambridge. The car behind pulled up and called an ambulance Josh and Hayley arrived to find Jake unconscious!! He sort of came around quite quickly but has broken his collar bone..... so that means at least 6 weeks of rest, no work!

Thursday again...!

Second interview yesterday and once again I thought it went well but but but..... they said they would make the decision yesterday and let me know... I still haven't heard! This either means I'm still in the running and they are having a tough job deciding OR........ I was so crap they can't be bothered to communicate with me ever again!!!!! Will the mobile ring????????

Heard a seagull yesterday too.... in central London, so it's not just a seaside thing!

Had an excellent meal last night in a little deli in Rotherhithe....... only one menu, 5 tables....... very 'inimate' indeed! Got talking to others and ended up, after dinner, having a look in a gallery at one of the fellow diners latest exhibition. Jane Deakin's paintings were colourful, some very big. ... mostly flowers and still life with a few landscapes and abstracts........... interesting work! A good way to spend an evening!

Just bought Exhibitionism by Toby Litt a very amusing read

hmmmmm had a job interview yesterday....... it is so difficult to tell how well it all went, would it be too confident to say it went well? It seemed to, but who knows?? I will find out soon enough next week..... now feel the need to apply for loads more as it has really boosted my confidence......... went shopping too, for 'proper' clothes......... avoided the black suit thing and ended up getting a light grey suit with a pink t-shirt. barely appropriate I know but cant change totally overnight! Got a pink coat too which I utterly love!!! it is absolutley gorgeous and as I have avoided this whole shopping thing studiously for so many years it was a pure delight to be frivolous!

Trying to add some books to the list and it's just not working so will add them here in the meantime

Monday, March 03, 2003

Monday, back at work again. Got here at 10.15 which was a bit late, trains seemed particularly slow.......

The weekend was good, think we might have found our boat.. a 70ft x 14ft dutch barge that is moored in north London, very very rusty with broken windows and not too pretty at the moment but it could be just what we are looking for... the size is good and it supposedly has a good hull.. could be my next home! The plan is to live there straight away albeit in a very basic way and get it weatherproof by the winter. Hopefully we'll get a mooring in Greenland Dock...I have a very idealised image of this lifestyle, hopefully reality will not be too different........ really looking forward to doing it up to live in, working with Pete should be good. We seem to have very similar ideas about the design of it and materials we want ........

An observation....... there are always seagulls living inland... see a few flying past my bedroom window in Cambridge on a regular basis...... but realise that one thing that signifies being 'at the seaside' is the raucous cry of gulls.......the smell of the sea and the call of the seagulls somehow are inextricably linked..... now I suddenly realised that inland gulls do not make the same easily identifiable noise?????? Is it that I just don't hear it, blanking it out with all the other urban sounds perhaps? or do gulls only make a noise when at the seaside?

Friday again.. this week has passed blissfully quickly. It has mostly been taken up with looking for jobs, making some online applications... not much feedback so far but I'm still hoping.

Wednesday, Pete drove the fun car to Cambridge and I was quite surprised by the reactions received as we drove around town, they were the same as the Bermondsey reactions!! Something about the car makes people want to leap up to us at junctions asking details about it's engine, or to call out 'nice car' whilst we are driving along. It brings out really positive, happy comments from people. I have travelled around in cute old cars before like Phil's Austin 7 but that never attracted half the attention of the fun car!! Somehow I was surprised that it illicited the same response from Cambridgians as the rather more vocal south Londoners. Odd!

What was even odder was returning home to find Josh and Hayley playing Scrabble... seemed so civilised and 'couply' -very sweet!!!! Love ya loads Josh! (I know you are reading this so I have probably embarrased you even more. But I do think that that is one of my main functons now you are an adult...... still haven't brought out the really cute but very naked pictures of you as a chubby toddler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then there was Jake! Well he had been a quiet child but now seems to be ummmmmmmm well shall I blame Jackass????? He had another blackeye this morning, over and above the one that was slowly disappearing..... and how did hew get it? Well at least this time he didn't hit himself but it sounds stupidly similar, he was 'larking around'?? whatever that means??......... no hope!

So I am off to London again for the weekend......

mmmm having a problem with the phrase 'at your age'. what does this mean? What sort of behaviour is 'suitable' for someone my age? This weekend I have been clubbing. Pete and I went to 'the fridge' a club in Brixton. We got there about 2 am and danced until the end... it was bloody good...... clubs are different nowadays.......... there's lots of water to consume for one, a chillout area and whether it was just this night but there was loads of space to dance.This was quite difficult as i am used to doing my stuff within a confined space within a heaving mass of humanity. i found it really difficult to dance on the periphery, felt too alone. so had to head into the center where there was at least a semblance of a heaving mass.... even tho' people around sort of stopped every so often to drink/socialise/ have a cup of tea???. Realise why it's called the fridge tho', the air contitioning was incredibly efficient, at times it was actually quite chilly!......anyway it was good to dance. Left about 6am and then 5 minutes later the van ran out of petrol. This entailed us wandering around Brixton at 6 am looking for a petrol station. Actually realised this is a rather lovely time to be up, haven't been up at this time for ages. it's a sort of refreshing start to the day.....


Later found us having lunch within sight of Tower Bridge and that strange poddy-looking building that is at present being erected in central London. What is it? Anyway the food was excellent, and the wine went down incredibly well, so we staggered laughingly back, stopping in 'The Mayflower' for further alcohol - probably not wise but rationality becomes diminished after a lunchtime bottle of wine...... now back at Pete's in Rotherhithe......listening to 'Parklife' by Blur and realise it is nothing other than a classic! So it has been an utterly wonderful weekend!!!

Electronic dependency can be quite onerous!!!!!!!!! My 'home' email system is down and I find it utterly frustrating to not be able to read my daily emails...... not that there will be anything there of any great importance but at least there is the potential! A bit like getting the phone cut off in days of yore when it was the only form of immediate communication with the outside world..... as a single parent the telephone was my lifesource, vitally important on the many nights that there was no baby sitter arranged and as I was the single adult representative in my household it was imperative that I communicated beyond its confines or I would have gone mad. Well maybe it's not quite so bad today that I dont have email. I am, after all, at work, communicating with other adults on a daily basis and I have my mobile phone in my pocket so communication is also possible from elsewhere..... so what am I moaning about??????? Think it's merely a matter of the loss of potential, rather than the cutting of my lifeline-to-the-world scenario that having the phone cut off used to represent. hmmmmmmm will go back to work and stop moaning, things are sooooo much better than they used to be which is a cheery note to end on.

Further escapades of Josh and Jake: it gets worse!! hmmmmmmmm this motherhood thing has become hmmmmm shall we say ... tiresome! I have a small flat that I live in in the week whilst spending the weekends in London. My two sons, with now the addition of a girlfriend, are living there full-time. So I arrive back Monday night after work to find......... dishes neatly stacked, unwashed, above the dishwasher, a whole weekend's worth........ a bathroom floor that is no longer visible because of books, clothing, magazines and general debris....... all the windows wide open because, I guess, someone has been smoking....... a lounge that looks like it is the repository for an Indian restaurant's left-overs and then as I survey the carnage the phone rings..... it is blockbuster video kindly reminding me that there are videos due back amassing vast sums of arrears.But that is not all!

Last night they went to see a show with Steve-O from Jackass...... Jake now has a black eye and Josh was thoroughly beaten up, after being thrown out of the theatre! I haven't actually seen him yet, he was hiding this morning, tho' apparently he has a couple of cuts to the face and some bruising!! After going to the theatre!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fascinating article by George Monbiot in the Guardian today, he gives possibly the real reasons behind the US's determination to go to war in Iraq. It is a logical read, using a lecture by David Harvey in Oxford, and, of course, the reasons are nothing to do with a desire to help the Iraqi people, chemical weapon use or even really much to do with Saddam Hussein, just much more about maintaining American dominance and economic superiority. At last an article that makes sense of it all!!

Adding a godfather link as the boys have got a new web page and it looks pretty good..... worth checking out the sound too!

The weekend was good. ............ nice meal on friday night. Pete had got me a card and it wasn't the fluffy pink kitten sort so that was a relief......

Saturday met up with Hannah and went for a walk with, supposedly, 2 million others down past Westminster and along to Hyde Park. Amazing amount of noise that came in waves, like a Mexican wave of sound flowing through the crowds. Walking tho' was cold as it was at such a slow pace because of the vast numbers of people, and the people came in all shapes, sizes and ages. Oddly for a protest rally there was little strident screaming of radical slogans, more a gentle hummmm of dissent... it was such a mixed bag of sorts there. Some had made such an effort with beautiful banners or papier mache massive head models of Blair and Bush ... lots of banners simply saying no to war... others with quirkier phrases such as 'Make tea not war' which I rather liked. It was a good feeling being part of a collective gathered to say no........ whether it will make a jot of difference I don't know but I felt it had to be done. That I actually felt the need to show my disquiet with some action and to be able to walk past such an historic place made it quite an emotional event really. Pretty weird......

Feeling much more resigned to it all today. If I am to be a grandmother then fair enough.....It might make Josh grow up a bit,or it might not, we will just have to see..... Need to get back on track with thoughts of moving to London and what to do with my flat and how to find a job....... get focussed

Pete phoned.. it made me cry......... just what is wrong with me ??????


Plan to go on the protest on saturday... hope its a peaceful jaunt!

it is very difficult to see beyond the moment. right now I feel total despondancy and can see no further than that, that is my complete reality. Yet next week ...

hmmmmm back to reality with a horrible crash this week.. and reality is grey indeed. Had a screaming rant this morning and cried all the way to work, still feel close to the edge now...... how to remain cheerful and not wallow in a pit of despair... I guess I just have to try smiling and realise that loads of good stuff is still happening.....

Wasting work time by messing around with the colours here..... think it looks loads better.....

Another day....... but how things can change!! Josh is staying at the flat at the moment, arrived sometime in the weekend when I was in London. The job in Oxford fell through and as they gave up their flat in Cambridge he and Hayley now have nowhere to live hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm that's not the half of it!!! Hayley, at 17, is now pregnant and, it seems, wants to keep the baby, Josh wants her to have an abortion and I can really see his arguement. They have no work, no home both still very young and irresponsible... What to say?????? How to react?????

Got thoroughly lost on saturday night. in the fun car!! It's the sort of car that draws attention...... dead funny to stop at a junction and have pedestrians ask about the car and compliment it! but after driving round in ever increasing circles I just wanted to see something familiar.. eventually found my way back to Pete's flat, remember saying something once about how useful it is to get lost in a new place as then you finally start to get to know it! hmmmmmmmmmmmm well I must be really getting to know Rotherhithe !

Monday again.. back at work and hating it. I really don't care any more about this job, was late arriving this morning and have been told off this afternoon and I don't care. I am thoroughly fed up with shuffling papers around, with pointless emails and turgid scientificspeak... Saw a job ad for a paramedic in London.....now that would be different..... messy too but at least it wouldn't be boring!

Another week half over.. already in February....... its all going too quickly

Excellent looks like I'm up and running again, though will have to reinstate all the old changes which will take some time .. the archived pages still have the old links...... but if this happens again try my new blog...... Beyond the ineffable...as an alternative

will this work?

Just had a phone call from Pete, who is at the MCN show today and he has just bought a car....... looks like loads of fun!!!!! The fun 500 extreme in blue and yellow!!

Food and pubs visited over the weekend:

Friday night we that is Pete, Matty Pete's brother, and myself, called in for a swift one in The Queens in Crouch End..... I suggested it as I have been there before with Martin, my brother, who lived in Crouch End for many years... very loud place, even spotted a celebrity but haven't a clue what his name was only that he appeared in a BBC drama about The Lakes, ok just looked it up and his name is John Simm......... Spoke to Martin on the phone and he recommended 'Chillies' an Indian restuarant that was just across the road... it was very very good... spendid flavours indeed!

Saturday..... not so good. went to pub next to Pete's in Rotherhithe called Spice Island, I ordered salmon, usually a very easy to cook, can't go wrong with it, sort of meal....hmmmmmmmmmmmm well it tasted of fishy cardboard...... not good!

Sunday night and Pete and I were too tired to do anything more than sit in a local noodle bar drink a bit of beer and eat noodles, and they were very nice... though I really was soooo tired

Busy weekend, definitely lots of people watching.. and some very strange people to watch as well....... came to the decision that there must be a specialised bikers shop that sells leathers for fat blokes.... ones that have extra panels sewn in to cover beer bellies! But the food on sale at the bike show was all meaty/fatty unhealthy stuff ........... so maybe there's a very simple explanation... anyway it was a good weekend in that it was totally different to any I have experienced before... and it's always good to do different............

Arrived back to Pete's flat at about 3.30 am after setting up the stand on friday night and stood on the balcony. it overlooks the river and it was just getting light..... watched a fox wandering around, looking very comfortable in its urban setting..... !!


Just read an article in the Guardian about 'financial phobia' a study has been done at Cambridge University which confirms my ideas about what I termed 'burearochrophobia' (see oct 22 in my archive)... and quite high percentages of people suffer from it..... I am not alone in my fear of the bank statement!!!!!!!!

It's time to finish work but I feel little inclined to head home just yet. Got into Cambridge late this morning and felt really miserable..... just didn't really want to come back here. Unfortunately I need to find a job before I can really think about getting away and I didn't get an interview for the ICA job....... bit worrying that but maybe the people that did get short-listed had a much stronger arts background, whereas my background is hmmmmmmmmm somewhat eclectic!

Anyway looking forward to the weekend... going to a bike show at Alexandra Palace as Pete has a stand there, though quite how long I'll be there for I just don't know. I imagine it will be fairly fascinating just doing some people watching!

hmmm it's been ages.... time is flying and all that...... actually been busy, having fun getting out so its all good stuff......

Caught up with a couple of people recently .... much nicer to say hello in 3D ...........

Have applied for a job in London.. the first of probably many....... will have to see what happens........ could be interesting

Last week went for dinner with Josh and Hayley and my ex..... it was Joshs birthday.. very pleasant evening

Jake has been promoted... and will be head barman in February!!!

Pete is still utterly sweet.... waiting for him to come round ...... heading into London tonight..... back here for work tomorrow......bit of a rush!

This years line has got to be:

Fight the automatic response!

Yes I know it was coined in 2001 but it is still utterly appropriate and will become my mantra, unless of course the automatic response is the correct response... maybe it should be qualified to 'think about the automatic response', or merely 'question any response automatic or otherwise'??????? Somehow I think this mantra has fundamental flaws!!!

Back at work and not enjoying it at all. Started looking for a different job ... in a different location too! I will be leaving Cambridge at some point this year, of that I am absolutely certain but just where I will end up ??????????? hmmmmmmmm It will be an interesting year!

Anyway back to the present.... New Years Eve was good..... danced with the girls, drank a minimal amount and wandered home around 2 ish... it was just what was required. The following day (yesterday) I had intended to start the clutter clearing but lazed around with Jake instead and watched an awful amount of TV. So the clutter clearing will have to start tonight, I really need to sift through all my belongings and make serious attempts to chuck out most of it. I really do not need to keep letters and gumff from 10 years ago. Or 5 years ago or from last year.....so in line with my intentions to move I need to make it as easy a transition as possible....... stuff must go!

and then there's Pete....... still in a lovely bubble as far as that is concerned, a lovely floaty little bubble of squeamishly delightful thoughts... and so as not to sound too girly and sentimental I will not gush any further...........

Happy New Year!

Once again time has passed.. it is now New Year's Eve and I am back at work..... Christmas was excellent, had a lovely time, it was very quiet fairly non-alcoholic but lovely nevertheless!

It is now a week before Christmas.. and I haven't written anything for ages... Probably because I have been away for a long weekend and been having an absolutely lovely time in the best of company..... now back at home/work and feel a little alone and deflated today...... can't all be up there on some happy smiling little bubble all the time I suppose....... but my god it has been a lovely bubble indeed! So I have been to see ART, the play, Harry Potter (2) and buzzed around London on the back of a little scooter which is certainly an excellent way to see and travel around the place. Lovely to do all this stuff but it was the company that really counted, Pete , many many thanks for making me smile so much! So, lots to write about but feeling extremely tired this afternoon. Also saw 'Wit' last night on the TV with Emma Thompson, which was an excellent film.... oddly reminded me of ivansxtc in that it dealt with death in such a matter of fact, 'lets deal with the realities of this thing' sort of way. It was very very good, although James phoned just at the end when Donne's final stanza was being spoken, so I missed the last and most utterly poignant moment that the whole production had built up to. But it was nice to hear from you James, its been weeks mate!! Oh yes another point.. anyone any good suggestions for New Year??? Pete is away skiing with his children and I would love to be able to get out...... Neela? Any suggestions????

So much has happened in the last three weeks really that it is difficult to accept any of it as reality. Last night I cooked a meal for my two sons, nothing unusual in that but everything has changed... Josh is now living in Cambridge with Hayley a very pleasant girl who I met for the first time last night.... I realise that this might not seem at all unusual .. parents meet their children's boyfriends/girlfriends all the time.. but I have never met any of Josh's ever!! Last night was the first time he brought someone home and he is 22 next month!! Weird, does this say something about how crap we are at relationships in this family I wonder??? hmmmm

You know how we can trudge on in life with an image of self, an idea of the sort of person we are and then something happens and it just makes you aware of how others see you?? Maybe that's what happened last night and is happening with the new relationship I am in with Pete... I am becoming aware of my incessant self absorption! This blog is a fine example of it indeed! I have become aware that I want to tell my story first, that I reply to text messages with stuff about what I am doing rather than with questions about 'the other'... that I dont even really listen to others stories about their lives. I must work on this as I really truely thought I was quite a caring person, that I was anything other than selfish but ummmmm no I am embarrassed to say I am as self absorbed as I accused Fabian of being. At least he was aware of his failings!! So! onwards in a self improving way .. how are you today?? I would love to hear from you about your stories/ adventures/ dreams /desires/ or even of the mundane stuff of life, the little details.......

There is other good stuff happening too.... Jake last night said he plans to be a bar manager within 3 years and I have never before heard him utter anything like an ambition !

and Pete is utterly sweet!

It's a good day today, no sign of a grey blanket anywhere! and the most important news is my eldest, Josh, has got a flat here in Cambridge. He already has the keys so is spending the next couple of days sorting his stuff and moving. The weird thing is his girlfriend is moving in with him and I still haven't met her! I presume I will though very soon!

Had a night out with the girls last night, wobbled home on the bicycle convinced I could ride perfectly normally! Ha! Pleasant evening....

Isn't it weird that you never know when the last time you sleep with someone it is the last time... only hindsight gives that sort of knowledge...

Thoughts on a sunday morning, on a very grey day....

Have had a week where, for a couple of days, I felt the Grey Blanket descend over my head and give the world a nondescript and uninteresting hue. This happens every once in a while and generally I look back and realise it is all to do with hormones. That there seems little I can do about it, it is just the way I am. But who am ? Where is the sense of continous self within those two days a month? Am I a different 'me', I certainly see the world very differently. Chemical imbalance creating a different persona, but are they both 'me'? So I was just pondering further... lets suspend disbelief for a brief moment and just suppose the idea of heaven to be a reality... what if I died on one of those pre-menstrual days and, by some stretch of the imagination, qualified for a place in heaven, would I spend the rest of eternity in a blue funk wandering around with the proverbial Grey Blanket over my head forever??????????????? Grey thoughts indeed......

It is almost the end of November! Find that difficult to believe and I really want absolutely nothing to do with the encroaching seasonal jollities! Realise I am a complete bah-humbug as far as supposed celebrations within our society..... don't do Easter/ halloween/ bonfire night or Christmas....... maybe I just don't like enforced jollities.. or maybe it's more to do with my total inability to afford any of them.. they just reinforce my inadequecies as far as material possessions are concerned?? Maybe?? Maybe I would love to go out buy presents that people actually wanted, get all the foodstuffs that are required for the day, a tree and sparkly fluffy stuff to put on it, champagne and whatever else without the awful foreboding of impending unpaid bills.. maybe it is more to do with that than anything else......

Have a full full flat but wont put too much as this will all start sounding too miserable....

Have heard from Pete, who is in France this week, so that's excellent... sweet! Looking forward to meeting up again! So it's not all gloom and doom.........

Ha! The date was good!........ second date too! There might be a third date planned soon!

Odd experience over the weekend.. downstairs neighbour complained about the noise...... we were talking in our lounge too late for her. Though in all honesty I was really surprised that there was any problem at all with the level of noise.... remained calm and friendly during the discussion but ended up being castigated as a bad mother!!!!!! Actually very shocked by the whole incident!

I joined, I chatted, I have a date.......!

Hitting high levels of superficiality, well I have to move on and pining is a complete waste of time !!!!

Set up a page on a dating site a couple of weeks ago (kiss.com)...... had a bit of interest though nothing worth replying to... last night I decided to add a couple of photo's. Bit of a problem in that I have very little recent stuff and what I do have is hideously awful. Camera's have the effect of turning my, sort of ok, face into a twisted gargoyle, think I must be the least photogenic person I know!... so what to add to this site???...... in the end I chose a photo my nephew took of me swimming underwater, no face at all! and another one of me with Jaidon And Megan (neice and nephew) where I look pretty hideous but I'm in bikini so that is a slight distraction... my god what an effect............. the letters have poured in!!!!! Trouble is I am not a full member and I cant read them!!! There must be at least 30 and I can look at the profiles of these chaps, some of whom are very very interesting! but cant read the mail... will I resist joining???

Moving on...... will have to work out how to get images on here.. that would get the brain working for an infinitesimally short space of time. A friend has recommended reading 'Contingency, irony and solidarity' by Richard Rorty, sounds a meaty read at least so I will head off to a bookshop at lunchtime and get it.

it's not just excitement and adventure....its something more elusive. The last few months I have been in a relationship, it has dwindled to nothing and what I miss is that elusive 'someone' ... A companion, someone to laugh with, someone to discuss a crap TV programme with, someone to just 'be' with.... He has gone and I miss him......... bugger!

Actually feel so bored, so bored I could scream! Funny really as it's a word I used to ban my sons from using. Used to say there is no excuse for being bored, that it's always easy to find stuff to do. Maybe this isn't quite true though. I find that my life is just not getting anywhere. That, yes, I could read a good book, and next week I'm going to see a play written by a friend, and I might get out with the girls at the weekend, or perhaps have a good conversation with my sons but it is not enough! I want more. I want excitement and adventure, I want stuff to look forward to ........... financially I'm struggling at the moment and that adds to the frustration. I can't just go away for a weekend as I just don't have the funds.............. pah!

Sometimes it is difficult to enjoy the moment...........

An observation:

Wandered into the local shop at the weekend to purchase wine. Seem to be doing this rather too frequently at the moment but that is another story entirely and one I don't particularly want to travel down at the moment. So there I was standing in line, bottle in hand, gazing around at all the consumerables that I had no desire to ever purchase, when I saw on the counter a box of sweet sugary confectionary stuff in green packets. The packets were labelled 'alien bones' or some such alien title and were obviously aimed at children. Ok, nothing unusual about that but I did notice on the side of the box the words..... '100% authentic'...... hmmmmmmmmmmm ! Now this can surely only mean one thing- that the contents of the packets did actually contain bits of aliens. What else does 100% authentic mean? So, somewhere aliens have landed and are being killed and then cut up and fed to our children?????? and we protest about GM products in the supermarkets! hmmmmmmmm!

Tempting isn't it! (Refering to previous link of 8.43 am.) Though not actually sure where Torpoint is, think its very close to Devon?? must look that up. Back at work now, and as you can tell I am working very hard!

Big hugs and sloppy wet kisses to James who has been absolutely lovely and supportive recently... and yes I will have your babies!!! I think living in the outback of Australia with an active eco-terrorist sounds just the sort of change in lifestyle I need!!!!

Today's posting seem to be developing a theme....... one of escape, change and a search for a more fulfilling lifestyle.............The only problem with changes is you need to actually do something to make them happen, do I have the energy? Though with the arrival of my eldest today I probably wont have any choice, I will need to run away!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love ya to bits Josh but I just don't know how to live with you.....

anyway back to work.. ah yes 'the non-genomic progesterone receptors in the mammalian ovary; some unresolved issues' ahhhhhhhhh fascinating!!!!!!

Just looking at some properties in Cornwall with an idea of moving to somewhere attractive to live.

Things are bad... started reading Harry Potter..... can only be a sign of desperate need to escape the world and hide away in something simple but well crafted.

have read tons. it's a form of escape and of not thinking in a way. The Whistling Woman by A S Byatt was a compulsive read. Though quite disatisfied by the ending. I was expecting something ironic at least but it ended with Frederica finding a new man. How trite is that! and the disturbing lyricism of Babel Tower just wasn't repeated... oh well!

Time has scuttled on....... single again and trying to get used to it. A bit sad though. Anyway went to see Donnie Darko last night, an excellent film indeed.