what happened to me when I was between 12 and 16 stopped me growing up.... it replaced my exploration of the world and where i stood within it with a notion that i didn't count. That I was nothing and unimportant, that how i felt about anything was immaterial. That no-one could love me as i was unloveable, that I would not do well as i was stupid, klutzy and just crap.... and that is what i carried with me on my adventures... and rather unsurprisingly they were pretty futile and crappy little adventures....

and so i left home, married, had babies, got jobs and all the while carried my crappy baggage along with me.... and so relationships floundered because if something went wrong i would immediately think it was something i had done... blamed myself... then got cross with myself and so blamed the other as i couldnt work out what i had done wrong.. then got cross with myself as that wasn't right.. so ended the relationship... neither liking myself nor my lover/partner as how could they be a person to respect when they were actually saying they loved me.. and i was obviously such a worthless waste of space.... and so it continued.. i applied for a job.... got it.. then got bored/was lazy.. as i had no expectations of myself and as i put in little effort the job became boring.... justifying my little effort in such a worthless job

at university i left things late, handed in first drafts as if they were complete essays and somehow scraped through... but because i was so lazy and hadn't revised/worked at it.. if i got a pass mark it immediately devalued the course as i had so not put in any effort and had still passed.... so it all became a bit pointless... and afterwards because i so undervalued the course i didn't apply for any worthwhile jobs.. or was unable to sell myself well in job applications.. so i didn't get/apply for anything that would hold my interest....

and all of this became cyclical and repetative... i didn't get a decent job so i went back to university.. got another course under my belt but was still unable to know how to make the appropriate effort in looking for work/finding interesting work...

relationships floundered again and again... i liked myself as a single person.. but as soon as someone became important to me i started trying to be the person i thought i 'should' be... ie someone they could possibly fall in love with but that wasn't me and then i started to not like me.. and how could i love someone who declared they loved this pretend creature and they would soon 'discover' the real me and leave....

and this has been going round and round and round... for over 30 years now.... i move house/leave a job/relationship/ never staying and building on something, always in search of the new... someway that would be different... but i was carrying such a negative self image...

and then i had some counselling.... and now all that has changed... immediatley... a light has been switched on in the dark murky self image basement... and i realise I'm not that bad.... that things could be worse.. that actually i am intelligent, can enthuse myself and others... can be hardworking.... am a reasonable being... weird really.... but have I left it too late?????

Recently I gave in! Capitulated to the Master of conformism, the deity of consummerism and went headlong into Marks and Spencer's in search of.... yes in search of a bra!

Now if anyone reading this wonders as to my age and is a little perplexed please remember I grew up with the instruction of 'burn your bra' being loudly sung all through my impressionable teenage years. I also found them to be particularly uncomfortable and so I have rarely worn one, preferring instead something more relaxed like a vest or t-shirt material teenbra!

But over the years I have ummmm put on a little weight and so thought that perhaps the time had come to sling up what had been unslung as maybe support was required. So Marks and Spencer's is the obvious choice of bra palace and I thought I would even request the services of one of their bra experts and get properly measured and sized up! I was accompanied in my endeavor by a twenty something friend who seemed to have no concept of the whole going braless thing as if somehow all women since history began have 'naturally' worn one of these weird garments. She led the way!

and so I followed got measured, selected two frightful pieces of lace and metal and paid money for the things. Admittedly one was a nice colour but that was a far as my fulfillment as a purchaser went.

and soooo a couple of months down the line am I wearing the dreaded things? Ha of course not! They are so uncomfortable that the only pleasure I get from them is when I take them off... they are now slowly making their way to the back of the drawer where they will eventually become hidden and unseen, deep in the dark recesses of unworn, unliked underwear!

and i am back to wearing an unsupportive cotton fabric vest! and am happy and very comfortable thank you!

What brought this to mind was an article today in the Guardian which actually states that the wearing of the bra actually means more sag rather than less sag so Pah! to wearing something that must have been designed by a man who would never have to wear the thing! and actually makes no sense at all... hoorah for those old burn your bra days! They have saved me from a lifetime of uncomfortable, expensive and completely unnecessary purchases!

hmmmmm just feel the need to write and wonder just who should i address a letter to?

You see I am an active supporter of Greenpeace and i think it's a great organisation! It not only highlights environmental issues but it comes up with ways to change wrongs and to suggest a new way forward.... for companies, for individuals for governments

but but but.. oh there is always a BUT!

internships! yes greenpeace has interns!

generally they are lovely people that take up these prestigious roles, they are happy, dynamic and intelligent people full of passion about the world

But but but!

internships are illegal.... no-one should be doing a full time job for NO pay! Nobody!

oh and it does also perpetuate a corrupt system, one that disadvantages so many!

It is wrong.. there is no other way to describe it.. and I am saddened that Greenpeace capitalises on such an illegal, unequal, elitist practice

saddened that they think it is ok

new year new excitements!

already february and the weekend felt slightly springlike...
had two good walks
one near truro....daffodils and waterbirds
the other coastal with dolphins and seals!

splendid!

have a new webpage, a new fb page and am tweeting for wayfind

and it is rather exciting

what wil come of it i just dont know

but the ball has started rolling

feeling dislocated

in a non place

with non people

shifting through the day

invisible

untouched

unheard

non person


and so reaching out

into invisible ether

pointless

pointless

pointless

swimming....

went for a swim monday on the 1st of october.. and it wasn't too cold! the sun was shining and so it seemed imperative to get in the water.. might be the last of the year xx

pondering magic

hmmmmm pondering my recent meeting with the guitarist and comparing it to the internet date i had this week which was unexciting to say the least.. Mr Guitarist man and i talked all night... non-stop... so much to say.. so much to find out... so much to admire... but.. and oh yes there is always a but.. he is married... and actually seemed a good man.. we just talked... and yet i will treasure the meeting... as i realise that such meetings are rare. and should be treasured...

perhaps the advantage of this meeting is.. it cannot be spoiled... the magic will not die.. we will not meet again.. we will not argue.. we will not split up...

it will always be a little touch of magic.... and that is very very special

another catch up

hmmmm and now the whole blogspot thing has changed?? hoping I will be able to resume posting


hmmmm quiet times... sort of....

it is now autumn.. summer disappeared in a puddle of disappointment.. one good week when N and children visited...that was lovely

the cambridge folk festival.. disaster! never going back there.. such a fuddy duddy festival... and there were too many tears... found it difficult to accept A's death.... terrible indeed

returned and had to move NS out of my house.. he so overstayed any original welcome and so didn't understand my need for at least a little space.. another disaster! and it got so stressy!!

and so now M has moved in and there is a certain companionableness (?) that is comfortable and she is away most weekends so i have plenty of time and space...

and work.. another disaster.... hmmmmm think that is the word that sums up this year!.. so far...

today I am heading into Lostwithiel to find a Green Party meeting.. it will be my first.. so it could be interesting to get involved with local politics! and actually the one majorly good thing that has happened this year has involved greenpeace and lots of lovely actions and festivals! that has been my mainstay against complete disarray!

and i have decided that i need a back up plan... i am giving cornwall another year.. and if i haven't found the right work place/hours/creative space... then I am heading back to cambridge and taking a part time degree in archaeology ...


had an hilarious moment in St Ives... somehow found myself at a post gig party and was thoroughly enjoying the company of the guitarist... all very staid and innocent nevertheless.. but snuck out of the hotel at 8 in the morning with the biggest grin ever... ha! made me laugh so much.. and kept me in a nice little bubble for a week or so! need more of those bubbles!

right that's it.. up to date.... no job no man but a nice comfortable house in a seaside/university town... not so bad after all and


more especially hoorah!!! Delilah is almost 10 years old!!!!! might have to re-read some of it...

oh oh oh there are times recently when i feel I have run out of words...

I no longer read anything...

I listen more.. to radio...
but I do not read...

and this worries me.

is it a more general lack of concentration due to internet use over the year, to googling and youtube? or is it a more personal thing?

I am painting more and spending perhaps a little too long tweeting and facebooking...

perhaps my inability to write coherent sentences is a reflection of my incoherent mind wandering and skipping along...

this week has been difficult...

i will write more...

i need to write more...

to restart that incessant chatter that I used to expunge onto these pages...

i will start with last week...

oh dear oh dear think there is a repeating pattern going on with work and relationships.... am uninvolving again and have downloaded a few job apps... but the story unfolds further...

and there is other news

not only a new day.. a new job


but also a new love.....

and its a gorgeous supportive happy love

it feels good and right and... well lovely!

to neil xxxx

it's a new year! a new day! a new ... job

have been in taunton for a couple of days engaged in a big search for a job... and i got offered an 11 month contract... and i am struggling to be happy with it and not to feel sorry for myself... i applied for a permanent position and have built up lots of issues about not getting offered a permanent job..... and once again.... pah!

otherwise it would be good news.. 11 months is better than 1 month.. but i am actually very sad to be leaving the rights of way office... very very sad

ha and as usual... all a bit of a disaster... but I now have a possible climbing partner.... and since then.... have had an afternoon peruse of the Tate modern.... not so impressed by the tacita dean film... but tarryn (?)Simon were quite remarkable.. or maybe some of the non photographs.... lots of austere faces...

and tehn ah ha i almost said 'home' i was back in the south east, the flatlands..... all that sky and arableness.... brief stop over to pick up car.. drove back

and then i have been miserable... am trying to fill job apps as i will be out of work by the end of the month.. and i am tired, very tired with tears brimming at inappropriate times.... almost just want to stop.... and rest

and so the process of coming to terms with the death of a difficult person and yet a close family member gets more measured.... i decided i wanted to do the eulogy because it has always seemed strange that an unknown person stands up and sums up the life... how can they do that?

but how to say something positive? and so I mulled this over quite deeply and came up with the idea of our inheritance....

and ended up with the eulogy below and actually it made me feel good
Anna and i had organised the funeral and we actually enjoyed it.... it went well, the church was lovely ... and mum seemed happy with it all

she put 'Rest peacefully' on her card.... and in the middle of last night i suddenly pondered this.... she chose her words very carefully... and i love that she was hoping, asking for peace ... for him....

06.09.2011


Thanks

Thanks for making the journey here, it is lovely to see people although sadly unfortunate too.

Also I on behalf of mum and the rest of the family would like to thank the Rector and the church...initially it was a surprise that dad had requested a burial in a church and here in Newton......  and so Anna and I came exploring ..... the day after dad died.... to actually try to find out more about dad’s request. As soon as we saw the church we felt it was ‘right’ and totally understood why dad had spoken of being buried here.

Dad and God

moving  on to the knotty question of dad and christian beliefs...  This too was a little bit of a surprise, I wondered how much of a Pascals wager it was maybe but thinking about conversations with dad we also came to realise that how sincere in his belief he had become and maybe had been in his past too... before his marriage he played in church bands... perhaps it wasn’t just about the music??

Childhood

I want to say thanks to dad (and of course to mum here too!)  for an ideal childhood It was the best, we had such a lovely foundation and that was thanks to the team that was Mum AND dad  as it is difficult to split the responsibility and so once again it is time to say thanks to both of them.... we were encouraged to be independent, adventurous and questioning .... maybe dad didn’t like my questioning of authority when i was challenging his but he really was an excellent role model in this.... perhaps to an 11 yr old it was slightly embarrassing to have a dad drive up in a moskvitch ( a russian car) wearing a little astrakhan hat but that was dad and he was an individual! always an individual.... and what 11 yr old is not embarrassed by a parent so you might as well have one that has strong political convictions who stands up for what he believes in!

Granchildren

photographs.. dad carried a little selection of photographs with him at all times and I looked at this last week... he has managed to get some gorgeous photographs there.. you know the ones where everyone is smiling and looking their best.. those rare ones! and he showed these photographs with almost embarassing regularity to so many people! He was proud of his family and I know his grandchildren will hold very affectionate memories of him ..... I know josh and jake had some excellent conversations late into the night with him that they will treasure.... jaidon and Megan sadly missed this late night side to dad but i know they will also hold affectionate memories of his constant tea drinking and various little pecadilloes! his grandchildren were able to appreciate his sense of humour too!

Music

I must also mention his love of music as it wasn’t just the politics! .... and this too has been our inheritence.... Martin, Anna and myself  have inherited this love although once again we have done this in our own very individual ways... and this is the key... and maybe the most important ....... Dad was pretty unique and if we inherit anything then being able to stand up for ourselves, not take any nonsense, and  say what we think would be fairly useful!

and so to speak of his passing.... it was as if he chose his time, he had become tired.. his body, which he had always remarked on for its strength and power, had become tired... he was ready.... and his death was thankfully peaceful …. he had reached that acceptance....

Throughout this what i have wanted to emphasise was dad’s uniqueness and individuality.. to us he was and always will be a little bit of a legend!

Goodbye dad

hmmmm what do you say about a life?

My dad is dead and words will need to be said at his funeral...

a eulogy no less, a summing up of a whole lifetime into maybe 5 minutes of talking by a stranger in a church. Which is odd to start with as he was an atheist for most of his life, apparently only recently taking on the role of believer??Weird.. there goes the line about integrity....

and then the whole family man thing...

well yes he was married and had three children and four grandchildren. But his marriage was hardly a happy one. He was a domineering bully who put his own needs before any other. His last significant words to me were 'I have lost my power' and that was the last time i saw him alive. He attempted suicide by cutting his wrists and then when that failed possibly took an overdose of warfarin... he could not cope without his power, his identity as a fit athletic, strong man... that identity had withered considerably.

So his marriage was miserable and his children hated him. He neither offered help nor advice in his fatherly role, mostly denigrating his children's achievements and throwing tons of negativity their way.and so on to his grandchildren.. here there is a significant difference; they liked him, mostly, and thought he was funny! He was a funny old man to them mainly because of the loss of power. They saw the husk of his former self and therefore he was not taken seriously and they could laugh at his bluster and nastiness because he could not harm them physically. But he could still hit with his spoken barbs. he had an uncanny and highly accurate knack of judging someones weight and would announce his opinion of their size as a family member arrived to visit... he was hardly ever out by more than a couple of pounds and so he would embarrass his visitor who had maybe put on a little more weight than they wanted. Another uncanny knack was to spot a weakness and bring attention to it, loudly and in full voice... and so if there was a slight thinning of hair it would be mentioned... a lack of confidence commented on or maybe someone had had a number of jobs in quick succession .. he would invariably mention these... and not in a supportive and encouraging way....

but the grandchildren liked him.... and got support from their parents when he was rude and unwelcoming. They needed to be told not to take his insults personally but rather that it was his problem, and that he was a grumpy old man.. and the advice seemed to work...

pity he didn't appreciate their affection....

and so nice words will be said and hymns will be sung

and afterwards the house will feel welcoming and happy

for the first time ever

because he has gone...

years and years ago I wrote my undergraduate dissertation entitled 'stepping into nature' it was an exploration of how people had become disassociated from the environment or nature.... and putting it very simply i concluded that for anything to change there would have to be a radical shift within our value system. As the value system puts greed and selfishness in such high esteem that they justified all sorts of behaviour that created problems; climate change, corrupt political systems.. you name it.. the whole basis of our society really.. and that if we could instead value care and nuturing to the same extent then perhaps the world could turn around... that exploitaiton of nature of other people of systems would perhaps seem less plausible, less a part of who we are as humans...

and now since then... members of parliament, bankers, journalists, as well as the disaffected urban youth involved in recent riots are playing out their roles as villians .... but.. we need to move forward to move on and away from this villification.. to find a way to be kinder, to care.. and to show others that this is the only way forward... that raging capitalism is not the answer.. we do not need more and more .. stuff...

there's much in the news about the death of Osama bin laden.... too much braggadocio and crowing really.. and i wonder... what happened to justice? I feel that the event has made a smaller man of Barak Obama... and the world is becoming a scarier place because of the loss of a lack of justice afforded bin laden. It is too easy to say that he didn't treat his victims with any sense of dignity or acknowledgment of their right to live.... why behave in the same manner, how does that make one a decent person, how does it make our system of 'democracy' and 'playing fair' stand up to critical eyes.... Bin Laden was shot in his room, unarmed.... not arrested and tried under a fair judicial system...

president truman after the second world war insisted that the Nazi leaders should be tried in a court of law, a transparent court, where their crimes could be spelt out and understood by all and their guilt decided on in a fair and equitable way..... this was considered the 'right way' to conduct such events

and so more than 50 years on and we seem to have forgotten this sense of justice... a man was shot dead, summarily executed... and thousands crowd the streets to cheer!?? where is the justice? Obama rose to the presidency on a call for change.... he promised to remove the illegal guantanamo imprisonments... he was considered a man of integrity...and now he crows over the death of an enemy? He is reduced by such an act, and becomes no better than the 'terrorist....

justice needs to be done and to be seen to be done... there was no justice here

went climbing again yesterday

and really rediscovered the excitement... recently I have been climbing low gades, v diffs or even a diff and have felt mixed about it as I am learning to overcome vertigo so although the climbs were easy and straightforward I had to come to terms with getting weirdly scared.... particularly at the top of a climb. I can no longer peer over the top of a cliff without a sensation of tumbling over

and so yesterday I climbed a vs, a much harder climb and this one had quite an exposed element to it... half way up i had a panic and thought I'd cop out as there was a diff right next to the route i was attempting, but the rope was coming from too far from the right and actually caught around a crag... so i had no choice but to head back to the right route and actually climb it. I had had some good scrambles earlier and was feeling quite strong and confident so i edged around the rock, feeling my way around a corner unable to see any foot or hand holds... luckily there was a wonderful juggy hold which enabled me to swing around the outcrop and i made it into the small gully that was the actual route.... after that it was a more simple climb upwards and i was, using the emphatic surfing terminology, 'stoked'!!! I finally feel like i am a climber again

April!

how is it time moves so quickly!

moving again.. some stuff hasn't worked.. hours have been restricted to 37 and i needed to earn a bit more, and I am still temping so earning crap... and therefore i cant really afford it... plus.. its still like a building site and has been hard work.. and I have been ill.... hmmmmmm glad it's spring and very happy to put winter behind me

and so i look for somewhere in penryn or falmouth, a place that has more of a community feel and has lots going on.... art stuff, yoga and even a chanting group!

still really enjoying work... map stuff/gis stuff

and trying out the dating thing