oh oh oh there are times recently when i feel I have run out of words...
I no longer read anything...
I listen more.. to radio...
but I do not read...
and this worries me.
is it a more general lack of concentration due to internet use over the year, to googling and youtube? or is it a more personal thing?
I am painting more and spending perhaps a little too long tweeting and facebooking...
perhaps my inability to write coherent sentences is a reflection of my incoherent mind wandering and skipping along...
this week has been difficult...
i will write more...
i need to write more...
to restart that incessant chatter that I used to expunge onto these pages...
i will start with last week...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
it's a new year! a new day! a new ... job
have been in taunton for a couple of days engaged in a big search for a job... and i got offered an 11 month contract... and i am struggling to be happy with it and not to feel sorry for myself... i applied for a permanent position and have built up lots of issues about not getting offered a permanent job..... and once again.... pah!
otherwise it would be good news.. 11 months is better than 1 month.. but i am actually very sad to be leaving the rights of way office... very very sad
have been in taunton for a couple of days engaged in a big search for a job... and i got offered an 11 month contract... and i am struggling to be happy with it and not to feel sorry for myself... i applied for a permanent position and have built up lots of issues about not getting offered a permanent job..... and once again.... pah!
otherwise it would be good news.. 11 months is better than 1 month.. but i am actually very sad to be leaving the rights of way office... very very sad
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
ha and as usual... all a bit of a disaster... but I now have a possible climbing partner.... and since then.... have had an afternoon peruse of the Tate modern.... not so impressed by the tacita dean film... but tarryn (?)Simon were quite remarkable.. or maybe some of the non photographs.... lots of austere faces...
and tehn ah ha i almost said 'home' i was back in the south east, the flatlands..... all that sky and arableness.... brief stop over to pick up car.. drove back
and then i have been miserable... am trying to fill job apps as i will be out of work by the end of the month.. and i am tired, very tired with tears brimming at inappropriate times.... almost just want to stop.... and rest
and tehn ah ha i almost said 'home' i was back in the south east, the flatlands..... all that sky and arableness.... brief stop over to pick up car.. drove back
and then i have been miserable... am trying to fill job apps as i will be out of work by the end of the month.. and i am tired, very tired with tears brimming at inappropriate times.... almost just want to stop.... and rest
Monday, September 12, 2011
and so the process of coming to terms with the death of a difficult person and yet a close family member gets more measured.... i decided i wanted to do the eulogy because it has always seemed strange that an unknown person stands up and sums up the life... how can they do that?
but how to say something positive? and so I mulled this over quite deeply and came up with the idea of our inheritance....
and ended up with the eulogy below and actually it made me feel good
Anna and i had organised the funeral and we actually enjoyed it.... it went well, the church was lovely ... and mum seemed happy with it all
she put 'Rest peacefully' on her card.... and in the middle of last night i suddenly pondered this.... she chose her words very carefully... and i love that she was hoping, asking for peace ... for him....
but how to say something positive? and so I mulled this over quite deeply and came up with the idea of our inheritance....
and ended up with the eulogy below and actually it made me feel good
Anna and i had organised the funeral and we actually enjoyed it.... it went well, the church was lovely ... and mum seemed happy with it all
she put 'Rest peacefully' on her card.... and in the middle of last night i suddenly pondered this.... she chose her words very carefully... and i love that she was hoping, asking for peace ... for him....
06.09.2011
Thanks
Thanks for making the journey here, it is lovely to see people although sadly unfortunate too.
Also I on behalf of mum and the rest of the family would like to thank the Rector and the church...initially it was a surprise that dad had requested a burial in a church and here in Newton...... and so Anna and I came exploring ..... the day after dad died.... to actually try to find out more about dad’s request. As soon as we saw the church we felt it was ‘right’ and totally understood why dad had spoken of being buried here.
Dad and God
moving on to the knotty question of dad and christian beliefs... This too was a little bit of a surprise, I wondered how much of a Pascals wager it was maybe but thinking about conversations with dad we also came to realise that how sincere in his belief he had become and maybe had been in his past too... before his marriage he played in church bands... perhaps it wasn’t just about the music??
Childhood
I want to say thanks to dad (and of course to mum here too!) for an ideal childhood It was the best, we had such a lovely foundation and that was thanks to the team that was Mum AND dad as it is difficult to split the responsibility and so once again it is time to say thanks to both of them.... we were encouraged to be independent, adventurous and questioning .... maybe dad didn’t like my questioning of authority when i was challenging his but he really was an excellent role model in this.... perhaps to an 11 yr old it was slightly embarrassing to have a dad drive up in a moskvitch ( a russian car) wearing a little astrakhan hat but that was dad and he was an individual! always an individual.... and what 11 yr old is not embarrassed by a parent so you might as well have one that has strong political convictions who stands up for what he believes in!
Granchildren
photographs.. dad carried a little selection of photographs with him at all times and I looked at this last week... he has managed to get some gorgeous photographs there.. you know the ones where everyone is smiling and looking their best.. those rare ones! and he showed these photographs with almost embarassing regularity to so many people! He was proud of his family and I know his grandchildren will hold very affectionate memories of him ..... I know josh and jake had some excellent conversations late into the night with him that they will treasure.... jaidon and Megan sadly missed this late night side to dad but i know they will also hold affectionate memories of his constant tea drinking and various little pecadilloes! his grandchildren were able to appreciate his sense of humour too!
Music
I must also mention his love of music as it wasn’t just the politics! .... and this too has been our inheritence.... Martin, Anna and myself have inherited this love although once again we have done this in our own very individual ways... and this is the key... and maybe the most important ....... Dad was pretty unique and if we inherit anything then being able to stand up for ourselves, not take any nonsense, and say what we think would be fairly useful!
and so to speak of his passing.... it was as if he chose his time, he had become tired.. his body, which he had always remarked on for its strength and power, had become tired... he was ready.... and his death was thankfully peaceful …. he had reached that acceptance....
Throughout this what i have wanted to emphasise was dad’s uniqueness and individuality.. to us he was and always will be a little bit of a legend!
Goodbye dad
Thanks
Thanks for making the journey here, it is lovely to see people although sadly unfortunate too.
Also I on behalf of mum and the rest of the family would like to thank the Rector and the church...initially it was a surprise that dad had requested a burial in a church and here in Newton...... and so Anna and I came exploring ..... the day after dad died.... to actually try to find out more about dad’s request. As soon as we saw the church we felt it was ‘right’ and totally understood why dad had spoken of being buried here.
Dad and God
moving on to the knotty question of dad and christian beliefs... This too was a little bit of a surprise, I wondered how much of a Pascals wager it was maybe but thinking about conversations with dad we also came to realise that how sincere in his belief he had become and maybe had been in his past too... before his marriage he played in church bands... perhaps it wasn’t just about the music??
Childhood
I want to say thanks to dad (and of course to mum here too!) for an ideal childhood It was the best, we had such a lovely foundation and that was thanks to the team that was Mum AND dad as it is difficult to split the responsibility and so once again it is time to say thanks to both of them.... we were encouraged to be independent, adventurous and questioning .... maybe dad didn’t like my questioning of authority when i was challenging his but he really was an excellent role model in this.... perhaps to an 11 yr old it was slightly embarrassing to have a dad drive up in a moskvitch ( a russian car) wearing a little astrakhan hat but that was dad and he was an individual! always an individual.... and what 11 yr old is not embarrassed by a parent so you might as well have one that has strong political convictions who stands up for what he believes in!
Granchildren
photographs.. dad carried a little selection of photographs with him at all times and I looked at this last week... he has managed to get some gorgeous photographs there.. you know the ones where everyone is smiling and looking their best.. those rare ones! and he showed these photographs with almost embarassing regularity to so many people! He was proud of his family and I know his grandchildren will hold very affectionate memories of him ..... I know josh and jake had some excellent conversations late into the night with him that they will treasure.... jaidon and Megan sadly missed this late night side to dad but i know they will also hold affectionate memories of his constant tea drinking and various little pecadilloes! his grandchildren were able to appreciate his sense of humour too!
Music
I must also mention his love of music as it wasn’t just the politics! .... and this too has been our inheritence.... Martin, Anna and myself have inherited this love although once again we have done this in our own very individual ways... and this is the key... and maybe the most important ....... Dad was pretty unique and if we inherit anything then being able to stand up for ourselves, not take any nonsense, and say what we think would be fairly useful!
and so to speak of his passing.... it was as if he chose his time, he had become tired.. his body, which he had always remarked on for its strength and power, had become tired... he was ready.... and his death was thankfully peaceful …. he had reached that acceptance....
Throughout this what i have wanted to emphasise was dad’s uniqueness and individuality.. to us he was and always will be a little bit of a legend!
Goodbye dad
Thursday, September 01, 2011
hmmmm what do you say about a life?
My dad is dead and words will need to be said at his funeral...
a eulogy no less, a summing up of a whole lifetime into maybe 5 minutes of talking by a stranger in a church. Which is odd to start with as he was an atheist for most of his life, apparently only recently taking on the role of believer??Weird.. there goes the line about integrity....
and then the whole family man thing...
well yes he was married and had three children and four grandchildren. But his marriage was hardly a happy one. He was a domineering bully who put his own needs before any other. His last significant words to me were 'I have lost my power' and that was the last time i saw him alive. He attempted suicide by cutting his wrists and then when that failed possibly took an overdose of warfarin... he could not cope without his power, his identity as a fit athletic, strong man... that identity had withered considerably.
So his marriage was miserable and his children hated him. He neither offered help nor advice in his fatherly role, mostly denigrating his children's achievements and throwing tons of negativity their way.and so on to his grandchildren.. here there is a significant difference; they liked him, mostly, and thought he was funny! He was a funny old man to them mainly because of the loss of power. They saw the husk of his former self and therefore he was not taken seriously and they could laugh at his bluster and nastiness because he could not harm them physically. But he could still hit with his spoken barbs. he had an uncanny and highly accurate knack of judging someones weight and would announce his opinion of their size as a family member arrived to visit... he was hardly ever out by more than a couple of pounds and so he would embarrass his visitor who had maybe put on a little more weight than they wanted. Another uncanny knack was to spot a weakness and bring attention to it, loudly and in full voice... and so if there was a slight thinning of hair it would be mentioned... a lack of confidence commented on or maybe someone had had a number of jobs in quick succession .. he would invariably mention these... and not in a supportive and encouraging way....
but the grandchildren liked him.... and got support from their parents when he was rude and unwelcoming. They needed to be told not to take his insults personally but rather that it was his problem, and that he was a grumpy old man.. and the advice seemed to work...
pity he didn't appreciate their affection....
and so nice words will be said and hymns will be sung
and afterwards the house will feel welcoming and happy
for the first time ever
because he has gone...
My dad is dead and words will need to be said at his funeral...
a eulogy no less, a summing up of a whole lifetime into maybe 5 minutes of talking by a stranger in a church. Which is odd to start with as he was an atheist for most of his life, apparently only recently taking on the role of believer??Weird.. there goes the line about integrity....
and then the whole family man thing...
well yes he was married and had three children and four grandchildren. But his marriage was hardly a happy one. He was a domineering bully who put his own needs before any other. His last significant words to me were 'I have lost my power' and that was the last time i saw him alive. He attempted suicide by cutting his wrists and then when that failed possibly took an overdose of warfarin... he could not cope without his power, his identity as a fit athletic, strong man... that identity had withered considerably.
So his marriage was miserable and his children hated him. He neither offered help nor advice in his fatherly role, mostly denigrating his children's achievements and throwing tons of negativity their way.and so on to his grandchildren.. here there is a significant difference; they liked him, mostly, and thought he was funny! He was a funny old man to them mainly because of the loss of power. They saw the husk of his former self and therefore he was not taken seriously and they could laugh at his bluster and nastiness because he could not harm them physically. But he could still hit with his spoken barbs. he had an uncanny and highly accurate knack of judging someones weight and would announce his opinion of their size as a family member arrived to visit... he was hardly ever out by more than a couple of pounds and so he would embarrass his visitor who had maybe put on a little more weight than they wanted. Another uncanny knack was to spot a weakness and bring attention to it, loudly and in full voice... and so if there was a slight thinning of hair it would be mentioned... a lack of confidence commented on or maybe someone had had a number of jobs in quick succession .. he would invariably mention these... and not in a supportive and encouraging way....
but the grandchildren liked him.... and got support from their parents when he was rude and unwelcoming. They needed to be told not to take his insults personally but rather that it was his problem, and that he was a grumpy old man.. and the advice seemed to work...
pity he didn't appreciate their affection....
and so nice words will be said and hymns will be sung
and afterwards the house will feel welcoming and happy
for the first time ever
because he has gone...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
years and years ago I wrote my undergraduate dissertation entitled 'stepping into nature' it was an exploration of how people had become disassociated from the environment or nature.... and putting it very simply i concluded that for anything to change there would have to be a radical shift within our value system. As the value system puts greed and selfishness in such high esteem that they justified all sorts of behaviour that created problems; climate change, corrupt political systems.. you name it.. the whole basis of our society really.. and that if we could instead value care and nuturing to the same extent then perhaps the world could turn around... that exploitaiton of nature of other people of systems would perhaps seem less plausible, less a part of who we are as humans...
and now since then... members of parliament, bankers, journalists, as well as the disaffected urban youth involved in recent riots are playing out their roles as villians .... but.. we need to move forward to move on and away from this villification.. to find a way to be kinder, to care.. and to show others that this is the only way forward... that raging capitalism is not the answer.. we do not need more and more .. stuff...
and now since then... members of parliament, bankers, journalists, as well as the disaffected urban youth involved in recent riots are playing out their roles as villians .... but.. we need to move forward to move on and away from this villification.. to find a way to be kinder, to care.. and to show others that this is the only way forward... that raging capitalism is not the answer.. we do not need more and more .. stuff...
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
there's much in the news about the death of Osama bin laden.... too much braggadocio and crowing really.. and i wonder... what happened to justice? I feel that the event has made a smaller man of Barak Obama... and the world is becoming a scarier place because of the loss of a lack of justice afforded bin laden. It is too easy to say that he didn't treat his victims with any sense of dignity or acknowledgment of their right to live.... why behave in the same manner, how does that make one a decent person, how does it make our system of 'democracy' and 'playing fair' stand up to critical eyes.... Bin Laden was shot in his room, unarmed.... not arrested and tried under a fair judicial system...
president truman after the second world war insisted that the Nazi leaders should be tried in a court of law, a transparent court, where their crimes could be spelt out and understood by all and their guilt decided on in a fair and equitable way..... this was considered the 'right way' to conduct such events
and so more than 50 years on and we seem to have forgotten this sense of justice... a man was shot dead, summarily executed... and thousands crowd the streets to cheer!?? where is the justice? Obama rose to the presidency on a call for change.... he promised to remove the illegal guantanamo imprisonments... he was considered a man of integrity...and now he crows over the death of an enemy? He is reduced by such an act, and becomes no better than the 'terrorist....
justice needs to be done and to be seen to be done... there was no justice here
president truman after the second world war insisted that the Nazi leaders should be tried in a court of law, a transparent court, where their crimes could be spelt out and understood by all and their guilt decided on in a fair and equitable way..... this was considered the 'right way' to conduct such events
and so more than 50 years on and we seem to have forgotten this sense of justice... a man was shot dead, summarily executed... and thousands crowd the streets to cheer!?? where is the justice? Obama rose to the presidency on a call for change.... he promised to remove the illegal guantanamo imprisonments... he was considered a man of integrity...and now he crows over the death of an enemy? He is reduced by such an act, and becomes no better than the 'terrorist....
justice needs to be done and to be seen to be done... there was no justice here
Sunday, May 01, 2011
went climbing again yesterday
and really rediscovered the excitement... recently I have been climbing low gades, v diffs or even a diff and have felt mixed about it as I am learning to overcome vertigo so although the climbs were easy and straightforward I had to come to terms with getting weirdly scared.... particularly at the top of a climb. I can no longer peer over the top of a cliff without a sensation of tumbling over
and so yesterday I climbed a vs, a much harder climb and this one had quite an exposed element to it... half way up i had a panic and thought I'd cop out as there was a diff right next to the route i was attempting, but the rope was coming from too far from the right and actually caught around a crag... so i had no choice but to head back to the right route and actually climb it. I had had some good scrambles earlier and was feeling quite strong and confident so i edged around the rock, feeling my way around a corner unable to see any foot or hand holds... luckily there was a wonderful juggy hold which enabled me to swing around the outcrop and i made it into the small gully that was the actual route.... after that it was a more simple climb upwards and i was, using the emphatic surfing terminology, 'stoked'!!! I finally feel like i am a climber again
and really rediscovered the excitement... recently I have been climbing low gades, v diffs or even a diff and have felt mixed about it as I am learning to overcome vertigo so although the climbs were easy and straightforward I had to come to terms with getting weirdly scared.... particularly at the top of a climb. I can no longer peer over the top of a cliff without a sensation of tumbling over
and so yesterday I climbed a vs, a much harder climb and this one had quite an exposed element to it... half way up i had a panic and thought I'd cop out as there was a diff right next to the route i was attempting, but the rope was coming from too far from the right and actually caught around a crag... so i had no choice but to head back to the right route and actually climb it. I had had some good scrambles earlier and was feeling quite strong and confident so i edged around the rock, feeling my way around a corner unable to see any foot or hand holds... luckily there was a wonderful juggy hold which enabled me to swing around the outcrop and i made it into the small gully that was the actual route.... after that it was a more simple climb upwards and i was, using the emphatic surfing terminology, 'stoked'!!! I finally feel like i am a climber again
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
April!
how is it time moves so quickly!
moving again.. some stuff hasn't worked.. hours have been restricted to 37 and i needed to earn a bit more, and I am still temping so earning crap... and therefore i cant really afford it... plus.. its still like a building site and has been hard work.. and I have been ill.... hmmmmmm glad it's spring and very happy to put winter behind me
and so i look for somewhere in penryn or falmouth, a place that has more of a community feel and has lots going on.... art stuff, yoga and even a chanting group!
still really enjoying work... map stuff/gis stuff
and trying out the dating thing
how is it time moves so quickly!
moving again.. some stuff hasn't worked.. hours have been restricted to 37 and i needed to earn a bit more, and I am still temping so earning crap... and therefore i cant really afford it... plus.. its still like a building site and has been hard work.. and I have been ill.... hmmmmmm glad it's spring and very happy to put winter behind me
and so i look for somewhere in penryn or falmouth, a place that has more of a community feel and has lots going on.... art stuff, yoga and even a chanting group!
still really enjoying work... map stuff/gis stuff
and trying out the dating thing
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Snow
and
cold
and
ice
It's very cold in the pod, very cold indeed!
It was good to get out this morning and walk to work. By the time I was at work I had warmed through and now I sit almost on top of a radiator, luxuriating in its warmth!
and so.... what is happening
adjusting to living alone
trying to get over JB but not succeeding
thinking, as always, of offloading solomon
started knitting
still kayaking
still in truro
still working on maps
browsing the dating sites
pondering xmas alone
struggling to make the rent
not so different really
and
cold
and
ice
It's very cold in the pod, very cold indeed!
It was good to get out this morning and walk to work. By the time I was at work I had warmed through and now I sit almost on top of a radiator, luxuriating in its warmth!
and so.... what is happening
adjusting to living alone
trying to get over JB but not succeeding
thinking, as always, of offloading solomon
started knitting
still kayaking
still in truro
still working on maps
browsing the dating sites
pondering xmas alone
struggling to make the rent
not so different really
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
another time of waiting
have now moved out of the beach house a place i lived for two years... and am heading for living in a sheltered urban eco-home in Truro but it's not ready yet and so I feel everyday now is a day of waiting...
living in limbo when I want stability and security makes life interesting
but I have been fortunate in that I have been able to store my furniture/belongings in a friend's garage in Redruth and other friends have spare rooms that I can stay in whilst I wait.
and i love living in Penryn.. which is a little unsettling as maybe I should have simply just looked for a place there rather than be swayed by the urban cool of the eco-home....
and so I wait and wonder...
have now moved out of the beach house a place i lived for two years... and am heading for living in a sheltered urban eco-home in Truro but it's not ready yet and so I feel everyday now is a day of waiting...
living in limbo when I want stability and security makes life interesting
but I have been fortunate in that I have been able to store my furniture/belongings in a friend's garage in Redruth and other friends have spare rooms that I can stay in whilst I wait.
and i love living in Penryn.. which is a little unsettling as maybe I should have simply just looked for a place there rather than be swayed by the urban cool of the eco-home....
and so I wait and wonder...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
at work and suddenly remembered I saw a deer on my way home yesterday. This is such a rare occurence that I feel it needs remarking on. A small female roe deer in the early evening just simply crossing the road within the valley that leads down into Porthtowan. A swift glance but one that fills the heart with delight! and just as I am about to leave the village to return to slightly more urban living! oddly my only other rare sighting was dolphins on my arrival and now a deer as I leave!
still struggling to sort stuff out, elder j is still living with me, not contributing and being sadly depressed and unmotivated.... so sort of feel my life is not really being lived as I am putting him first in so many ways... but maybe just maybe this is what i should be doing, and that maybe the simple single selfish life will elude me .... we are, after all, supposedly social creatures so why do I want to be alone so much????
still struggling to sort stuff out, elder j is still living with me, not contributing and being sadly depressed and unmotivated.... so sort of feel my life is not really being lived as I am putting him first in so many ways... but maybe just maybe this is what i should be doing, and that maybe the simple single selfish life will elude me .... we are, after all, supposedly social creatures so why do I want to be alone so much????
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
and so it is now May.. the election is tomorrow and I'm scared the world will be a blacker (or should I say bluer??) place afterwards... I am voting libdem... but that's mainly to keep the tories out.... crossing fingers that enough people will do likewise.... a conservative majority would be a disaster
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
its warm and sunny, the beach looks inviting. Went to gylly beach in Falmouth yesterday and sat drawing people and reading about the Lost Gardens of Heligan a very lovely way to spend my time.. but not particularly productive I suppose
applied for a number of odd jobs yesterday, have an interview with an agency for some temping work so I guess I'll be doing something soon. Jon has mentioned doing some butterfly work in June and Lucy has put my name forward to do some scribing... ideally if i could add to those, other non 9 to 5 stuff life could be quite sweet... sell artwork?? do some markets?? get maybe something part -time.. find a much cheaper place to live... there's options out there that don't involve crap work in crap places... I really should give it a go....
and its warmer and sunnier now... heading out to Ms Peapods for lunch
applied for a number of odd jobs yesterday, have an interview with an agency for some temping work so I guess I'll be doing something soon. Jon has mentioned doing some butterfly work in June and Lucy has put my name forward to do some scribing... ideally if i could add to those, other non 9 to 5 stuff life could be quite sweet... sell artwork?? do some markets?? get maybe something part -time.. find a much cheaper place to live... there's options out there that don't involve crap work in crap places... I really should give it a go....
and its warmer and sunnier now... heading out to Ms Peapods for lunch
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