Excellent looks like I'm up and running again, though will have to reinstate all the old changes which will take some time .. the archived pages still have the old links...... but if this happens again try my new blog...... Beyond the ineffable...as an alternative

will this work?

Just had a phone call from Pete, who is at the MCN show today and he has just bought a car....... looks like loads of fun!!!!! The fun 500 extreme in blue and yellow!!

Food and pubs visited over the weekend:

Friday night we that is Pete, Matty Pete's brother, and myself, called in for a swift one in The Queens in Crouch End..... I suggested it as I have been there before with Martin, my brother, who lived in Crouch End for many years... very loud place, even spotted a celebrity but haven't a clue what his name was only that he appeared in a BBC drama about The Lakes, ok just looked it up and his name is John Simm......... Spoke to Martin on the phone and he recommended 'Chillies' an Indian restuarant that was just across the road... it was very very good... spendid flavours indeed!

Saturday..... not so good. went to pub next to Pete's in Rotherhithe called Spice Island, I ordered salmon, usually a very easy to cook, can't go wrong with it, sort of meal....hmmmmmmmmmmmm well it tasted of fishy cardboard...... not good!

Sunday night and Pete and I were too tired to do anything more than sit in a local noodle bar drink a bit of beer and eat noodles, and they were very nice... though I really was soooo tired

Busy weekend, definitely lots of people watching.. and some very strange people to watch as well....... came to the decision that there must be a specialised bikers shop that sells leathers for fat blokes.... ones that have extra panels sewn in to cover beer bellies! But the food on sale at the bike show was all meaty/fatty unhealthy stuff ........... so maybe there's a very simple explanation... anyway it was a good weekend in that it was totally different to any I have experienced before... and it's always good to do different............

Arrived back to Pete's flat at about 3.30 am after setting up the stand on friday night and stood on the balcony. it overlooks the river and it was just getting light..... watched a fox wandering around, looking very comfortable in its urban setting..... !!


Just read an article in the Guardian about 'financial phobia' a study has been done at Cambridge University which confirms my ideas about what I termed 'burearochrophobia' (see oct 22 in my archive)... and quite high percentages of people suffer from it..... I am not alone in my fear of the bank statement!!!!!!!!

It's time to finish work but I feel little inclined to head home just yet. Got into Cambridge late this morning and felt really miserable..... just didn't really want to come back here. Unfortunately I need to find a job before I can really think about getting away and I didn't get an interview for the ICA job....... bit worrying that but maybe the people that did get short-listed had a much stronger arts background, whereas my background is hmmmmmmmmm somewhat eclectic!

Anyway looking forward to the weekend... going to a bike show at Alexandra Palace as Pete has a stand there, though quite how long I'll be there for I just don't know. I imagine it will be fairly fascinating just doing some people watching!

hmmm it's been ages.... time is flying and all that...... actually been busy, having fun getting out so its all good stuff......

Caught up with a couple of people recently .... much nicer to say hello in 3D ...........

Have applied for a job in London.. the first of probably many....... will have to see what happens........ could be interesting

Last week went for dinner with Josh and Hayley and my ex..... it was Joshs birthday.. very pleasant evening

Jake has been promoted... and will be head barman in February!!!

Pete is still utterly sweet.... waiting for him to come round ...... heading into London tonight..... back here for work tomorrow......bit of a rush!

This years line has got to be:

Fight the automatic response!

Yes I know it was coined in 2001 but it is still utterly appropriate and will become my mantra, unless of course the automatic response is the correct response... maybe it should be qualified to 'think about the automatic response', or merely 'question any response automatic or otherwise'??????? Somehow I think this mantra has fundamental flaws!!!

Back at work and not enjoying it at all. Started looking for a different job ... in a different location too! I will be leaving Cambridge at some point this year, of that I am absolutely certain but just where I will end up ??????????? hmmmmmmmm It will be an interesting year!

Anyway back to the present.... New Years Eve was good..... danced with the girls, drank a minimal amount and wandered home around 2 ish... it was just what was required. The following day (yesterday) I had intended to start the clutter clearing but lazed around with Jake instead and watched an awful amount of TV. So the clutter clearing will have to start tonight, I really need to sift through all my belongings and make serious attempts to chuck out most of it. I really do not need to keep letters and gumff from 10 years ago. Or 5 years ago or from last year.....so in line with my intentions to move I need to make it as easy a transition as possible....... stuff must go!

and then there's Pete....... still in a lovely bubble as far as that is concerned, a lovely floaty little bubble of squeamishly delightful thoughts... and so as not to sound too girly and sentimental I will not gush any further...........

Happy New Year!

Once again time has passed.. it is now New Year's Eve and I am back at work..... Christmas was excellent, had a lovely time, it was very quiet fairly non-alcoholic but lovely nevertheless!

It is now a week before Christmas.. and I haven't written anything for ages... Probably because I have been away for a long weekend and been having an absolutely lovely time in the best of company..... now back at home/work and feel a little alone and deflated today...... can't all be up there on some happy smiling little bubble all the time I suppose....... but my god it has been a lovely bubble indeed! So I have been to see ART, the play, Harry Potter (2) and buzzed around London on the back of a little scooter which is certainly an excellent way to see and travel around the place. Lovely to do all this stuff but it was the company that really counted, Pete , many many thanks for making me smile so much! So, lots to write about but feeling extremely tired this afternoon. Also saw 'Wit' last night on the TV with Emma Thompson, which was an excellent film.... oddly reminded me of ivansxtc in that it dealt with death in such a matter of fact, 'lets deal with the realities of this thing' sort of way. It was very very good, although James phoned just at the end when Donne's final stanza was being spoken, so I missed the last and most utterly poignant moment that the whole production had built up to. But it was nice to hear from you James, its been weeks mate!! Oh yes another point.. anyone any good suggestions for New Year??? Pete is away skiing with his children and I would love to be able to get out...... Neela? Any suggestions????

So much has happened in the last three weeks really that it is difficult to accept any of it as reality. Last night I cooked a meal for my two sons, nothing unusual in that but everything has changed... Josh is now living in Cambridge with Hayley a very pleasant girl who I met for the first time last night.... I realise that this might not seem at all unusual .. parents meet their children's boyfriends/girlfriends all the time.. but I have never met any of Josh's ever!! Last night was the first time he brought someone home and he is 22 next month!! Weird, does this say something about how crap we are at relationships in this family I wonder??? hmmmm

You know how we can trudge on in life with an image of self, an idea of the sort of person we are and then something happens and it just makes you aware of how others see you?? Maybe that's what happened last night and is happening with the new relationship I am in with Pete... I am becoming aware of my incessant self absorption! This blog is a fine example of it indeed! I have become aware that I want to tell my story first, that I reply to text messages with stuff about what I am doing rather than with questions about 'the other'... that I dont even really listen to others stories about their lives. I must work on this as I really truely thought I was quite a caring person, that I was anything other than selfish but ummmmm no I am embarrassed to say I am as self absorbed as I accused Fabian of being. At least he was aware of his failings!! So! onwards in a self improving way .. how are you today?? I would love to hear from you about your stories/ adventures/ dreams /desires/ or even of the mundane stuff of life, the little details.......

There is other good stuff happening too.... Jake last night said he plans to be a bar manager within 3 years and I have never before heard him utter anything like an ambition !

and Pete is utterly sweet!

It's a good day today, no sign of a grey blanket anywhere! and the most important news is my eldest, Josh, has got a flat here in Cambridge. He already has the keys so is spending the next couple of days sorting his stuff and moving. The weird thing is his girlfriend is moving in with him and I still haven't met her! I presume I will though very soon!

Had a night out with the girls last night, wobbled home on the bicycle convinced I could ride perfectly normally! Ha! Pleasant evening....

Isn't it weird that you never know when the last time you sleep with someone it is the last time... only hindsight gives that sort of knowledge...

Thoughts on a sunday morning, on a very grey day....

Have had a week where, for a couple of days, I felt the Grey Blanket descend over my head and give the world a nondescript and uninteresting hue. This happens every once in a while and generally I look back and realise it is all to do with hormones. That there seems little I can do about it, it is just the way I am. But who am ? Where is the sense of continous self within those two days a month? Am I a different 'me', I certainly see the world very differently. Chemical imbalance creating a different persona, but are they both 'me'? So I was just pondering further... lets suspend disbelief for a brief moment and just suppose the idea of heaven to be a reality... what if I died on one of those pre-menstrual days and, by some stretch of the imagination, qualified for a place in heaven, would I spend the rest of eternity in a blue funk wandering around with the proverbial Grey Blanket over my head forever??????????????? Grey thoughts indeed......

It is almost the end of November! Find that difficult to believe and I really want absolutely nothing to do with the encroaching seasonal jollities! Realise I am a complete bah-humbug as far as supposed celebrations within our society..... don't do Easter/ halloween/ bonfire night or Christmas....... maybe I just don't like enforced jollities.. or maybe it's more to do with my total inability to afford any of them.. they just reinforce my inadequecies as far as material possessions are concerned?? Maybe?? Maybe I would love to go out buy presents that people actually wanted, get all the foodstuffs that are required for the day, a tree and sparkly fluffy stuff to put on it, champagne and whatever else without the awful foreboding of impending unpaid bills.. maybe it is more to do with that than anything else......

Have a full full flat but wont put too much as this will all start sounding too miserable....

Have heard from Pete, who is in France this week, so that's excellent... sweet! Looking forward to meeting up again! So it's not all gloom and doom.........

Ha! The date was good!........ second date too! There might be a third date planned soon!

Odd experience over the weekend.. downstairs neighbour complained about the noise...... we were talking in our lounge too late for her. Though in all honesty I was really surprised that there was any problem at all with the level of noise.... remained calm and friendly during the discussion but ended up being castigated as a bad mother!!!!!! Actually very shocked by the whole incident!