Monday again, odd but good weekend... and for reasons unknown my mood is bright and cheerful, in fact positively bouncy. Unfortunately no new links to add as I haven't read anything of note over the weekend at all.

hmmmmmmmmm today seems marked by a lack of communication... maybe it was my lack earlier on in the week but now I am in the unenviable position of not being replied to. This is by far the most 'personal' stuff I have put up here but I can think of nothing else to say...I can normally be chilled about people's moods and peccadillo's and so a bad day wouldn't normally mean much, but the trouble is this time it is exacerbated by being told early on when we first met that one way out of relationships for him was not to reply to mails/text/calls. Cowardly but true. So, now, when he doesn't reply, I am left pondering and it's all so bloody unnecessary. I am not the sort to make a scene, to do any bunny burning type of activity. I would prefer to know, hate being left dangling! Hate waiting.....

Had a bad experience with the citizen's advice bureaux today apart from being unable to spell it..... think I just wanted someone to wave a magic wand and swoosh all my student loans away...... still not earning enough to pay them back but haven't bothered to let them know so they are demanding the whole lot right away. Can I use the little know syndrome of bureacrophobia as a justifiable reason for the ridiculously long time I've taken to reply to them I wonder? I'm sure there are many out there that would recognise the symptoms.... it's sort of like word blindness but more a sort of form blindness...... comes with an ability to blank out any need to reply to officious looking documents......... and to hoard unopened letters in inaccessible places....... and to deny all knowledge of their existence...........It's a serious disability indeed.

hmmmmm this is turning into a rather infrequent posting! can't believe how time is zipping along...... reading A S Byatt still though 'Babel Tower' rather than 'The Biographer's Tale'. It is quite a disturbing read, a book within a book, and I am struggling with 'the tale' as its exploration of human nature and its somewhat dark ponderings of cruelty are almost more than I want to think about. Something I generally brush aside, as it's too difficult to get to grips with really or maybe just too nasty. Byatt, though, writes in such a lyrical, interwoven and passionate way that I seem to have been pulled into these perorations unaware....

Strange week, it's now friday and cold. The season has changed and it really hasn't been a pleasant change. Felt at times moments of despair, at other times a stupidly ineffectual buoyancy. I feel it will be a horribly long time until I feel warm again. last year I managed a trip to San Diego in January. It was a good idea to get some sun at that time, hopefully will be able to do something similar again this winter?? Who knows..........

the article refered to was 'Sesame sans frontiers'.. didn't link for some reason??

Excellent article in the Guardian today

Friday, October 11, 2002

Ivan's xtc is an amazing film....! My god what superficiality and meaninglessness and in the end we all die alone, ha unless you end up in some twin tower mass destruction thing of course .... I digress.......The film was about the death of an individual who had the rich life, drugs, money, success all of it..... but the superficiality and excesses didn't really amount to much when he was faced with his own imminent death, he just had no mechanism for coping with it, no one to talk to about it. He ended up telling two random women that he had just met. Now maybe I wont have the mechanisms for coping with such news, as it will come one day, somewhat inevitable really and this is where the film really works ... it showed in a very naked and raw way that the reality is we all die and most of us die alone, that life is insignificant, and very very brief.... that's it, it will end. So in a way what difference does it make? What does it matter really about the way we live our lives? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm existentiality in the raw, it compared well with Sartre's 'La Nausea' in it's bleakness....... but whereas after reading Sartre one is left in despair this film left a feeling of hmmmmmmmmmmmmm it could hardly be called hope maybe a feeling of, and now I really don't know how it got there but a feeling of warmth?? inexplicable really............

hmmmmmmmm feel the need to add a word or two about the US and the UN as very shortly GW Bush might be given the go ahead to act alone in attacking Iraq. This green light will come from his own government, his own backers and from nowhere else. If he goes ahead without UN backing then this puts the US above international law, in fact a law unto it's own self?? What a precendent! Why one must ask are they keen to do this? Why are they so keen to storm ahead without international support and approval?

Adding another link ... I would have found this site very useful when my kids were younger... it deals with child care stuff, benefit/tax issues and general support for people bringing up children and working...

Had desperate need to purchase something today ... quite happy that I managed to restrict myself to a couple of books: Stupid White Men by Michael Moore and 'The Biographers Tale' by A S Byatt.... will give a brief review when I've read them........... I imagine the Michael Moore will be very amusing to read, liked his TV stuff ... adding a link to his website too ......... very interesting

wondering where to go for food before heading off to the cinema, to see Ivan'sxtc, and came across a useful little Cambridge cafe guide so adding it to the links

shocked to find it's not the finances stopping me from a week of sun but work obligations! I am not allowed to go!

Tuesday already.... The weekend seems ages ago

This is difficult to know what level of inane chatter to put ... do I want my totally innermost thoughts to be available to all. Though the idea of 'all' isn't really the problem.. it's the thought of people I know reading this... do I want to be open and honest in reality?? Nah! of course not..... so I'll leave the inner ponderings to ponder inwardly and smile and subject you to outlines, nothing of depth just the prattlings of a woman who knows......

'The Office' last night............. Gareth went too far, he has now changed from unbelievably awkward to unbearably horrible... and David Brent is sad sad sad sad...........

To go to Greece next week??? ... need to work out the finances........... might be able to do it!

a quiet start to the day.........

a slow start to the day...........

Friday... at last.

Off to the Flying Pig for a couple of drinks... maybe more........

Odd day, had to cope with a virus called bugbear... sent others' printers crazy....... but not mine, out of the whole network mine was the only one behaving normally. Which made it horribly obvious that I had introduced the thing. I blame James.....(James you sent me a dodgy email the other day that made no sense!!) as I need to blame someone!

Thanks Neela for the posting..... good to hear from you

might stick with the yellow, starting to quite like it....

News today seems a distant thing......... and I feel incapable of caring either way about US/Iraq, Israel/Palestine Edwina Currie, A level results... anything really. It's thursday ........... that's enough