Blogs and relationships.......!! I have mentioned this before but I think it needs more exploration... The other Sunday I was on a udate date....... sort of unexciting and fairly mundane, and as he was pretty geeky the conversation turned towards computers. I mentioned having a blog, but when he asked for its name I couldn't face telling him, well it's a bit like saying here's my diary this is all about me, but not getting any reciprocal feedback. I still know nothing about him and he knows, or assumes he knows, a hell of a lot about me!! So when do you let them see it??? A bit like the old 'when to shag' question.... Recently in the very sweet early stages of a relationship, that admittedly didn't get any further than the very sweet early stages! Alan suddenly declared that he would no longer read my blog as he didn't want to read that he'd been dumped before it actually happened!! Hmmmmmmmm ha! Maybe that was a significant move Alan!!!

Sooooooo ............ I spent last summer in a relationship with Pete that was really quite controlling and manipulative, but what was particularly bad was his non-recognition of me, as a separate individual, he diminished me, denied my sense of self really and as I had put myself in a very vunerable position, ie moved in with him without any of my belongings, I struggled with what was actually happening. I could not believe I had made such a mistake, and so really tried to make it work and to ignore some of his not so wonderful facets of character.... like his racism......back to the blog aspect here, I did describe the ending of this relationship in this blog as 'a limp dwindling away' and he later told me that this upset him, somehow that changed how I felt about writing this as I didn't want to hurt him or anybody I know and care about, and so I have avoided emotional outpourings and mainly described the superficial stuff that is going on but....

I saw Pete recently as he called to say hello and he told me he had set up a blog of his own.... ok fair enough I thought, it's another way of him trying to communicate with me.. I don't have to read it.... but, of course, I have.........Its name is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unbelievable!! He has actually called it Pete's Palaver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this makes me sooooooooooooo mad........... it's a further diminishing, a further way of control and taking away something that is mine and what makes it even worse is it is really really really shit!!!!! and by copying my name he takes away some of my individuality again!!!! and he can't write, he can't spell, and he even writes racist stuff!! and it is really CRAP! The man has no sense of empathy whatsoever.... He writes of Lizzie, his daughter, in such a matter of fact way that it blends in with what he is saying about the boat...!! Has he no soul???

So, to conclude, blogs and relationships are a minefield... but from now on no holds barred....... I will write what I feel and if it feels pertinent to write about it I will write about it...........