well it's now the summer of 2016 and Oh G what a mixed up mess of a time it is!
I am now living in a run down house in a run down town on the forgotten northern tip end of Cambridgeshire. it's fenny and there is a constant pungent odour around; be it of the pet food factory, of the chip factory or of that tight noxious nip at the roof of the mouth when they spray chemicals over the fields all around.
I have just returned from a brief sojourn into the town centre, rubbish strewn and replete with charity shops and 'international stores' and as I walked passed the library I saw a sign on a poster in the window that claimed "How to stop yourself from drowning" yes that is what i need I thought to myself I am drowning in apathy and ennui. I have lost physical strength and emotional strength.. I am depleted and yes i feel I am drowning. I then read the following sentence.... "one way is to ensure you do not swim when you are too tired.... the poster hadn't been a metaphor!!! There was no course i could take for my depleted sense of self-worth!!! I need really need to stop drowning I laughed to myself and then I thought I would see if this blog still works and maybe" I could chart my rise from the depths of fug and chart a course back to land.
So that is the new project, a self rescue.
Cambs has been hard hard work, although well yes admittedly there have been one or two adventures along the way but I now realise I once again need a repository for my internal chatter... a place I can chatter away
and maybe in doing just that I might be able to stop myself from drowning
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
well it's now the summer of 2016 and Oh G what a mixed up mess of a time it is!
I am now living in a run down house in a run down town on the forgotten northern tip end of Cambridgeshire. it's fenny and there is a constant pungent odour around; be it of the pet food factory, of the chip factory or of that tight noxious nip at the roof of the mouth when they spray chemicals over the fields all around.
I have just returned from a brief sojourn into the town centre, rubbish strewn and replete with charity shops and 'international stores' and as I walked passed the library I saw a sign on a poster in the window that claimed "How to stop yourself from drowning" yes that is what i need I thought to myself I am drowning in apathy and ennui. I have lost physical strength and emotional strength.. I am depleted and yes i feel I am drowning. I then read the following sentence.... "one way is to ensure you do not swim when you are too tired.... the poster hadn't been a metaphor!!! There was no course i could take for my depleted sense of self-worth!!! I need really need to stop drowning I laughed to myself and then I thought I would see if this blog still works and maybe" I could chart my rise from the depths of fug and chart a course back to land.
So that is the new project, a self rescue.
Cambs has been hard hard work, although well yes admittedly there have been one or two adventures along the way but I now realise I once again need a repository for my internal chatter... a place I can chatter away
and maybe in doing just that I might be able to stop myself from drowning
I am now living in a run down house in a run down town on the forgotten northern tip end of Cambridgeshire. it's fenny and there is a constant pungent odour around; be it of the pet food factory, of the chip factory or of that tight noxious nip at the roof of the mouth when they spray chemicals over the fields all around.
I have just returned from a brief sojourn into the town centre, rubbish strewn and replete with charity shops and 'international stores' and as I walked passed the library I saw a sign on a poster in the window that claimed "How to stop yourself from drowning" yes that is what i need I thought to myself I am drowning in apathy and ennui. I have lost physical strength and emotional strength.. I am depleted and yes i feel I am drowning. I then read the following sentence.... "one way is to ensure you do not swim when you are too tired.... the poster hadn't been a metaphor!!! There was no course i could take for my depleted sense of self-worth!!! I need really need to stop drowning I laughed to myself and then I thought I would see if this blog still works and maybe" I could chart my rise from the depths of fug and chart a course back to land.
So that is the new project, a self rescue.
Cambs has been hard hard work, although well yes admittedly there have been one or two adventures along the way but I now realise I once again need a repository for my internal chatter... a place I can chatter away
and maybe in doing just that I might be able to stop myself from drowning
rediscovered Delilah's Palaver... and what a place to stop! the paragraph below was written 2 and a half yrs ago and never published and it's too long ago to remember the memory that i mentioned.... so I will publish this today and get back on that horse and see if I can still ride
sitting here at my desk in cornwall with my sons preapring to leave the county and return home I felt compelled to listen to Leonard Cohen's Coming home... it's been my earworm for days now and listening to it just hasn't helped. I simply want to listen again and again
will probably drive J&J mad ... had a lovely moment last night going to sleep... because this is a small flat now full of packing cases they were camped out in the lounge and my room next door had the door blocked open... so i heard them chattering away in the background as i fell asleep.. i swear i actually fell asleep giggling to their inane prattle
but reason for post is that a glimmer of a past memory returned... and it was
sitting here at my desk in cornwall with my sons preapring to leave the county and return home I felt compelled to listen to Leonard Cohen's Coming home... it's been my earworm for days now and listening to it just hasn't helped. I simply want to listen again and again
will probably drive J&J mad ... had a lovely moment last night going to sleep... because this is a small flat now full of packing cases they were camped out in the lounge and my room next door had the door blocked open... so i heard them chattering away in the background as i fell asleep.. i swear i actually fell asleep giggling to their inane prattle
but reason for post is that a glimmer of a past memory returned... and it was
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Yes I know it's a day late
but attention was brought to this poem by a girl called jack
and it has stayed and started to haunt
so the best place for haunting is this blog
these words are powerful and if ever a lover could be as truthful and as honest i would be a happy woman....
Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy
Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.
Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.
I am trying to be truthful.
Not a cute card or a kissogram.
I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.
Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.
Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
was browsing through facebook yesterday and came across a newsfeed that described an event on Saturday that I immediately wanted to join
the artist hamish fulton is conducting one of his walks in Penzance and so I registered straight away
I would even consider myself to be a walking artist too although of the non-professional sort... I wrote my master's thesis about long distance walking.. and so I am very excited indeed
will it be a slow silent walk? will there be political overtones? It would be amazingly great if it was in solidarity for the #FreetheArctic30 greenpeace activists
and so I await the new adventure
with baited breath
the artist hamish fulton is conducting one of his walks in Penzance and so I registered straight away
I would even consider myself to be a walking artist too although of the non-professional sort... I wrote my master's thesis about long distance walking.. and so I am very excited indeed
will it be a slow silent walk? will there be political overtones? It would be amazingly great if it was in solidarity for the #FreetheArctic30 greenpeace activists
and so I await the new adventure
with baited breath
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
in and of itself
Grayson Perry in today’s BBC news online states that art has to address history.. yes I agree.. it has to do more than represent.. more than merely to picture or to replicate, unless that replication in itself addresses history, culture or nature in a way that questions and adds to. It is more than an image- in itself and of itself, it is what it addresses and how it addresses. Take Duchamps The Fountain for instance... a toilet in other words but when it was first presented as a piece for an exhibition it addressed the issue of what art is.. that big thorny issue of what art is.... and it challenged prevailing thought and so became art in and of itself
Monday, September 23, 2013
how can the word 'migration' just disappear from my vocabulary? only to reappear as it has done hours later unconnected, unsought... just there in my thoughts as I try to concentrate on reading a lovely little book called 'findings' by Kathleen Jamie
earlier today i was excitedly contemplating the possibility of a few days on scilly! A set of islands i haven't visited for nearly 30 years but I am certain they remain as beautiful in that clear, light, blue way that they have retained in my memory.... and i was saying that maybe october might be full of bird watchers as... and there i became stuck.... i struggled for a word... lost it and described how birds head south at this time of year because it becomes too cold... and so the islands might be full of birders hopeful to spot certain species...
it sounded convoluted and a clumsy way of talking as i could sense the loss but was unable to grasp at the word .... migration or migratory or even migrate... these words had gone
and now they have all returned
and i wonder at the loss and gain
and worry
a little
earlier today i was excitedly contemplating the possibility of a few days on scilly! A set of islands i haven't visited for nearly 30 years but I am certain they remain as beautiful in that clear, light, blue way that they have retained in my memory.... and i was saying that maybe october might be full of bird watchers as... and there i became stuck.... i struggled for a word... lost it and described how birds head south at this time of year because it becomes too cold... and so the islands might be full of birders hopeful to spot certain species...
it sounded convoluted and a clumsy way of talking as i could sense the loss but was unable to grasp at the word .... migration or migratory or even migrate... these words had gone
and now they have all returned
and i wonder at the loss and gain
and worry
a little
Sunday, August 25, 2013
what happened to me when I was between 12 and 16 stopped me growing up.... it replaced my exploration of the world and where i stood within it with a notion that i didn't count. That I was nothing and unimportant, that how i felt about anything was immaterial. That no-one could love me as i was unloveable, that I would not do well as i was stupid, klutzy and just crap.... and that is what i carried with me on my adventures... and rather unsurprisingly they were pretty futile and crappy little adventures....
and so i left home, married, had babies, got jobs and all the while carried my crappy baggage along with me.... and so relationships floundered because if something went wrong i would immediately think it was something i had done... blamed myself... then got cross with myself and so blamed the other as i couldnt work out what i had done wrong.. then got cross with myself as that wasn't right.. so ended the relationship... neither liking myself nor my lover/partner as how could they be a person to respect when they were actually saying they loved me.. and i was obviously such a worthless waste of space.... and so it continued.. i applied for a job.... got it.. then got bored/was lazy.. as i had no expectations of myself and as i put in little effort the job became boring.... justifying my little effort in such a worthless job
at university i left things late, handed in first drafts as if they were complete essays and somehow scraped through... but because i was so lazy and hadn't revised/worked at it.. if i got a pass mark it immediately devalued the course as i had so not put in any effort and had still passed.... so it all became a bit pointless... and afterwards because i so undervalued the course i didn't apply for any worthwhile jobs.. or was unable to sell myself well in job applications.. so i didn't get/apply for anything that would hold my interest....
and all of this became cyclical and repetative... i didn't get a decent job so i went back to university.. got another course under my belt but was still unable to know how to make the appropriate effort in looking for work/finding interesting work...
relationships floundered again and again... i liked myself as a single person.. but as soon as someone became important to me i started trying to be the person i thought i 'should' be... ie someone they could possibly fall in love with but that wasn't me and then i started to not like me.. and how could i love someone who declared they loved this pretend creature and they would soon 'discover' the real me and leave....
and this has been going round and round and round... for over 30 years now.... i move house/leave a job/relationship/ never staying and building on something, always in search of the new... someway that would be different... but i was carrying such a negative self image...
and then i had some counselling.... and now all that has changed... immediatley... a light has been switched on in the dark murky self image basement... and i realise I'm not that bad.... that things could be worse.. that actually i am intelligent, can enthuse myself and others... can be hardworking.... am a reasonable being... weird really.... but have I left it too late?????
and so i left home, married, had babies, got jobs and all the while carried my crappy baggage along with me.... and so relationships floundered because if something went wrong i would immediately think it was something i had done... blamed myself... then got cross with myself and so blamed the other as i couldnt work out what i had done wrong.. then got cross with myself as that wasn't right.. so ended the relationship... neither liking myself nor my lover/partner as how could they be a person to respect when they were actually saying they loved me.. and i was obviously such a worthless waste of space.... and so it continued.. i applied for a job.... got it.. then got bored/was lazy.. as i had no expectations of myself and as i put in little effort the job became boring.... justifying my little effort in such a worthless job
at university i left things late, handed in first drafts as if they were complete essays and somehow scraped through... but because i was so lazy and hadn't revised/worked at it.. if i got a pass mark it immediately devalued the course as i had so not put in any effort and had still passed.... so it all became a bit pointless... and afterwards because i so undervalued the course i didn't apply for any worthwhile jobs.. or was unable to sell myself well in job applications.. so i didn't get/apply for anything that would hold my interest....
and all of this became cyclical and repetative... i didn't get a decent job so i went back to university.. got another course under my belt but was still unable to know how to make the appropriate effort in looking for work/finding interesting work...
relationships floundered again and again... i liked myself as a single person.. but as soon as someone became important to me i started trying to be the person i thought i 'should' be... ie someone they could possibly fall in love with but that wasn't me and then i started to not like me.. and how could i love someone who declared they loved this pretend creature and they would soon 'discover' the real me and leave....
and this has been going round and round and round... for over 30 years now.... i move house/leave a job/relationship/ never staying and building on something, always in search of the new... someway that would be different... but i was carrying such a negative self image...
and then i had some counselling.... and now all that has changed... immediatley... a light has been switched on in the dark murky self image basement... and i realise I'm not that bad.... that things could be worse.. that actually i am intelligent, can enthuse myself and others... can be hardworking.... am a reasonable being... weird really.... but have I left it too late?????
Friday, August 16, 2013
Recently I gave in! Capitulated to the Master of conformism, the deity of consummerism and went headlong into Marks and Spencer's in search of.... yes in search of a bra!
Now if anyone reading this wonders as to my age and is a little perplexed please remember I grew up with the instruction of 'burn your bra' being loudly sung all through my impressionable teenage years. I also found them to be particularly uncomfortable and so I have rarely worn one, preferring instead something more relaxed like a vest or t-shirt material teenbra!
But over the years I have ummmm put on a little weight and so thought that perhaps the time had come to sling up what had been unslung as maybe support was required. So Marks and Spencer's is the obvious choice of bra palace and I thought I would even request the services of one of their bra experts and get properly measured and sized up! I was accompanied in my endeavor by a twenty something friend who seemed to have no concept of the whole going braless thing as if somehow all women since history began have 'naturally' worn one of these weird garments. She led the way!
and so I followed got measured, selected two frightful pieces of lace and metal and paid money for the things. Admittedly one was a nice colour but that was a far as my fulfillment as a purchaser went.
and soooo a couple of months down the line am I wearing the dreaded things? Ha of course not! They are so uncomfortable that the only pleasure I get from them is when I take them off... they are now slowly making their way to the back of the drawer where they will eventually become hidden and unseen, deep in the dark recesses of unworn, unliked underwear!
and i am back to wearing an unsupportive cotton fabric vest! and am happy and very comfortable thank you!
What brought this to mind was an article today in the Guardian which actually states that the wearing of the bra actually means more sag rather than less sag so Pah! to wearing something that must have been designed by a man who would never have to wear the thing! and actually makes no sense at all... hoorah for those old burn your bra days! They have saved me from a lifetime of uncomfortable, expensive and completely unnecessary purchases!
Now if anyone reading this wonders as to my age and is a little perplexed please remember I grew up with the instruction of 'burn your bra' being loudly sung all through my impressionable teenage years. I also found them to be particularly uncomfortable and so I have rarely worn one, preferring instead something more relaxed like a vest or t-shirt material teenbra!
But over the years I have ummmm put on a little weight and so thought that perhaps the time had come to sling up what had been unslung as maybe support was required. So Marks and Spencer's is the obvious choice of bra palace and I thought I would even request the services of one of their bra experts and get properly measured and sized up! I was accompanied in my endeavor by a twenty something friend who seemed to have no concept of the whole going braless thing as if somehow all women since history began have 'naturally' worn one of these weird garments. She led the way!
and so I followed got measured, selected two frightful pieces of lace and metal and paid money for the things. Admittedly one was a nice colour but that was a far as my fulfillment as a purchaser went.
and soooo a couple of months down the line am I wearing the dreaded things? Ha of course not! They are so uncomfortable that the only pleasure I get from them is when I take them off... they are now slowly making their way to the back of the drawer where they will eventually become hidden and unseen, deep in the dark recesses of unworn, unliked underwear!
and i am back to wearing an unsupportive cotton fabric vest! and am happy and very comfortable thank you!
What brought this to mind was an article today in the Guardian which actually states that the wearing of the bra actually means more sag rather than less sag so Pah! to wearing something that must have been designed by a man who would never have to wear the thing! and actually makes no sense at all... hoorah for those old burn your bra days! They have saved me from a lifetime of uncomfortable, expensive and completely unnecessary purchases!
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
hmmmmm just feel the need to write and wonder just who should i address a letter to?
You see I am an active supporter of Greenpeace and i think it's a great organisation! It not only highlights environmental issues but it comes up with ways to change wrongs and to suggest a new way forward.... for companies, for individuals for governments
but but but.. oh there is always a BUT!
internships! yes greenpeace has interns!
generally they are lovely people that take up these prestigious roles, they are happy, dynamic and intelligent people full of passion about the world
But but but!
internships are illegal.... no-one should be doing a full time job for NO pay! Nobody!
oh and it does also perpetuate a corrupt system, one that disadvantages so many!
It is wrong.. there is no other way to describe it.. and I am saddened that Greenpeace capitalises on such an illegal, unequal, elitist practice
saddened that they think it is ok
You see I am an active supporter of Greenpeace and i think it's a great organisation! It not only highlights environmental issues but it comes up with ways to change wrongs and to suggest a new way forward.... for companies, for individuals for governments
but but but.. oh there is always a BUT!
internships! yes greenpeace has interns!
generally they are lovely people that take up these prestigious roles, they are happy, dynamic and intelligent people full of passion about the world
But but but!
internships are illegal.... no-one should be doing a full time job for NO pay! Nobody!
oh and it does also perpetuate a corrupt system, one that disadvantages so many!
It is wrong.. there is no other way to describe it.. and I am saddened that Greenpeace capitalises on such an illegal, unequal, elitist practice
saddened that they think it is ok
Sunday, February 03, 2013
new year new excitements!
already february and the weekend felt slightly springlike...
had two good walks
one near truro....daffodils and waterbirds
the other coastal with dolphins and seals!
splendid!
have a new webpage, a new fb page and am tweeting for wayfind
and it is rather exciting
what wil come of it i just dont know
but the ball has started rolling
already february and the weekend felt slightly springlike...
had two good walks
one near truro....daffodils and waterbirds
the other coastal with dolphins and seals!
splendid!
have a new webpage, a new fb page and am tweeting for wayfind
and it is rather exciting
what wil come of it i just dont know
but the ball has started rolling
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
swimming....
went for a swim monday on the 1st of october.. and it wasn't too cold! the sun was shining and so it seemed imperative to get in the water.. might be the last of the year xx
Saturday, September 29, 2012
pondering magic
hmmmmm pondering my recent meeting with the guitarist and comparing it to the internet date i had this week which was unexciting to say the least.. Mr Guitarist man and i talked all night... non-stop... so much to say.. so much to find out... so much to admire... but.. and oh yes there is always a but.. he is married... and actually seemed a good man.. we just talked... and yet i will treasure the meeting... as i realise that such meetings are rare. and should be treasured...
perhaps the advantage of this meeting is.. it cannot be spoiled... the magic will not die.. we will not meet again.. we will not argue.. we will not split up...
it will always be a little touch of magic.... and that is very very special
perhaps the advantage of this meeting is.. it cannot be spoiled... the magic will not die.. we will not meet again.. we will not argue.. we will not split up...
it will always be a little touch of magic.... and that is very very special
another catch up
hmmmm and now the whole blogspot thing has changed?? hoping I will be able to resume posting
hmmmm quiet times... sort of....
it is now autumn.. summer disappeared in a puddle of disappointment.. one good week when N and children visited...that was lovely
the cambridge folk festival.. disaster! never going back there.. such a fuddy duddy festival... and there were too many tears... found it difficult to accept A's death.... terrible indeed
returned and had to move NS out of my house.. he so overstayed any original welcome and so didn't understand my need for at least a little space.. another disaster! and it got so stressy!!
and so now M has moved in and there is a certain companionableness (?) that is comfortable and she is away most weekends so i have plenty of time and space...
and work.. another disaster.... hmmmmm think that is the word that sums up this year!.. so far...
today I am heading into Lostwithiel to find a Green Party meeting.. it will be my first.. so it could be interesting to get involved with local politics! and actually the one majorly good thing that has happened this year has involved greenpeace and lots of lovely actions and festivals! that has been my mainstay against complete disarray!
and i have decided that i need a back up plan... i am giving cornwall another year.. and if i haven't found the right work place/hours/creative space... then I am heading back to cambridge and taking a part time degree in archaeology ...
had an hilarious moment in St Ives... somehow found myself at a post gig party and was thoroughly enjoying the company of the guitarist... all very staid and innocent nevertheless.. but snuck out of the hotel at 8 in the morning with the biggest grin ever... ha! made me laugh so much.. and kept me in a nice little bubble for a week or so! need more of those bubbles!
right that's it.. up to date.... no job no man but a nice comfortable house in a seaside/university town... not so bad after all and
more especially hoorah!!! Delilah is almost 10 years old!!!!! might have to re-read some of it...
hmmmm quiet times... sort of....
it is now autumn.. summer disappeared in a puddle of disappointment.. one good week when N and children visited...that was lovely
the cambridge folk festival.. disaster! never going back there.. such a fuddy duddy festival... and there were too many tears... found it difficult to accept A's death.... terrible indeed
returned and had to move NS out of my house.. he so overstayed any original welcome and so didn't understand my need for at least a little space.. another disaster! and it got so stressy!!
and so now M has moved in and there is a certain companionableness (?) that is comfortable and she is away most weekends so i have plenty of time and space...
and work.. another disaster.... hmmmmm think that is the word that sums up this year!.. so far...
today I am heading into Lostwithiel to find a Green Party meeting.. it will be my first.. so it could be interesting to get involved with local politics! and actually the one majorly good thing that has happened this year has involved greenpeace and lots of lovely actions and festivals! that has been my mainstay against complete disarray!
and i have decided that i need a back up plan... i am giving cornwall another year.. and if i haven't found the right work place/hours/creative space... then I am heading back to cambridge and taking a part time degree in archaeology ...
had an hilarious moment in St Ives... somehow found myself at a post gig party and was thoroughly enjoying the company of the guitarist... all very staid and innocent nevertheless.. but snuck out of the hotel at 8 in the morning with the biggest grin ever... ha! made me laugh so much.. and kept me in a nice little bubble for a week or so! need more of those bubbles!
right that's it.. up to date.... no job no man but a nice comfortable house in a seaside/university town... not so bad after all and
more especially hoorah!!! Delilah is almost 10 years old!!!!! might have to re-read some of it...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
oh oh oh there are times recently when i feel I have run out of words...
I no longer read anything...
I listen more.. to radio...
but I do not read...
and this worries me.
is it a more general lack of concentration due to internet use over the year, to googling and youtube? or is it a more personal thing?
I am painting more and spending perhaps a little too long tweeting and facebooking...
perhaps my inability to write coherent sentences is a reflection of my incoherent mind wandering and skipping along...
this week has been difficult...
i will write more...
i need to write more...
to restart that incessant chatter that I used to expunge onto these pages...
i will start with last week...
I no longer read anything...
I listen more.. to radio...
but I do not read...
and this worries me.
is it a more general lack of concentration due to internet use over the year, to googling and youtube? or is it a more personal thing?
I am painting more and spending perhaps a little too long tweeting and facebooking...
perhaps my inability to write coherent sentences is a reflection of my incoherent mind wandering and skipping along...
this week has been difficult...
i will write more...
i need to write more...
to restart that incessant chatter that I used to expunge onto these pages...
i will start with last week...
Friday, January 13, 2012
it's a new year! a new day! a new ... job
have been in taunton for a couple of days engaged in a big search for a job... and i got offered an 11 month contract... and i am struggling to be happy with it and not to feel sorry for myself... i applied for a permanent position and have built up lots of issues about not getting offered a permanent job..... and once again.... pah!
otherwise it would be good news.. 11 months is better than 1 month.. but i am actually very sad to be leaving the rights of way office... very very sad
have been in taunton for a couple of days engaged in a big search for a job... and i got offered an 11 month contract... and i am struggling to be happy with it and not to feel sorry for myself... i applied for a permanent position and have built up lots of issues about not getting offered a permanent job..... and once again.... pah!
otherwise it would be good news.. 11 months is better than 1 month.. but i am actually very sad to be leaving the rights of way office... very very sad
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