moved in

and it is a lovely place

rather unfinished though

another time of waiting

have now moved out of the beach house a place i lived for two years... and am heading for living in a sheltered urban eco-home in Truro but it's not ready yet and so I feel everyday now is a day of waiting...

living in limbo when I want stability and security makes life interesting

but I have been fortunate in that I have been able to store my furniture/belongings in a friend's garage in Redruth and other friends have spare rooms that I can stay in whilst I wait.

and i love living in Penryn.. which is a little unsettling as maybe I should have simply just looked for a place there rather than be swayed by the urban cool of the eco-home....

and so I wait and wonder...

at work and suddenly remembered I saw a deer on my way home yesterday. This is such a rare occurence that I feel it needs remarking on. A small female roe deer in the early evening just simply crossing the road within the valley that leads down into Porthtowan. A swift glance but one that fills the heart with delight! and just as I am about to leave the village to return to slightly more urban living! oddly my only other rare sighting was dolphins on my arrival and now a deer as I leave!

still struggling to sort stuff out, elder j is still living with me, not contributing and being sadly depressed and unmotivated.... so sort of feel my life is not really being lived as I am putting him first in so many ways... but maybe just maybe this is what i should be doing, and that maybe the simple single selfish life will elude me .... we are, after all, supposedly social creatures so why do I want to be alone so much????

and so it is now May.. the election is tomorrow and I'm scared the world will be a blacker (or should I say bluer??) place afterwards... I am voting libdem... but that's mainly to keep the tories out.... crossing fingers that enough people will do likewise.... a conservative majority would be a disaster

its warm and sunny, the beach looks inviting. Went to gylly beach in Falmouth yesterday and sat drawing people and reading about the Lost Gardens of Heligan a very lovely way to spend my time.. but not particularly productive I suppose

applied for a number of odd jobs yesterday, have an interview with an agency for some temping work so I guess I'll be doing something soon. Jon has mentioned doing some butterfly work in June and Lucy has put my name forward to do some scribing... ideally if i could add to those, other non 9 to 5 stuff life could be quite sweet... sell artwork?? do some markets?? get maybe something part -time.. find a much cheaper place to live... there's options out there that don't involve crap work in crap places... I really should give it a go....

and its warmer and sunnier now... heading out to Ms Peapods for lunch

am tired of describing the difficulties of getting anywhere with the phd.... need to move on in some way/somehow...

maybe can push it to keep going until i find a job... and in the meantime try to play ball

and climb, kayak, swim and play.... whilst i am here

well..... more scenario 2 in the outcome although scenario 1 was the one that was acted out.. but my supervisor 1 cannot act alone.. and had to consult with supervisor 2 who basically takes the role of supervisor 1 and has apparently tossed me to one side and cannot see any merits in anything i offer.... and i cannot receive an email from her without going into a 2 day rage... and so Sup 1 consulted sup 2 and sent a thoroughly negative email.... saying no! offering me few choices other than to get out... she insists that an historical geography approach is the only possible one and that's it... will consider nothing else.... and now i feel I can do nothing other than refuse and leave...

a sample from the email

"For all these reasons – commitment to the funding partners, the time left available and intellectual viability – your new proposal is unfortunately not viable. While we accept that it is useful for you to take stock at this time, this must be in the context of the research that was presented at your upgrade. To do otherwise will take the whole project back to the beginning and to certain non-completion. I know that you will find this disappointing news, particularly having geared yourself up towards a new start. However, I hope you will understand that we have a clear obligation to the funders - the AHRC and Porthcurno - to ensure that there is a completed and relevant PhD at the end of their 3 year’s investment.

Please take time to consider the above and how you wish to proceed."

so i will leave and the phd will not be completed....

Right

I have a meeting with my supervisor today... it could go either way...

scenario 1 -i show him new ideas for phd.. he smiles says fine, love it, get on with the work right away...

scenario 2 - i show him new ideas for phd... he sniffs, looks away, says 'what the hell!!!......'

obviously hoping for the former

ideas consist of writing the phd about an image, a sound and an object... all 3 found in museum.... using them as a means to explore the history and culture of the telegraph cable .. that's it.. quite simple really

the image is one of men grappling a cable on a beach
the sound is of a cable under the sea
the object is the cable itself

will have to see how it goes

having to get into action as everything around me is changing again

need to find a job

interrupt the phd (officially)

find various ways of making money... ebay to divest myself of clutter, selling artwork, write, consult??? will have to see.... as i didn't imagine i would need to be doing this for now....

accept that maybe I wont ever be a Dr and come to terms with that

decide where to live

find the money to fly to florida

learn to sail

and ... for now the sun is shining so i am sitting in the garden reading Wolf Hall

woo hoo.. i thought this had been consigned to the internet ether!!! but its back.. delilah is still here!! woo hoo! it means i have not lost details of the last 8 years... my memory is so indistinct nowadays that I cant remember anything

sooooo

an update

am dithering again;

whether to continue phd .....although the topic and the supervisor are driving me bonkers

to write... have got a novel underway and the ideas and research that it is throwing up are exciting me

to travel.... have the chance to sail from Florida to Guatemala with an good friend.. though not sure how much either of us actually know about sailing... i am relying on you Cx!!

to move.... to the south coast of cornwall which has a much calmer climate and lots of excellent swimming places

to find a man/partner.... or continue a close friendship with someone who wants to be single (which in effect means he doesn't want me... but it is now becoming quite comfortable and he is good company)

to sell artwork.... have been inspired by the landscape around here and maybe just maybe could sell some stuff

soooooo its all happening as usual

am sitting gazing across thebeach and pondering the alternatives but one thing that is really really good is that delilah is back as a place to ponder

and now it is september... and I have spent the last few weeks hobbling around with a broken ankle.... did it mid july just as summer was really getting underway... and I am struggling with everything.... at first I was in denial and tried walking on it which only made it worse so since mid aug I have been wearing a cast and using crutches... and am now at the point of crying and feeling very sorry for myself... the weather has been crap too so I haven't been lounging around in the sun doing some reading but sitting inside with a caged cat and now j is back too so the beach hut is messy, full and proving to be wayyyyyyy tooooooo small for three imprisoned creatures... j is imprisoned by his lack of money.... I by the inability to drive and the cat hates the rain.... going mad

and have gone for an extension for my upgrade.... could not work in these conditions and am wondering how to get started....???

Just sent an email this morning and haven't had a reply.... have wanted one but nothing has turned up in my inbox... maybe I have blown it again.... hmmmmm

and now J has got a job and has moved out! well part-time at least... so he's now working in a beautiful National Trust House just outside Newquay... bought him a bike... a very sweet looking 1980's early mountain bike, steel frame but lightweight... hmmm I was quite jealous of it.. and the man that ran the bike shop was ummmmm very interesting!!! ha ha hah like buses.... all quiet for ages then 3 come along at once... but was only window shopping which is allowed surely... feel quite happy with the way things have turned out with jon... well so far anyway... feel it will slowly become public... which is quite funny.... and he thinks I'm 49.. and so far I haven't put that right... 33 -49 is possibly far preferable to 33 -51!! that's a lot of years difference... think my neighbours are confused... between josh and jon... they are not quite sure just who is who and ummmmmmmmmm well.... hey!

also wondering if this will jinx everything.... be really pissed off if next week I am writing about being single ..... crossing fingers, looking for 4 leaved clovers, rabbits feet... the works!!!!!

ahhhhh the joys of spring!!

will be spending my first night this year in my tent tonight... really excited by it... have been running, bodyboarding, cycling and surfing in the last couple of weeks ... feeling sooo much fitter! Living in Cornwall is like living in a giant playground! it's truely wonderful

and and and the love life is running full steam ahead... we have talked, argued, been just friends and then had a clean break... for a day... and since then it has been so much easier.. neither wanted a clean break.. so we are simply seeing what happens... did i say 'we'???? hahahahahaha aha haha hah a manic laughter... it's been awhile since I have said 'we'

somethings just keep repeating... again I find myself, after enjoying a short time of living alone, living with my eldest... circumstances are not ideal and I am hoping it is for a short period until he finds work.... now I just have to stop myself from returning to the naggy woman of his teenage years and remind myself he is no longer that messy teenager ..... that things are different.....

and the phd... made a delightful little connection yesterday .... and feel good about it... archival work can be exciting!!!!!!!!!

and the love life ... pah! harrrumph!

went down to the beach in Porthcurno yesterday though and had words with mother earth... said a few mahalo's and made an offering or two... out loud .... and felt good about it... the old hippy in me is really coming out! and I dont care!! magical mystery tour 2009 has started.... there are many many serendipidous things happen if one opens oneself up to them... so I am going out tonight and well who knows what could happen, who I could meet and where I could end up... heading into Penryn which is alittle town on the river Fal, it has a harbour that has an excellent fishmongers and we are going to have a meal in a place called something like Aqualibra.. then head to a pub called No 20!
Surfers against sewage are doing a beach clean in Porthtowan on sunday so Josh and I will help out there, getting free coffees from the blue bar as a reward... might go climbing tomorrow somewhere near Lands End... and end the weekend off with the pub quiz on sunday night.... all rather splendid really!

there was snow, quite a lot of it in fact. All over the country and it stayed put for a while so made everything white and pure, pristine.... then there were floods... had one night of fighting torrents of water pouring from the cliff into my backdoor... drains were blocked and guttering collapsed so had to fix guttering and unblock drains and then sweep water from one blocked drain towards one higher up the side path.... it worked though ... the following week the backdoor was replaced and so now I have one without draughts! but that was then, seemingly already distant past... now we are nearing the end of feb anad flowers are blooming, temperatures are rising and there is the possibility of spring just around the corner...

the man got funding here in this dept and so is staying... so we are planning climbing trips, kayaking, camping adventures .... but oh well will just have to see what happens... I am hopeful though that eventually maybe we can try again and this time his head might be in a better place.... who knows... it might work...

phd trugging along... handed in a paper yesterday that was a little thin on theory so today I am reading about agency and objects.... great stuff!

ha! god how subliminal!! just noticed at the bottom of the doodle is a heart, dripping and broken!!! completely unintentional!! bloody pathetic will have to fill in that bit... if you click on image you can see it in original size I do believe xx

off today to try out jamie oliver's 15!! they are doing lunchtime specials on offer

I am presuming there is no snow here in cornwall as there's none on the beach... will have to see what happens when I head over the cliffs!! all comments of friends on facebook are refering to snow... so imagine the whole country is covered but cornwall

you might have guessed from thursdays post that I got dumped and yes you would be right... bit of a bugger really as I was really enjoying it all and thought he was too... although was mightily aware that the timing was a bit difficult for him... he is a post doc and his contract runs out in feb... so he has been applying all over the world for suitable funding... on butterfly research!! plus and this is what made it all a bit dodgy was he was quite recently dumped from an 8 year relationship... that's longer than I was married .. he didn't really talk about it too much so I suppose from that I made all the wrong assumptions... and a week before he dumped me he and she had been communicating quite a bit again.... he says he's just not in a place to start a relationship right now... trouble is what actually happened was he started a relationship anyway and now... has ended it... just as i was starting to think hey this is really really interesting! pah! so have tried to keep myself busy this weekend to stop myself from feeling sorry for myself....so drew this today... its the view from my window ... sort of

Alone is default

Wave perfect moment
became fleeting ephemera
once embedded once embodied
feelings denied
Desires that to the other mean nothing
suddenly emerge
to whiz and flit and fly
unaided unabashed
Yet having finally to settle
in the dust of fugged relationships
the mire of the once loved
and the ashes of the blown away

Alone is default
Always alone

god it's been ages!!!

but I feel the need to write... so much going on I don't think I can keep it all in my head at the same time...

and so ... I am no longer in Exeter working on a masters... I have moved on, or time has moved on and I am now in Cornwall (the place of dreams) and working on a Phd wooo hooo indeed....

it gets better...

I have found a little place to live that is all wooden floors, pale limed pine, lapiz blue paintwork and white walls... and out of the windows is ..... a beach complete with waves, sand, marham grass, and a plethora of surfers... particularly in the summer as the lifeguards station is right outside... I even have a cat and a lover... life is good so good that maybe I just haven't had the need to write.. that contentment has overflowed and I have no words left for blogs, private or otherwise....

my phd is interesting,
in a way,
not something I am absolutely passionate about though

and I think this is the nub, the crux of why I am returning to delilah.. I do have a little nugget of angst.... I can make it interesting, I can view it as a job to do, research for someone else... but it is not my own research!!! that is the key..

I am feeling less and less personal involvement... the reason I am back here is because I have just read a blog from someone who is due to do a seminar here in a couple of weeks...ecology without nature and I want to be spending my time researching something like ecology/nature/phenomenolgy/soundscapes/liminal places and that is so where I want to be yet I find myself reading historical documents about whether the Post Office should take over the running of the telegraph industry.. doh! do I care????

I am taking one of the new collaborative doctoral awards that have been set up and funded by the AHRC and the Porthcurno Museum... and University of Exeter... the research proposal was already confirmed and finalised by the time I came along to make my application and I have had to fit in with too many other people's agendas.... and none of them match my own... I had my doubts about this phd when I applied as historical geography was not a favoured arena... it had seemed quite plodding and quite frankly dull! I decided to play the interview my way and just describe how I saw the thing and how my theoretical background was more cultural and material and so I prattled on mentioning merleau ponty's reflexivity, spinozan ethics, chucked in a reference to deleuzian lines of drift... waved my hands around a lot and thoroughly enjoyed myself... I had the idea that if they offered me the place it would be because of my approach and implicit within this is the approval of my approach...

so what has happened since starting?? I have had all sides banging on about the visual, the corporate identity... all words that were in the original title and that a number of colleagues in exeter assured my was only a working title and that I could wrangle it around to something applicable to me.. that, in fact, all I had to do was get the phd funding and then I would be away.. doing my own thing..... this has not worked out so simply

I travel to the museum, last term I went once a week, I read stuff, look at images, feel flippant and peripheral.... this term I am planning to try out staying for longer and 'fully immersing' myself in the archive.... what I realise now is that I dont care enough... it just doesn't mean that much to me.. that I cant be bothered to explain to museum people just what I want to do , because they wont 'get' it and will begrudge my funding... and what I really want to do is explore soundscapes at modern music festivals, to work out just what is going on when the whole crowd at glasto sing along to leonard cohen's halelujah, or what is happen to people at the front in a moshpit when they experience the full physicality of the music's power from the vibrations of the bass coming up through the feet to the fish-like school of moshers moving as one.... or to explore the search for a non-dualistic approach to life, how dualistic hierarchies seem unsurmountable....

unfortunately it's not really anything to do with telegraph cables or historical geography...

oh yes.... and a Happy New Year!!x