hmmmmm getting a little confusing with my posts i think

still talking to TT so that's good.... who knows what will happen there but as it is, it is very pleasant for the moment....

but work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just don't know what to do other than god forbid actually go and sign on !!! shudder at the thought of it... but i have no more money coming in

so if anyone out there knows of any projects that need expert help or maybe a garden that needs care???? ummm a child that needs looking after... or climbing lessons???? just let me know................

odd very odd... just when i think something interesting is starting... it finishes... trying to avoid the almost overwhelming disappointment.... by not thinking about it....

still no work either.... was it something i said? should I be taking this personally I wonder, it must have been something i did????

and so I am trying to be creative, to produce artwork that I have no interest in as someone expressed interest in buying a piece..... feel a little stuck at the moment.... very very stuck in actual fact

what to do next?

So it's all over! The week has been interesting! Life could get very interesting indeed! Went to meet TT again and it was rather lovely!.... now tho' back at home, and trying to find work, it all seems a bit unreal... parties in Camden, good conversation, healthy organic food, sleeping late...

There was one lovely moment amongst the many that made me laugh... the party was full of media types and some very interesting people... one of them was Rob newman who looked across at me and nodded a very friendly hello. I was sure he recognised me and was puzzling out where we might have met... didn't want to say it was recently when I got him to sign his book after one of his gigs!!! But anyway the party oddly reminded me a bit of being in Maui... there was an agelessness about it all and some very dynamic people, lots of political and environmental debate and lots of creatively musical people, not the sort of gathering you get in Cambridge at all!!!

Christmas has been survivied! In fact it all went quite pleasantly! Got the turkey in by 9.00am suitably basted and adorned with spices and peppers... haven't done this turkey cooking thing too often and do remember one year actually cooking the giblets, in their plastic bag, so had a good look in the vast cavity to ensure that there was no sign of plastic. All that was in there was what was possibly the neck??? So removed that, washed the beast poured a suitable mix of salt pepper garlic and lemon over the skin and carefully placed it in the hot oven... every half an hour or so I removed it to baste further and on one of those times noticed something in the neck area...yes I'm afraid to say it was the bag of giblets!!!!!!!!!! Hastily removed them and just hoped the flavour of plastic had not had long enough to infuse the whole bird! Bad enough doing this once but ............ a second time! At least I discovered my mistake before my family arrived and sat around the beast waiting for their slices....
won a minor battle with my father over smoking and he joined the others on the balcony for his cigarettes, whilst muttering under his breath how I should be more adaptable and how it would be the death of him... hmmmm haven't heard from them since.... hope he is ok... don't want to live with anymore guilt than I already have
So we ate, my father fell asleep, we drank, we talked, they left, we heaved a massive sigh of relief..... all done for another year

and now it's my birthday!! and I'm heading into London to meet TT! Think he's cooking me dinner?? but this is early early days, though we have spoken everyday since we met and it all seems rather lovely so far.............

I have just updated my blogger stuff and now will see just what the differences are, if any????

Don't forget tomorrow night!!!

just came across the most wonderfully titled 'Society to Assist Ladies in Reduced Circumstances' Wow isn't it amazing that such a society could exist in this day and age... how wonderful! What a lovely little safety net! must remember it when times get tough! Though I do wonder what defines a 'lady' is it how you make the tea, or whether you can sit cross-legged for hours without your foot falling off.... maybe I'll have to start practising!!

oh what a difference a weekend makes!!

Money is always an issue, particularly at this time of year. I always have this idea that I'm going to concentrate on non-material stuff but you just cant get away from buying presents for people you care about, and how lovely it is to do just that. It is nice to have a tree-full of decorations with packages wrapped in gorgeous paper, ribbons and bows, nestling in sparkly glory underneath. And the food.... nibbly stuff, big filling meals, on tables adorned with christmassy candles and holly sprigs.. oh yes underneath the atheist vegetarian exterior there lurks in me a yuletide monster... just waiting ....

but not this year... I am penniless ... my penury goes beyond pennilessness this year... and then I received an email this morning about bank charges. It has given me a little ray of hope on this vast gloom that is the December fug....I will write a letter to my bank forthwith stating how much they have illegally removed from my bank account over the last six years.... will let you know what happens....

sometimes I wonder about certain events... did they really happen???

yesterday was the work Christmas lunch/away day event.... a simple idea.. take the team off get someone in, have lunch, do more stuff together as a team in the afternoon and then head home...Christmas parties often turn in to rowdy drunken affairs ... that would have been so vastly preferable.... it was a spectacle tho'

I nearly didn't go, as I didn't get the job here I am leaving in a couple of weeks and I wasn't sure I could face it... read the agenda and all it had was a name of the trainer, so I googled her.... the day was to be an exploration of one's inner clown!!! Thought it might be too difficult as I am still upset and I didn't really want to put myself in a position where I would feel vulnerable. But woke up Wednesday morning with a changed heart, did up my Secret Santa pressie and headed off. The bus ride was uneventful and we arrived at a little hotel in woodland.

It started off with a very small woman with a very big laugh talking about sacred clowning. This was not to be a day of learning juggling and uni-cycling but it started off fairly innocuously with standing in a circle and each in turn walking to the centre of the circle and saying their name with an appropriate action. Even at this point some people were having problems. Some just really don't like being the centre of attention in such a focused way... anyway the morning progressed with some trust games, Grandmother's footsteps, a bit of skipping around expressing emotions sort of stuff, then we had lunch, then we did a bit more group stuff but it got very intimate... we had to 'connect' with each other by lying on the ground with your head on someone's stomach and someone else's head on yours! We all got a bit giggly at this stage.... but the strangeness really started happening with the introduction of the red noses... we were told these were a mask to our inner selves, nothing remotely to do with comic relief but an ancient form of healing, we had to 'explore' our noses, come to know them before we put them on, to feel the nose and become one with the nose... it was difficult to suppress the inner giggles when you looked around the room and saw your boss, a highly regarded colleague, wearing his nose with pride, but then he started exploring his nose further than I felt comfortable with, he placed one inside his mouth and dribbled rather a lot, looked more gormless than I would have guessed possible and listed, with glazed eyes. Others at this time were starting to explore the treasure chest of a fancy dress box! Further colleagues donned blond wigs, glitter bra's and pink hats, and this was just the blokes... It was all very free form by now there was no structure, no agenda... and it was here that some reverted to the kindergarten.... the Office manager had a wrestling match with the editor of the newsletter and they were both seriously in earnest! Deadly earnest! The boss took his exploration further and dressed in loo paper, an uninflated toy duck on his head, and a posy of silk flowers, he was now partnered by the deputy head and they became a team of performance actors in some strange frozen pastiche of a couple...... there was a further group who sat at the back of the hall and became quite aggressive about the day... I was mixed... but I have never experienced anything quite so surreal as the afternoon progressed. It grew dark, people were tired, and it was very very weird....

What Is Your Daemon?

CAT - your daemon may be a cat if you are independent and comfort loving. You follow your heart and do what you want to do - no matter what others think. You have a strong sense of your own worth, and an inner dignity. You may be loving and generous in one moment, and then lash out at someone in the next. You have as many moods as there are colours in a rainbow, and you wear them all brilliantly. You always know what you want right now - although in five minutes you may change your mind and set your sights elsewhere. You like to do things with style and flair. When someone else orders you to do something, do you feel an unholy urge to do exactly the opposite? That just might be your inner daemon talking.
Take this quiz!








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It isn't really getting any better... so I have started looking at useless stuff whilst at work... here's one purloined from Rose

Your Birthdate: December 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

and all so scarily true!... fear of failure has been at the forefront this week as I didn't get the job I'm working in, which is really really crap and now have a leaving date of the 22nd so wont get paid for Xmas or my birthday as I cant work that week!! Crap Crap Crap indeed..... struggling a bit with is all!!!! What is the point?

the day got worse... almost didn't go to London as I was feeling rather negative but thought it would cheer me up a bit, and it did. Had a very pleasant drink in the Barleymow on Curtain Road and an excellent meal in Brick Lane, maybe I was a little too relaxed as I ambled to Liverpool St as I missed the last train but undaunted I jumped on the tube to get to King's Cross thinking I had loads of time... of course that was without the inordinate wait in a tunnel somewhere under Old Street... got to King's Cross only to see an empty platform! really couldn't face a 4 and a half hour wait at King's x so caught the train to Peterborough and dozed the journey arriving there sometime after two thirty... slept on Jake's sofa and returned to Cambridge feeling very tired... went to get the bike and all that was left was my lock, unlocked. My beautiful little Giant was gone........ feel very very .....bereft....

Everything seemed to go wrong this morning! woke ridiculously early as Josh's alarm starts sounding at 5.30... it wakes me not him, it continues until I get up to remind him it is morning ... I usually offer to give him a lift to work, he has to be there at 7.30 so at 7.15 he emerges complaining that he is tired, and yet he has been sleeping for the previous two hours!!!!!!!!!! (you can tell cant you that I am getting a little fed up with this particular morning routine)

this morning all went as usual and I returned home, got out of my car and walked towards my flat only to realise at that point that I had no keys. Last night the ex was round, he is collecting a sofa I have purchased from ebay this morning and so I gave him my keys so he could simply drop the sofa in in the daytime.... so there I was semi-pyjama'd hair tied in last nights scrunchy, unable to get in... so had to drive back into town, park the car and walk across the backs, into Queens College, walking all around in search of Josh, luckily I found him before he climbed on to the roof, where he has been working recently!!!!

Got to work late only to receive an email from sofa people that there would be no-one in as their son had to go to hospital... so had to phone Jake and his dad to say sofa collection was off, god knows when this sofa will actually arrive!!! ... all before 9.00 this morning! Now at work and totally unable to concentrate... and that has nothing to do with meeting an old flame this evening in my old haunt The Foundry.....

had another ridiculous guardian soulmates date on Saturday.... oh and yes by now I should have learned... I should know better!!!

the chappie involved lives in Exeter and despite his absolute adoration of jazz (I utterly hate it) for some reason I thought I might be able to put such massive differences aside .... and so I thought Avebury would be a good half way point to meet... haven't been there in a while and I do love the place so I reasoned that I could cope with an afternoon there even if the date was none too exciting!! Am I cracking up or what, I totally went into this totally not expecting to like the bloke... and guess what........ the date was not noted for the flying sparks!!! It was quiet and sort of muted... I chatted away inanely of course, I can do the verbal diarrhea thing with ease but it was sort of non-consequential stuff... I felt uninvolved... the stones were beautiful the sky a gorgeous blue the sun was beating down, the site is magical... perfect setting heh!!!

and I drove for 5 and a half hours! for a pleasant cup of coffee????????? no hope really.... the 2and a half hour drive back tho' was splendid as I dove passed nearly every town's firework display... catching glimpses of exploding colour all the way home

rushed out of work yesterday to catch a bus to London, it seemed a better (cheaper) thing to do than catch th etrain but as soon as I got on the bus I became aware of a distinctly unpleasant odour emitting from the loo at the back of the bus.... 2 hours of breathing in the foul fetid air... and the bus was running late... not a good start to the evening at all... but as soon as I had escaped the nauseousness of the bus into the fresh London air (?) it got vastly better... went to S's new place and we headded off to Brixton, which was simply a short bus ride away

running late we queued for the obligatory 2 pints, the band came on and we headed into the crowd .... it was full but we managed to get pretty near the front, on the Ladies side, and as the floor is so slopey even I got to see The Raconteurs!!! The set was loud and rocking, very reminiscent of something that was happening in the 70's but with an edge of today there too.... They were good, very very good! It was lovely to be back at a gig with S, particularly Brixton which is easily my favourite gig place

Sometimes I think I am making this up!!! Tell me if you agree...

Friday, after having a Thursday night which involved far too many beers for a woman of my age!, I arrived at work to find my main task of the morning was to go to the bus station, meet a bus arriving from Bedford and help a blind Imam get to the railway station and on his train to Norwich!!! So off I went having been advised I would have no problem recognising him! So the bus arrived, I was totally in the wrong place so ran round to the bay and had no doubt that the hatted suited chap with white stick was my man! The next two hours were full of conversation...he was very pleasant if a little odd company! He liked to be known as the rhyming Imam and certainly had his favourite rhymes... such as 'never fear the Imam is here', which he threw into the conversation more times than you would have thought possible! But despite this we had a conversation about Islamophobia and Jack Straw's recent pronouncements and remarkably we agreed rather a lot. He was totally in favour of Imam's learning and speaking English, he felt that at times even he had found it difficult to communicate with a heavily veiled woman and made the point that it was a cultural choice and not actually a religious requirement......

The afternoon found me in the Old Schools



having a glass or two of wine at someone's leaving do...

Saturday I got up reasonably early and cycled into town, to the museum of Arch and Anth to go to a drawing workshop...didn't really know what to expect but got there in a hurry to find about 20 people in a side room having coffee and biscuits... it was all very friendly... the guy who was leading the workshop explained what was happening... they had covered the floor in newspapers and we were free to draw all over them... we went up to the gallery initially to see what it all looked like, I so wish I'd taken my camera! The floor was liberally covered- all around the exhibits, which, seeing as it was the main room were cultural artifacts from all over the world.... I noticed the newspapers were also from all over the world... when we went in the room I was fascinated by the newspapers as the museum staff had even tried to match the exhibits with their respective newspapers! At one point I realised I was drawing over both El Mundo and the US Times... anyway we were given three felt tip pens and told to go for it! It was odd at first, I started drawing a little Maori boat and got quite carried away with the beautiful patterns... spent ages on it... it was sort of isolating, I had totally switched off from everyone else there.. but after finishing my bit I started wandering and saw other doodles, gorgeous patterns and larger creations and found the whole exercise really rather free... started having fun.... drawing a little Inuit kayak over an advert for a car and an African woman with child on her back over the careers pages of the SA Times... really enjoyed myself ... and so it seems did everyone else!

The afternoon found me in a snooker hall playing snooker with my ex and younger J... very odd... watched the England game there and sadly left disappointed as not a goal was scored! The evening went to the climbing wall which was really quiet and for the first time climbed a 25 ft wall without the aid of a rope and it didn't scare me!! Must be getting better!

So although no new dancing partner has presented himself, I have my exhibition to prepare for and would love to make my job a little more permanent.... it's all good stuff!

it's not often that any asks me if I am a Mathematics student but today it happened... new job took me to the Fresher's Fair here in Cambridge and I was amazed as I walked around as I was not the oldest person in the room and many of today's undergraduates were happy to ask me to join their societies. I was there actually to offer them money which was a pleasant little role to have!!!

Nice job, pity it's just for 4 weeks

Watched a new version of Jane Eyre on TV this week...


the good old BBC has really followed the boook really really well, some of the scenes are just right... the character playing Helen Burns was undoubtably perfect! Thought the actor that played Mr Rochester was very familiar and today realised that he was the same chappy that played the male lead in Tennant of Wildfell Hall which didn't follow the actual plot at all. Oddly the woman that played the female lead in that is also playing the evil aunt in Jane Eyre, makes me wonder ... that a guy is able to continue playing lead roles for lots longer than a woman can??? or maybe it's just me struggling with my age old ageism..... it's a bit shitty to be a massive ageist person getting old... cant happen to racists... they dont get black!!!.. more's the pity

another thing that spoils my enjoyment of Jane Eyre is Jane's massive overbite... she does at times have a distinctly Marge Simpson look about her....

Another day, another new job... at least it's sort of how life feels at the moment! Actually got headhunted, or should I say temp hunted last week. Had an email from someone I worked with in the press office last year. They are now working for a different but connected dept and she wondered if I wanted to help out for the next four weeks. There was no reason no to jump at the chance. I had become a little tired of working solely on one project and this job is all over the place. There's events to organise, meetings to go to and yesterday I even found myself trying to secure unpaid work experience for a few local ex-homeless ex drug addicts ! Much more interesting indeed

The other weekend I had a moment of pure jealousy and it was not pleasant at all! Bit of a shock really... S had sent a text on the saturday night that I didn't actually see until sunday lunchtime.... and it made me turn completely green... S was at the Scissor sister gig in Trafalgar sq and I sooooo wanted to be there... it's a few years since we first saw the sisters and they were always an enjoyable gig. Think my favourite was the dance tent at Glastonbury! That was amazing and as I had managed t osqueeze my way right to the front it felt a very personal little show!! In fact that's what they have always felt like, somehow the sisters have made it feel like an intimate little gathering and you were a special part of it regardless of how many people are actually in the audience... so I was jealous and there was nothing I could do but get over it...

Went surfing in Newquay last week...



well I say surfing but............. it just didn't quite happen. Arrived wednesday all excited, the waves looked enormous and fairly choppy but standing at the top of Fistral beach they never look too big until.... got up thursday morning donned the rash vest wetsuit outfit that I had not needed in Hawaii and selecting a different board to try out ( a mini mal Bic 6'10) did my excited trot wavewards... the water was cold but not breathtakingly so and it was so clear it was stunningly beautiful. I stood for a moment looking out feel calm and excited at the same time. There was a slight problem in that there was no discernible channel to use to swim out as the waves were breaking all over the place but I walked and jumped through the baby stuff, jumped on my board and started paddling. Then hit brick wall after brick wall, at one point I didn't know whether I was up or down, swimming or simply drowning. Wave after wave pounded me. I tried walking holding the tip of my board but got bashed to pieces, I tried a dive through the waves but got upended and swatted unmercifully. My arms very soon became like dead weights and utterly useless so I retreated to the waters edge and watched others, whilst actually gasping for air.... I wasn't the only one having the same problems but I've never been a particularly strong swimmer and I knew that my arms were actually knackered... so that was it for the first day......... I couldn't even get out to try the board or see if I could still do the standing up thing.

next morning the air was still. It was beautifully warm, there was clear blue sky and it had a balmy summer's day sort of feel.... trouble is that presaged something I didn't even want to consider a possibility... drove down to fistral and stood watching the water...yes it was water.. there were no waves at all, barely a discernible ripple! Had to stand with the surfer's chill and accept it was not to be... so decided that friday night had to be hitting the town night and had a marvellous bop in a place called the Walkabout... felt recognisably female and got chatted up and danced with and one little chap even asked for the slow dance thingy at the end of the night... I had felt I was in my element! No longer the invisible woman at all....

Saturday no waves

Sunday long clean breaks so got on the shorter board and promptly fell off it... turns out it was much too small for me and I didn't do much more that play in the white stuff... then I got a stomach bug, haven't felt so ill since... I cant remember ever feeling so ill... spent most of the night in the camp site loos as the tent seemed like miles away!! So finally monday I had the right size board, the waves were probably the best I've ever seen in the UK.. and I was rubbish... gave up, got my camera out and took loads of pictures of sand...



it's remarkable how similar sand shaped by water is to mountains shaped by rivers... so my surfing in Newquay turned in to a bit of a non surfing trip but hey it was good to get away and it was sunny... drove non-stop home just to see if I could do it.. took 6 hours... have felt completely knackered all week since my return....

it's saturday and I'm in Cambridge, the computer is connected and I have a new job...

so once again a new start a new beginning... I wonder if I should be getting tired of it but so far I'm finding it new and exciting

the oddest realisation is that by doing this I am really putting myself first as when working at Mepal I have been pretty tired in the evenings and although I have a climbing wall at hand I just haven't felt up to using it...now I'm sitting at a desk all day I have bundles of energy left over for me! So am cycling to work, climbing with Jake on a regular basis and now looking out a yoga class and will swim a couple of times a week too... I have actually put on weight this summer too, have quite a bit of a belly so am not eating cakes, biscuits or any chocolatey stuff for a least a month.... and next week I go surfing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

watched Riding giants last night and oddly it made me want to jetski again! There's a sequence at the end with Laird Hamilton



talking about how they surfed Peahi (Jaws) and just seeing them play on the surf reminded me of how I used to love zipping around on one of those things... will have to check out somewhere next weekend maybe