Friday again.. this week has passed blissfully quickly. It has mostly been taken up with looking for jobs, making some online applications... not much feedback so far but I'm still hoping.

Wednesday, Pete drove the fun car to Cambridge and I was quite surprised by the reactions received as we drove around town, they were the same as the Bermondsey reactions!! Something about the car makes people want to leap up to us at junctions asking details about it's engine, or to call out 'nice car' whilst we are driving along. It brings out really positive, happy comments from people. I have travelled around in cute old cars before like Phil's Austin 7 but that never attracted half the attention of the fun car!! Somehow I was surprised that it illicited the same response from Cambridgians as the rather more vocal south Londoners. Odd!

What was even odder was returning home to find Josh and Hayley playing Scrabble... seemed so civilised and 'couply' -very sweet!!!! Love ya loads Josh! (I know you are reading this so I have probably embarrased you even more. But I do think that that is one of my main functons now you are an adult...... still haven't brought out the really cute but very naked pictures of you as a chubby toddler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then there was Jake! Well he had been a quiet child but now seems to be ummmmmmmm well shall I blame Jackass????? He had another blackeye this morning, over and above the one that was slowly disappearing..... and how did hew get it? Well at least this time he didn't hit himself but it sounds stupidly similar, he was 'larking around'?? whatever that means??......... no hope!

So I am off to London again for the weekend......

mmmm having a problem with the phrase 'at your age'. what does this mean? What sort of behaviour is 'suitable' for someone my age? This weekend I have been clubbing. Pete and I went to 'the fridge' a club in Brixton. We got there about 2 am and danced until the end... it was bloody good...... clubs are different nowadays.......... there's lots of water to consume for one, a chillout area and whether it was just this night but there was loads of space to dance.This was quite difficult as i am used to doing my stuff within a confined space within a heaving mass of humanity. i found it really difficult to dance on the periphery, felt too alone. so had to head into the center where there was at least a semblance of a heaving mass.... even tho' people around sort of stopped every so often to drink/socialise/ have a cup of tea???. Realise why it's called the fridge tho', the air contitioning was incredibly efficient, at times it was actually quite chilly!......anyway it was good to dance. Left about 6am and then 5 minutes later the van ran out of petrol. This entailed us wandering around Brixton at 6 am looking for a petrol station. Actually realised this is a rather lovely time to be up, haven't been up at this time for ages. it's a sort of refreshing start to the day.....


Later found us having lunch within sight of Tower Bridge and that strange poddy-looking building that is at present being erected in central London. What is it? Anyway the food was excellent, and the wine went down incredibly well, so we staggered laughingly back, stopping in 'The Mayflower' for further alcohol - probably not wise but rationality becomes diminished after a lunchtime bottle of wine...... now back at Pete's in Rotherhithe......listening to 'Parklife' by Blur and realise it is nothing other than a classic! So it has been an utterly wonderful weekend!!!

Electronic dependency can be quite onerous!!!!!!!!! My 'home' email system is down and I find it utterly frustrating to not be able to read my daily emails...... not that there will be anything there of any great importance but at least there is the potential! A bit like getting the phone cut off in days of yore when it was the only form of immediate communication with the outside world..... as a single parent the telephone was my lifesource, vitally important on the many nights that there was no baby sitter arranged and as I was the single adult representative in my household it was imperative that I communicated beyond its confines or I would have gone mad. Well maybe it's not quite so bad today that I dont have email. I am, after all, at work, communicating with other adults on a daily basis and I have my mobile phone in my pocket so communication is also possible from elsewhere..... so what am I moaning about??????? Think it's merely a matter of the loss of potential, rather than the cutting of my lifeline-to-the-world scenario that having the phone cut off used to represent. hmmmmmmm will go back to work and stop moaning, things are sooooo much better than they used to be which is a cheery note to end on.

Further escapades of Josh and Jake: it gets worse!! hmmmmmmmm this motherhood thing has become hmmmmm shall we say ... tiresome! I have a small flat that I live in in the week whilst spending the weekends in London. My two sons, with now the addition of a girlfriend, are living there full-time. So I arrive back Monday night after work to find......... dishes neatly stacked, unwashed, above the dishwasher, a whole weekend's worth........ a bathroom floor that is no longer visible because of books, clothing, magazines and general debris....... all the windows wide open because, I guess, someone has been smoking....... a lounge that looks like it is the repository for an Indian restaurant's left-overs and then as I survey the carnage the phone rings..... it is blockbuster video kindly reminding me that there are videos due back amassing vast sums of arrears.But that is not all!

Last night they went to see a show with Steve-O from Jackass...... Jake now has a black eye and Josh was thoroughly beaten up, after being thrown out of the theatre! I haven't actually seen him yet, he was hiding this morning, tho' apparently he has a couple of cuts to the face and some bruising!! After going to the theatre!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fascinating article by George Monbiot in the Guardian today, he gives possibly the real reasons behind the US's determination to go to war in Iraq. It is a logical read, using a lecture by David Harvey in Oxford, and, of course, the reasons are nothing to do with a desire to help the Iraqi people, chemical weapon use or even really much to do with Saddam Hussein, just much more about maintaining American dominance and economic superiority. At last an article that makes sense of it all!!

Adding a godfather link as the boys have got a new web page and it looks pretty good..... worth checking out the sound too!

The weekend was good. ............ nice meal on friday night. Pete had got me a card and it wasn't the fluffy pink kitten sort so that was a relief......

Saturday met up with Hannah and went for a walk with, supposedly, 2 million others down past Westminster and along to Hyde Park. Amazing amount of noise that came in waves, like a Mexican wave of sound flowing through the crowds. Walking tho' was cold as it was at such a slow pace because of the vast numbers of people, and the people came in all shapes, sizes and ages. Oddly for a protest rally there was little strident screaming of radical slogans, more a gentle hummmm of dissent... it was such a mixed bag of sorts there. Some had made such an effort with beautiful banners or papier mache massive head models of Blair and Bush ... lots of banners simply saying no to war... others with quirkier phrases such as 'Make tea not war' which I rather liked. It was a good feeling being part of a collective gathered to say no........ whether it will make a jot of difference I don't know but I felt it had to be done. That I actually felt the need to show my disquiet with some action and to be able to walk past such an historic place made it quite an emotional event really. Pretty weird......

Feeling much more resigned to it all today. If I am to be a grandmother then fair enough.....It might make Josh grow up a bit,or it might not, we will just have to see..... Need to get back on track with thoughts of moving to London and what to do with my flat and how to find a job....... get focussed

Pete phoned.. it made me cry......... just what is wrong with me ??????


Plan to go on the protest on saturday... hope its a peaceful jaunt!

it is very difficult to see beyond the moment. right now I feel total despondancy and can see no further than that, that is my complete reality. Yet next week ...

hmmmmm back to reality with a horrible crash this week.. and reality is grey indeed. Had a screaming rant this morning and cried all the way to work, still feel close to the edge now...... how to remain cheerful and not wallow in a pit of despair... I guess I just have to try smiling and realise that loads of good stuff is still happening.....

Wasting work time by messing around with the colours here..... think it looks loads better.....

Another day....... but how things can change!! Josh is staying at the flat at the moment, arrived sometime in the weekend when I was in London. The job in Oxford fell through and as they gave up their flat in Cambridge he and Hayley now have nowhere to live hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm that's not the half of it!!! Hayley, at 17, is now pregnant and, it seems, wants to keep the baby, Josh wants her to have an abortion and I can really see his arguement. They have no work, no home both still very young and irresponsible... What to say?????? How to react?????

Got thoroughly lost on saturday night. in the fun car!! It's the sort of car that draws attention...... dead funny to stop at a junction and have pedestrians ask about the car and compliment it! but after driving round in ever increasing circles I just wanted to see something familiar.. eventually found my way back to Pete's flat, remember saying something once about how useful it is to get lost in a new place as then you finally start to get to know it! hmmmmmmmmmmmm well I must be really getting to know Rotherhithe !

Monday again.. back at work and hating it. I really don't care any more about this job, was late arriving this morning and have been told off this afternoon and I don't care. I am thoroughly fed up with shuffling papers around, with pointless emails and turgid scientificspeak... Saw a job ad for a paramedic in London.....now that would be different..... messy too but at least it wouldn't be boring!

Another week half over.. already in February....... its all going too quickly